Man Sues Neighbor Over Theft of Action He Uses when Feeling Awkward

ATLANTA--Lawyers representing Fred Lanier, lifelong resident of Atlanta, Georgia, filed a lawsuit against Lanier's next-door neighbor of thirty-three years, claiming plagiarism over an action. In a statement released Tuesday afternoon, Fred Lanier claimed that long-time friend and neighbor, Arthur Cannon, "Plagiarized an action-for-awkward-times," explaining that, "An 'Awkward Time' is defined as any time and/or situation where you are uncomfortably aware that someone is possibly watching you for non-law enforcement-, conspiracy-, or stalker-type reasons."

Fred Lanier agreed to come to the microphones late Wednesday afternoon to explain his side of the story to reporters. "I love my friend Arthur. Really, I do. But he stole one of my best moves. I had worked on it for months, and I don't know if he saw me practicing it, or if he just picked up on it the first time I brought it into the public sphere. You know, it doesn't really matter. He stole it from me. Period. Now, if I were to ever try to use it, people would just think I'm being completely inauthentic."

Lanier was asked by reporters to explain the action and what situation might call for its use.

"You're walking through a parking lot, for instance, and you notice that there are several people just sitting in their cars. You have that feeling of awkwardness that occurs when you know that people might be watching you. I guess it's a type of stage fright. Well, everyone knows you can't just walk. I mean, you need to look like you have more to do with your time than just spend it walking to your car with a dumb look on your face. Only people who are unimportant or stupid do that. So, you fill up that time with an action to take your mind off the feeling of vulnerability and exposure, while simultaneously proving (by your movements or facial expressions) that you're either busy doing something or your mind is busy thinking something. Either one is sufficient proof that you're not just a mindless idiot. I'll show you the move that Arthur stole from me. I call it the "bird-watcher"."

Lanier then proceeded to demonstrate the "bird-watcher". "Okay, so I'm walking along like this, in a nonchalant manner. Walk - walk - walk -walk. Then I realize people are watching me. I pretend I don't notice that anyone is watching, and I keep walking. Then, all of a sudden, I "hear" a chirping sound. I look around for the source of the sound, and then I point to the nearest tree or building where a bird might choose to land. I nod my head, as if to say, 'I knew I heard a bird chirping somewhere." There you go; awkwardness averted."

Reporters watched as Lanier proceeded to demonstrate the "Notice-and-then-brush-the-lint-off-the-shoulder Move," the "Pick-up-a-piece-of-imaginary-trash Move," the "I-think-I'm-getting-a-call-on-my-cell-phone-but-it's-set-to-vibrate-so-that's-why-you-didn't-just-hear-it-ring Move," the "I-know-you-can't-see-this-fly-but-I-have-to-swat-at-it-because-it's-really-bothering-me Move", the "I-think-I'll-check-this-random-grocery-cart-in-case-it-has-any-loose-bolts-and-ends-up-killing-an-elderly-woman Move," and, finally, the "I-just-remembered-that-I-need-to-look-at-my-planning-calendar-and-man!-I-can't-believe-I-forgot-that Move."