Man Arrested Masturbating at Wal-Mart

Now we know why the Smiley Face is grinning! At the Grand Opening for a new Wal-Mart Supercenter in Granby, New York, John D. Gates was observed by multiple shoppers in the act of pleasuring himself.

State Police found him sitting in the passenger seat of his 1991 Ford Ranger, lubricating his stick shift. He had not yet completed his work, though reliable sources indicate that he did manage to finish the job before he was awarded a pair of shiny new bracelets.

The booking officer was later treated for severe disgust and revulsion, being that he was obligated to fingerprint Gates.

This story quickly became a local sensation, resulting in a number of amusing (if corny) comments from the public. Here's a sampling:

"What a jerk. It takes some nerve to pull such a thing."

"This story rubs me the wrong way."

"They should erect a statue of him."

"Who doesn't get excited over a new Wal-Mart?"

"POLICE RUB OUT CRIME!!!
CLEAN UP IN AISLE 7!!"

"I heard that new store is so busy that parking is at a premium, they're practically having to beat people off in the parking lot."

"Guess he'd already been to K-Mart (say it slow & you'll get it)"

"was he parked in the handicap?"

"Too bad he didn't go to Target... he would have had something to shoot at."

"I wonder if any other suspects had a hand in this."

"walmart grocery department's motto - you can't beat our meat."

"they may try to hand him a stiff sentence....but a good lawyer can get him off in court"

"I thought from the look of the place that it needed another coat of whitewash."

"It's a good thing none of the shoppers tried to take the law into their own hands."

"Box of Kleenex $2.25, Bottle of Lubriderm $5.25, getting caught white handed......priceless."

"did the cop or the onlookers get in any trouble for "disturbing the piece?""

"If I were him I'd just tell the judge he was just holding "it" for a friend."

"This guy sounds like a real "WHACK" job!"

"Welcome to Walmart. Please help yourself"

"If you build it, they will come."

"Wal-mart is always a satisfying experience."

"Rumor is he had his car stereo 'crankin'....
To the latest CD 'release'.....
From 'Stroke'......"

"Veni, vidi, vici...

He came, they saw, he was cuffed."

"Stop being so hard-on the guy."

"The police finally charged him with pubic indecency and assault with a friendly weapon."

"They must have seen him coming from a mile away."

"It was obvious that he did not own stock in microsoft."

"Say what you will, this guys has balls."

"Cop: That's enough Mr. Gates. Put you hands behind your head. You're coming with us."

"I wonder if it will be a hung jury"

"Obviously a hardened criminal."

"Different strokes for different folks"

"Just had to return to this one!"

Clearly, our fine fondling felon felt free phallic fun is good for everyone! (And he may have been right!)