Managing Your Feelings as a Family Caregiver? Part 4

I Feel...Focused on the Gifts in the Here and Now

A wise cancer survivor once said, "Cancer is a growth, not a growth experience." Yet even she went on to admit that it was a growth experience, too. Although your loved one is sick, you have been able to appreciate some unexpected gifts in the situation. Maybe you've gotten to know someone better who seemed to come out of nowhere to help. Or maybe you're more aware of how precious time is, or put less emphasis on petty things. Although no one chooses to be sick or to be a caregiver, meeting the challenges brings a new perspective. Whenever you can, recall these gifts and gleanings. You will be stronger for the journey if you do.

I Feel....Discouraged

The caregiver journey is full of ups and downs that are hard to weather. It's normal to get discouraged when you are dealing with your loved one's cancer. Ask yourself: Am I getting enough support? Try not to take on everything yourself. If people offer help, accept it. If not, ask. Is there a support group? Most welcome a caregiver even if the patient doesn't attend.

Can you give yourself permission to take a break? Could you use a pleasurable distraction? Finding time to do something fun might help your spirits-and your ability to support your loved one's spirits-during discouraging times.

I Feel...Emotional

Many people feel more emotional than usual when they are dealing with a loved one's illness. You may feel like you're on a rollercoaster-hopeful one minute, furious the next, and then ready to cry. The more difficult feelings to cope with are anger, guilt, sadness, and fear.

You may think you shouldn't have them, especially if you're hearing from others how important it is to stay positive. But the truth is that unpleasant feelings are part of the process of coping with a difficult situation. There's no way to take a shortcut through painful feelings and there's no way around. The only way is to go through.

Feelings can offer guidance if you let them. If something is really bothering you, respect that message and get some help from a friend, a group, or a counselor. Difficult emotions can't be willed away, but they can be coped with. What has helped you feel calm during stressful times in the past?

I Feel...Preoccupied with all the Losses

When someone close to you is faced with a life-threatening disease like cancer or Alzheimer's, it can be hard to move beyond the dread of the future. To avoid constantly thinking about what might be, take a moment to think about what is now. Think about the gifts your loved one brings into your life now. Perhaps your caregiving experience has deepened your relationship. Perhaps you admire your loved one's strength and perseverance. No matter how bad things can get, there will be moments of grace and good luck as well.

Do you have support? Are you holding back, trying to maintain a cheerful "front"? It will help you a great deal to have at least one confidante with whom you can be completely honest and frank.

I Feel...Realistic and Accepting

Although it is difficult to face the fact that a loved one is seriously ill, maybe even beyond recovery, you have managed to deal with this in a positive way. This is a healthy attitude and one that you should nurture.

Since you are realistic about your circumstances, you may also want to spend some time preparing for what is to come, whether that is looking into survivorship or hospice care. There are likely to be unpredictable events that will throw you for a while. Give yourself time and treat yourself gently as you adjust to new challenges.