Man Born with Freak Magnet, Most Powerful During Work Hours

There is something that most people don't know about me. When I was born, the doctor custom-installed me with the world's first FREAK MAGNET. This is a amazing device that has many great features:

A. Brings severely damaged individuals to me
B. Pulls their darkest issues out them within 5 minutes of meeting me
C. Is most powerful during work hours

I have worked with the general public over the last 15 years and the FREAK MAGNET has shown it's strength on a daily basis. I will not deny that it does work past 5pm - as evidenced by my past girlfriends - but it's strongest levels of power is shown during business transactions. I seem to use the phrase "Are you f---ing kidding me??" more during times when I am being paid for providing a service.

I currently work in a professional environment at a financial institution. Like my previous jobs, I deal with both business clients and personal accounts in different levels of involvement but one thing always remains the same. My customers have all been waiting to unload information usually not even reserved for ears of best friends, priests, or parole officers.

Today was no exception as the FREAK MAGNET was cranked to 11. The following is a transcript of an interaction with "Joe" for your amusement and my inner torment.

Me: "Hello, how may I help you?"

Joe: "I'm Joe, I called about opening the business account."

Me: "Oh yes." (Handshake) "Nice to meet you. Please take a seat and...."(phone ringing)

Joe: "Hold on...it's the boss calling, my bitch of a wife. I've been trying to divorce this lady for years..." (answers phone) "Hello honey....Yes...What? You think this bank is going broke? Got it. You know everything."

At this point Joe stands up and puts on a show for my other customers by wandering back and forth in a full lobby, basically screaming at his wife with venom dripping from his mouth for the next 2 minutes while I wait with anticipation for the next step in our interaction.

Joe: "Uh uh. Yes. I get it ....." (Hangs up during wife talking) "I don't get it. I hate that woman. She hates me. We went to a shrink for a year and confirmed that we hate each other -- but she won't leave me. I moved down here from New York to get away and bought a place on the beach and then she just showed up one day. That was five years ago"

Me: "I see."

Joe: "You look familiar. Did you used to live in New York? I think I may have arrested you before. Just kidding. I'm a retired cop."

Me: "No. I'm from the Chicago area."

Joe: "So what do I need to open this account?"

Me: "I first need to see your driver's licence, credit card, and your incorporation papers."

Joe then shows me a driver's licence that looks like it was left out in the sun, thrown in the washing machine and then ran over by a Suburban. It also expired during the Clinton administration. Joe stares at the driver's licence with the same alarmed expression used if you were to wake up one day, open the curtains, and see a brontosaurus strolling by.

Joe: "That bitch stole my sticker. You know, the sticker on the back you get for being a good driver so your licence is up to date? Unreal. She went into my wallet, peeled it off. She must have known. I gotta go."

Goodbye Joe. Your cousin will be here tomorrow. I have a seat reserved.