Manspeak: Do We, as Men, Speak a Different Language Than Women?

Men are frequently guilty of mistakes, in particular, executing verbal instructions received from our female counterparts. When these occurrences happen, we are contritely accused of "not listening" or "ignoring them" or some such other rhetoric, when the fact is that most women break socially binding communication standards all the time. They do this in three major ways, reverse speak, euphemisms, and inferred telepathy. Let me take a few moments to cover each of these topics, and explain how each one creates negative connotations for us, the men!

First up is the most famous of these interpretive dance languages, and that is reverse speak. Every guy has had this one come back and bite him at least once in a relationship. This is when a woman professes one thing when she actually means the opposite, or at least something that isn't quite what she stated to begin with. One of the best examples comes at either Christmas or Birthday time, when they vehemently express to you that they don't want you to spend too much, or there is a certain item that she really wants but she doesn't want you to spend that much money, (By the way guys, this one is a dead give away. If you don't get her the item that she specifically pointed out, even though she said it was too expensive, you'd better make reservations at Fido's Bed and breakfast, cause you'll be bunking with the dog for some time to come. Woof!), guess what, check your schedule, because the hint train just arrived. They constantly say one thing when they mean another, purporting to have said just what they meant, when in actuality, they have left it to our own interpretation. Shame on them for making such assumptions about us. Men are simple creatures with simple needs, and as such, must be treated in the same accord. Don't talk down to us, but say what you mean and mean what you say! When we speak plainly we are accused of being insensitive or brutish, when in reality, we are speaking in a language that we understand.

Euphemisms are a woman's mechanism in which they say something inertly condescending, yet come off as being a victim if we challenge them on the underlying meaning of their statement. These can be very slippery slopes to travel when we challenge them, and we must be very careful not to misinterpret their true meaning. Let's say you had a spat the night before about being home at a certain time that you said you would, but, for unforeseen circumstances, you were late. The next morning, the conversations the two of you have are all laden with references to timeliness, without any direct reference to the incident the night before. If you a male dare challenge the unspoken gauntlet which has been thrown, he will meet with an untimely demise of his esteem. He will generally encounter terms such as, "What are you talking about?", or "I never said that!", or the ever volatile, "What's the matter, guilty conscience?" They have an irrepressible way of making a guy feel wrong, feel guilty, look bad and, oh yes, bray like a jack-ass, all while remaining innocent, while they hold a lighter to your emotional gasoline. They do this to assert their hold on us, make us look like we're always the one in the wrong, and keep their sainthood in tact. This is one of the times where a woman's manipulative power comes to bear the strongest, all while maintaining the "What, Lil' old me. Whatever do you mean?" attitude.

The last means of employed communication is that of "inferred telepathy". A man does not realize that this has happened until the dogs of doom are at the gates! The first lines generally spoken on an "inferred" subject are usually of an inquisitive nature. They may consist of,"So, how was your day?", or "Anything special happen today?" These are bombshells waiting to blow-up in your face! This is when the more experienced male will think very quickly, and come up with some false disaster that consumed his day, just in case he has to answer for forgetting some "inferred" errand. These questions may seem harmless in and of them selves, but look at them again. The word "so" is the loaded gun in the first one, because it infers expectations, and the word "special" is the death knell in the second sentence, because it is prying for something specific, something specific that you should know! Now, it always comes down to that we forgot to do something that was obviously more important to them than to us, otherwise, otherwise, our radar would have been pinging when the "inferred telepathy" was sent out. Let me be clear here, we never to forget to pick up our kids, (yet this we get reminded about?), or other important articles of capitulation that are the fodder of our days. But, if, during the track meet that is your life, you don't think to stop by a store she happened to mention three weeks ago, and pick up something she was thinking about before you left, but failed to tell you about it. Well then my friend, your life just became useless, because you never think of anyone else but yourself! (This is true about men, but we'll deny it to the bitter end!) But as I have stated previously, men are simple creatures, treat us that way when you want something!

All we want from women is clarity in communication. "Say what you mean, and mean what you say" as I have always been told. Speak slowly when you give us direction. Make us repeat if needed. Write it down if you must, but tell us exactly what you want! Don't expect us to understand your nods or looks or knowing smiles, (how many times has your husband or boyfriend said "WHAT?" right after you gave him a look that you feel he should have intimately known what was going on). Let's face it ladies, we're on different planets when it comes to language. Maybe you gals can understand each other, but more often than not, we're in the dark, and we're not looking for a light. Why? Because we like to have it that way. We prefer basic tools and even more basic communication. We respond to "ugh" and "oo" and we understand a club on the head. We have been hewn to figure out a well placed itch, but not complex syntax. Please, don't rely on us to interpret your meanings, just give them to us. But what do I know, I'm just a man!