Mandatory Medication for All Americans!

Finally, the government finished its first long-term study on preschoolers and Ritalin! It's about freaking time. Of course, the study was met with the usual criticism from parents and other activist-types, moaning things like, "Medicine bad, blah, blah, blah." I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the idea. Frankly, I don't see what the problem is. Obviously people just haven't thought about the benefits of a massively medicated society.

Benefit #1 - The Stressed out American

Everybody knows that American's are overworked and underpaid. Hell, we're the only industrialized country that doesn't require employers to give paid time off for vacations, sick leave, or maternity leave. Solution: 100mg of your favorite anti-depressant. Your serotonin levels will be so spiked up you'll be on cloud nine. Who needs a vacation when they're happy? Nobody!

Benefit #2 - You're Gonna Die Soon!

Read the newspaper lately? Well, if you have, you're well prepared for all the crap that's out to kill you. Terrorism, third world dictators setting off nuclear bombs, SARS, Bird Flu, the list goes on and on. Every day something new pops up around the corner just waiting to destroy you. Solution: push those anxieties of the doomed world away with a few Benzodiazepines. Xanax seems to be a popular one.

Benefit #3 - It's the Economy, Stupid!

So, have you heard about that massive social security problem that's going to cause a huge depression sometime in the next twenty years? How about that big Medicare problem? Oh, don't forget all the outsourcing and high gas prices. Well, if more people are taking pills, the more money the drug companies (and their stalk holders) will make. On top of that, if we get American's to work even more hours, we'll pump more money into our system. Solution: mandatory Ritalin for everyone. Eighteen-hour shifts a day won't be a problem if you pop a couple of these bad boys a day.

Conclusion - A Better Country Through Chemistry

Still think psychiatric medication is harmful? How could it be when it can fix all our problems so easily? Happier, calmer, richer people. It's the American way.