Manipulative Children: How to Stop Parental Terrorism

Children manipulate parents. It's what they do. Some children are blatant in their parental manipulation; others seem to have gained the skill required to manipulate their parents with extreme subtlety. For you parents with manipulative children like mine, I will provide some behavior examples and some tips to help maintain your cool in even the most intense situation.

My children are master manipulators. The other day, I was distracted, overwhelmed, and completely stressed out. During my explanation to my two children about what I expected to happen that evening, I heard giggling. Then my six-year-old son piped up.

"Mom? When is Hives Day?" my son asked.

"I don't know," I muttered.

"But Mom, when is Hives Day?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, getting a bit frustrated.

"Hives Day! So when is it?"

This line of questioning continued for what seemed like hours, but really he only asked me maybe 25 times. I was so completely frustrated that I couldn't even maintain coherency. "What? I don't even... what are you talking about?"

By this time my three-year-old daughter had chimed in as well. "Hives Day! Hives Day! Hives Day!" I felt like I was short-circuiting! I sent them both up to their rooms and locked myself in my bedroom to breathe for a few minutes.

When I felt a little more rational, I called to my son, who came not from his room, but from the living room where he and his sister had been watching TV. Forgetting about his location, I instead focused on trying to understand what he'd been talking about in the first place. When I asked what Hives Day was, he laughed and turned to his sister, "See? I told you they keep Hives Day a secret from the adults."

By this time we were well into our evening, and I'd used up all of our clean-up time on this fictional Hives Day. Because I didn't feel like fighting anymore, the kids got away with not having to pick up their toys. They wore me out. The thought hadn't even occurred to me that I'd been manipulated until I was retelling the story to my ex-husband, their father.

He scooped up our son onto his lap and tickled him. "Did you make Hives Day up?" he questioned him. Finally, our son gave it up and squealed, "Yes! Yes! I made it all up!"

His dad let him up and, without prompting, our son explained further. "Mom, I made it up so you would explode and we could do whatever we wanted." Remember, my son is only six.

From this episode, my ex-husband coined the phrase 'parental terrorism'. Terrorism is defined in part as 'the state of fear and submission produced by terrorization.' My children were, in essence, dominating me by taking control of the situation. They were so good, I didn't even realize it was happening.

How to stop parental terrorism in its tracks

Remain calm. Take a few deep breaths. Count to ten. Shoot, count to 100. Find your zen place. But whatever you do, do not give them control over the situation by losing your temper.

Set limits. My children love to bombard me with words. Whether it's a look, a firm "Stop," or simply ignoring the child, show them you are in charge. Different approaches will work for different parents. I have used all three methods, depending on the situation and my tolerance level. While I can't prevent them from talking, I can control my reaction to it.

Let them know you know what they are doing. I have since said to my son, "I know you are trying to make me angry so you don't have to pick up your toys. It's not going to work this time." He knows I'm wise to his manipulation, and he doesn't try it as often.

Tell them what they want to hear. For example, after my son admitted to pushing my buttons so I would explode, he then turned to his father and asked, "Dad? When is Vikings Day?" My ex-husband winked at me and answered, "July 18th." My son was happy with that answer and went on playing.

By following these simple tips, you too will be able to stop the parental terrorism in your home. Remember, no one knows you as well as your children do. Don't let them use that to their advantage.