Managing Anger: Using the Emotion Constructively

Anger is an often-misunderstood emotion that carries a lot of undeserved dark connotations. This is because people do not generally see healthy expressions of anger but rather the destructive results of anger that has been damned up for too long - until it finally explodes. Violence, for example, is often the result of accumulated energy that is denied an outlet until it comes out in a distorted form.

For this reason, it can be disastrous for any of us to try and hold our anger in or cover it up. Aggression in its natural state is a means of communication: it lets others know where we stand and, if need be, when they've infringed upon our boundaries in some way. We can usually express ourselves in the moment in a way (if we aren't overly dramatic about it) that the other person will understand. However, if we ignore any number of transgressions because we want to appear calm and levelheaded, we may suddenly find ourselves exploding (on another occasion) in a way that's completely out of proportion to what's happening. At this point we're reacting not only to the present incident but also the other instances when our anger was provoked but we kept it pent up. Suddenly, it's all coming out at once - and we may do or say things that we regret.

The best way to avoid this trap is to express our irritation - without undue emphasis - whenever it arises. However, modern society often denies us the opportunity to do this. We may not be able to freely express our emotions to superiors at work, to other authority figures, to co-workers, or even to family and friends. This is where frustration begins to build up inside, and we have to find some outlet for the energy before it wreaks havoc with our lives.

Working anger out through the body is an effective approach for many people. If we wring a towel with all our strength (while focusing on the causes of our anger) until we are exhausted, we'll most likely feel the emotion drain out of us afterwards, leaving behind a sense of peace. Some people pound away at punching bags, or stomp their rage into the floor while dancing to aggressive music. If all else fails, close yourself up in your car to insulate the sound (or put a pillow over your mouth) and scream.

Do these approaches sound a little extreme? Well, they allow for a release of pent-up frustration in a way that doesn't hurt anybody - which is more than can be said for fist fights and the physical and/or emotional abuse of one's significant other. Anger in itself is not a problem; it is a natural emotion just like joy, sorrow, or good humor. It is the repression of anger, over time, that becomes destructive. When you feel it swelling up in you, try and express it to the one(s) you're mad at. If this is not possible, get away for a while - as soon as you can - and vent.

If we're afraid of our anger, we give it power over our lives. Treating it as a natural emotion - something intended to protect our boundaries as well as our dignity - will diffuse much of its destructive aspect and allow it to come and go without building up to a volatile level.