Manning Up

It has been almost four months since my daughter, Madison, came into the world, and my e-mail box has been full of readers being inquisitive about how everything is going and how it feels to be dad.

Before Madison was born my wife, Alicia, and I spent time watching TLC's "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Home Baby." Having no experience with babies, I watched intently and often took notes. Being an experienced nanny, my wife, on the other hand, was good at pointing out what not to do. After watching the show for nine months, I thought I had a good idea of what to expect and what could go wrong. I had a stack of notes to reference after all.

If I was receiving a grade the first month it would have been a D+.

The first thing in my notes in big, black letters was "You will never sleep again." Well, let's just say the wife took the brunt of not sleeping. Don't assume I was lazy or not motivated; I just couldn't function properly if I didn't take my sleep medicine and the rest of my medicine. My wife understood that life was going to be easier if I was in the right mind-set. Just like my notes said, Madison ate, slept, pooped, and cried - a lot. I was hesitant at first when my wife asked, "Babe, are you ready to change her diapers?" At that point I was like a deer in the headlights. Fortunately, I manned up and went to work. I put the diaper on backward only once. I think my daughter knew I was all jacked up.

By the second month I was gaining momentum, or shall I say I was gaining daddy confidence. I will admit that I told my wife that the baby was boring because she wasn't very interactive. So what if I like being entertained? My wife constantly told me to take in these moments because Madison is going to grow up fast. As time went on, I started to look at my daughter differently, paying closer attention to the little things she did instead of looking for something amazing to happen. The one thing I am amazed by is Alicia's motherly instincts and loving patience. This month I gave myself a C for confidence.

The third month I think I threw out all of the notes and started to learn the ropes by getting more hands-on experience. My wife had an appointment, and she couldn't take the baby in, which left me to take care of my daughter. I strapped on my Jeep baby carrier and threw on the baby's diaper bag, kissed my wife as she went into the doctor's office, and there I was - just me and my daughter. I felt odd, out of place, almost like some kind of zoo animal being watched. One thing I have learned is Madison hates to be in one place and needs to be moving. Sounds like her dad. So we marched around the hospital for a little while, and then suddenly, Madison started screaming. I knew that she was hungry, so I went right to work. I opened up the bag, grabbed the bottle, and there the problem occurred. For the life of me I couldn't open the damn thing. I pulled. I tugged. I even bit on the top of the lid, but nothing worked. I started sweating, and Madison just started crying louder and louder. Her crying echoed, making it sound like I was strangling her or something. I tried to text my wife, but she didn't answer. Finally, after analyzing the bottle, I managed to open it.

After Madison ate, it wasn't long before she gave a grunt, and I was called to change a diaper. I walked over to the bathroom and went to the baby changing station. The baby changing station was something I had seen and walked by a million times, but now I was going to go to work on one. I noticed immediately that the station didn't have a changing sheet. I knew my wife would kill me if put her daughter on that thing, so I grabbed a baby wipe and cleaned it off. As I laid her down and was changing her, people came in. I instantly and instinctively covered her up. A guy who walked by laughed. After it was all said and done, it took me only a couple of minutes. I wasn't happy that the baby changer didn't have a disposable sheet so I went to find out what the deal was. I was told that they sanitize it multiple times and that it is fine. OK, call me silly and over the top, but that is totally unacceptable.

I survived my first 45 minutes of being alone with my daughter without anything terrible happening so I was happy, but I was really excited to see my wife when she returned.

In the past few weeks my daughter has been smiling, laughing, and generally being an outgoing baby. My wife and I spend a lot of time talking and reading to her. I have learned to do a lot in these last three and a half months that no TV show can teach. Every day my daughter grows bigger and learns about her world. At this point in my life, my job is to get through my demons of war. I pray that when my daughter gets older she will look at her dad and not see anger or pain, rather happiness and joy. My leadership - especially my squad leader, Sgt. Smith - has been supportive and understanding when things weren't going well. Having a leader who understands how hard it is to be a dad makes life easier.

I thank all my readers for your thoughts and prayers and advice. It has helped immensely.