Manners in the New Millenium

Not long after man first walked upright, he discovered how to create fire, bringing the first modicum of civility into the human household. Certainly there was still a great deal of grunting and squatting about the cave or lean to, but with warmth, light, and even crudely cooked meals came the necessity to hover together as a family or tribal unit over a meal rather than drag off one's kill into a bush somewhere to chow down. Yes, dating rituals remained awkward affairs with dragging by the hair and smacking lesser males out of the way on the route to conquest still in vogue, but the creation of fire had begun to set man on a path to civility that could not be reversed.

Some few years later the British Empire emerged and all about the world gentlemen's clubs and dainty tea rooms sprang up. It's not that vast cultures were wiped out and replaced with little Britains so much as that vast cultures were modified to include a little Britain. Even in America, where we revere cowboys and truck drivers, we also emulate the model of civility. Or, at least, we used to strive for civility.

Certainly the 1950s posed some challenges to us as we moved our dinners out of the formal dining room and at times even out of the kitchen, and right into the living room. In order to save time and be able to watch Milton Berle prancing about in a dress, we eschewed the prime rib roast for frozen fish sticks and fries, served on plastic dinnerware or directly out of frozen food containers while nestling atop our little metal trays festooned with depictions of Roy Rogers' horse. Television and popular culture eclipsed the quest for high art and actual culture. Still, we survived. On many a night one could spy families actually dining in their good clothes at the formal table with nary a plastic spoon or paper plate in sight. Father sat at the head of the table in his sweater, or perhaps still wearing his white shirt and tie from work. Mother was in a fine dress or a smart pants suit, and the kids spoke energetically when called upon about their day at school. If the phone rang most families ignored it, keeping the dinner hour sacrosanct, or perhaps father would wander into the kitchen to advise the errant caller that the family was dining now and they would have to call back.

One could blame AT&T, MCI and Sprint for the initial and ongoing onslaughts on this last bastion of civility, the dinner hour. Once we broke the monopoly (which we now pretend is not a monopoly again though it has come back larger than ever) the phone companies, knowing our habits, our every move since they monitor our phone calls, knew they had us at dinner. They begged us to switch carriers. They bestowed us with answering machines, voice mail, Caller ID and Call Waiting. Some of us began to do the unthinkable, use the answering machine, turned up during dinner, to screen calls and determine who was worthy of disturbing what was left of our dinner hour. Once they had us on the phone, we were hooked. We bought all the attention deficit rewarding features. While talking to grandma on the phone Junior hears the tell tale beep of another call on the line, and rather than let it go to voicemail, which anyone with manners would do, he ventured into the realm of the previously unthinkable and sent granny to nowhere land while he spent the next ten minutes catching up with his homeboys on where the latest hang was going to be.

But, with technology came mobility. Understanding that where the phone went commerce could follow, we made the phone mobile. Competing with an internet that could keep people home all day if they really wanted to become hermits, the phone companies worked tirelessly to make the phones smaller, more portable, and more capable. Who needed conversation, family, when the cell phone could provide everything one needed?

Our sense of proper etiquette has been almost irrevocably changed. It is up to us to maintain etiquette and proper manners even as the road to total self-absoroption has been so ingeniously paved before us. For example, in the ladies' room in public there are certain rules we've always adhered to, adapting manners to new settings. If there are four stalls, you go to the first open stall. If it is occupied, you leave one stall empty and go to the third stall. Most conversation is carried on at the vanity, not near the commode. And the last thing one wishes to hear when taking care of private business in public, is your amplified conversation about some hot waiter over a cell phone. How little one must think of one's conversation mate to take (or worse, initiate) a call while in the public restroom. Bad enough the private conversation is now blasted for innocent bystanders to hear, but the person on the other end of the call is treated to all manner of unsavory background noise of which one hopes the most offensive is the loud sound of a flush. No cell phones in public restrooms. It is unseemly and unsanitary. What you do in the privacy of your own home remains your business, but one would also hope you draw the line at the bathroom at home as well.

And, back to the family dinner. No texting, no calling, no iPod ear buds on your head. When you sit down to a meal with family or friends your attention belongs with those at the table, not elsewhere. If your phone keeps incessantly beeping with IMs or someone repeatedly rings you, make an exception (excusing yourself form the table for a brief moment) and return the call to advise the errant individual that you are having dinner and will get back to them later. Smile, make conversation with those who have actually taken the time to gather with you. Engage yourself in the lives of others, do not force them to become engaged in your life offsite by taking a call or sending messages during a meal. It is the height of bad manners, and is especially bad manners when dining in public.

And mom, dad, put down those blackberries. There is no email you absolutely must return during dinner. Leave it in another room. Think about how your boss would take it if you spent all of your time in an important meeting texting your wife or calling your kids to see what was the haps. Show your family the same respect.

And, remember your company manners and your out on the town manners as well. If you are visiting at someone's house or you have guests over, do not repeatedly take calls on your cell phone, send texts or answer emails. Why on earth have you asked these people over or gone on this visit if you are not willing to give your time and attention to those actually assembled with you?

Theatre tickets cost upwards of $50-100 these days, so remember that everyone in the theatre has paid a high price for a night out and they do not want the death scene in Romeo and Juliet interrupted by the sound of your latest trendy ring tone, some gangsta rap tune at full volume advising some unfortunate ho or the punk ass of some homeboy that it is about the become the recipient of a popped cap. I'm sure your grandmother doesn't wish to be bombasted by that tune during your next visit to the assisted living center either. While movie tickets only run about $10-12, the same should hold for your time at the multiplex too. And just because you have a camera on your phone and the ability to launch photos immediately onto the internet or out to a wide network of friends, doesn't mean you have any more right to invade the privacy of your friends, families or total strangers than good manners ever dictated. Ask someone before you take their picture. Unless a crime is taking place or you've just been in an auto accident, all the normal rules of etiquette continue to apply.

And, the elevator. One finds it unfortunate that we now wax rhapsodic for the days of yore when all one had to fear in an elevator was an early death from lung cancer due to oft-inhaled second hand smoke. Now the so-called 'personal' musical devices allow anyone to walk into a crowded elevator with any manner of music blaring from his or her ear buds. Turn the volume down. There is a reason it is called an "i" Pod and not a "we" Pod. In an elevator everyone wishes to look at the door until it is time to get off, making only the nominal "good morning" or "Floor 5, please" conversation that is required in these anonymous settings. Similarly, just because you've chosen to port your music with you or take a loud phone call doesn't absent you from the niceties required in these situations. Blaring your music so that you cannot hear the gentle "good mornings" of the other travelers or the request that you, blocking the button panel, please push floors five and six for the newly arrived is uncivil. Make eye contact, and return greetings. It is just good manners.

All of this civility bleeds out into the larger world. When we remember to put our cell phones down while driving our vehicles on crowded expressways (or in parking lots, where most driver distraction fender benders happen), accidents are avoided. When driving, good manners and common sense require that we give our primary attention to the task at hand, not to the string of texts awaiting reply. And while it is all the fashion to have two DVD screens and six iPod plugs in 'family' vehicles these days, such an arrangement is anathema to civility. How can a driver not be distracted by all that racket? And, how does the driver know who's plugged in and who isn't when calling into the passenger compartment of the vehicle while driving to find out if anyone sees "Front Street"? Yes, on long trips diversions such as these can help pass the time, but do you really need to see five minutes of "The Little Princess" on your way to school in the morning? Wouldn't your attention be better engaged on your surroundings or on reasonable conversation with your fellow travellers?

Finally, one should remember at all times and in all settings that one is not the center of the universe. Bank tellers, grocery store clerks, the minimum wage earner at the drive up window at Mickey Ds, and most especially postal workers, do not want to wait out your latest conversation before you realize you are conducting a transaction. How special they must feel when you talk on and on to someone else while throwing money down on a counter and pointing to something off in the distance without so much as a "thank you". The people waiting on line behind you are ready to go, so why not step out of line if you really must take this call? It is just good manners.

Manners are at their core about humility. Manners acknowledge the presence of other beings on the planet, in the village, in the room. Manners remind "me" of my obligation to "you". A lack of manners is most often a sign of arrogance, not ignorance. A stranger travelling in a strange land most always acclimates himself to local customs and traditions by observing the actions of those around him, not focusing solely on himself. That hasn't changed. So, it remains a conundrum as to why in a familiar setting people choose not to acknowledge custom, manners, basic civility, and instead impose their own comfort, wants and needs upon the surroundings. Mankind has come a long way from huddling before the marvel of self-made fire, and with each new convenience and invention has made life easier for himself and hopefully for society. With each new social situation that has arisen, the human species has derived a proper way to navigate. If we lose that sense of navigation we have only ourselves to blame. Manners are about humility, civility. They dictate how anyone should behave in social situations. Anyone includes you and me. It excludes no one. The iPhone will one day be in a museum of Natural History, but manners are a constant and one should never abandon good manners.