Man-Review: 'Twilight'

Being the loving boyfriend that I am, I, after many jokes and "no thanks I'd rather use a dull chainsaw to castrate myself,' I reluctantly agreed to accompany my girlfriend and her friend to see the movie Twilight, based on the hugely popular Stephenie Meyer trilogy littering tween girls' bedrooms across the country.

My girlfriend managed to read the first book in the series in about 2 days. This only made the prospect of seeing the movie that much more frightening to me as, although I love my girlfriend with all my heart, we have completely opposite tastes in entertainment sometimes, i.e. she loves The Hills, and I love anything but The Hills.

The movie begins casual enough, giving the quick synopsis of how the main character finds herself moving in with her stereotypical alcoholic cop Sheriff in rural Washington state. After introducing several terrible supporting cast characters, the fun and excitement stirs when the heartthrob vampire enters the picture. Surprisingly, all of the vampires in the movie were young hot model-breed types. A daring change of course from every other vampire movie in existence. Not.

The middle of the story is an abundance of awkward back-n-forth moments between a homely main character whose name is irrelevant to me, and the "hunky" male vampire she wants to bone. When he finally reveals his "secret" to her, 25 minutes (movie-time) after she figured it out, he reveals some of the most ridiculous vampire traits I have ever heard of.

My whole life I've told that vampires burst into flames whenever they're exposed to sunlight, or UV Rays (thanks Blade). But, in Twilight, the vampires...wait for it....wait... THEY GLITTER. That's right, the vampire turns into what most guys look like at 7am after walking out of a Vegas strip club. A glittery hell. I unsuccessfully stifled my laughter as I watched the next 10 minutes of the movie having lost all respect for anyone enjoying it in the theatre. I soon found myself squeezing my eyes closed in an attempt to save any testosterone still gasping for life within my body.

The rest of the movie is pointless, and honestly the only good part was when the main character gets her leg snapped by an evil vampire towards the end right before he throws her across the room into a mirror.

This movie sucked more than I had even anticipated. The main character was frumpy, and the acting was terrible. I gave it a chance out of respect for my girlfriend, but now she had better buy me the RAMBO collection on Blu-Ray disc for Christmas if she ever wants another spider killed in our house. I'f you're a single guy trying to get in a girl's pants, take her to that Christmas movie with Vince Vaughn instead. Twilight sucks.