Mannequin of the People

This week, I got a piece of mail urging me to consider voting for a certain candidate. It was the most honest political tract I've ever read. Granted, given your average political tract, the letter did not exactly rise to a "Breakthroughs In American Literature" moment. But I was impressed.

Actually, I got no such thing in the mail. But you surely know by now that I'll flick off truth like a bad hat. I never let truth get in the way of a good story. Plus, we're talking about politics here, so lying can't be far behind.

So here's the letter. Trust me.

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Dear Concerned Citizen,

I'm writing to ask for your vote.

My name is unimportant. After all, I'm just one more faceless drone in a sea of opportunists who have made a career out of making a career out of your money.

But you may recognize me as the well-dressed wax dummy in the store window down at Fred Knott's Big 'N' Tall Gents. You all know Fred and his store: "Want a fair deal? Fred Knott!"

For those who don't know me, my name is Jerry Mander. I'm married to the lovely Sally Mander, and we have two adopted sons, Eft and Newt Gingrich, fine lads with no pending indictments. Our children are enrolled in public or private schools, depending on polls, and we attend the same church as you, whichever church that is.

Trust me.

For decades, I've stood in Fred's window, doing whatever my handlers tell me to do - posing, participating in staged success stories - and always with an extended, upturned palm, posturing for some more of your money. I have perfect hair, perfect posture, a purchased smile, and free clothes. I can change positions faster than Arlen Specter.

I can be whatever you want me to be: tall or short, dark-skinned or fair, a paragon of success, a tabloid trash-item, a societal blister. I'll provide young people with what they want and protect old folks from what they fear. I can fake being glib, firm, thoughtful, pensive, or elated...whatever my handlers tell me is wanted that day.

I've never done anything in my entire life except stand around in public with my hand out, offering unfounded allure and promises to passersby. And the way I figure it, that qualifies me to run for public office.

I'm at least as qualified as any of the malleable bipeds and sycophantic sock puppets you people keep re-electing now - and I'm much better groomed. Chris Dodd, for example, looks like he's auditioning to play Sting's father in a "Dune" remake.

So where do I stand on the issues?

Health Care: I've not actually read it, but our proposed plan is without doubt the best plan we've come up with since the last plan we came up with, sometime earlier today. Haven't read that one, either.

The Global War on Overseas Contingency Operations: Nothing is more critical than national security, and that's why I heartily agree with our President that we shouldn't be listening to decorated Generals, in-country soldiers, and in-the-know intelligence experts. Rather, we should take our military cues from John "Chin-Bayonet" Kerry, who bravely lobs unarmed medals at defenseless fences, and ace military expert Joe Biden, who couldn't leak more if he was a crab trap.

Taxes: I am firmly on record as being absent for any votes on tax increases, though I sponsored most of the bills. I do, however, remain open to revenue enhancements, tariffs, fees, set-asides, mandates, alternative funding, ancillary monetary inducements, budget shortfall compensations, upward adjustments in participatory contributions, wallet extractions, and vital investments for our future. We're only doing it for you, you know.

So, this November, I'll be asking for your vote, and today, I'll begin asking for your money. Please consider making a contribution to my campaign. I understand that times are tough. Believe me, I get it. As one of my heroes once said, "I feel your pain."

If not for me, do it for my hero. Wasn't he just the best ever? Amazing. Empathetically biting his lip, while simultaneously nibbling your ear. And you guys still love him, too. I know.

How do I know? Polls. People like me won't even generate insulin without first taking a poll.

In one recent poll, 24% responded that they had no opinion. Imagine it. People took the time to respond to an Opinion Poll, just to admit that they didn't have an opinion.

And they call me a dummy.

So send me money. The more money you send me, the less of your pain I'll feel.

Trust me.