Maria Roth: What is She and Where Did She Come From?

Maria Roth is a big crybaby. If you don't believe me, I have some proof. Here are Maria's comments on my critically acclaimed article on the new Associated Content rating system titled, Was This Helpful? I Hope Not! (Critically acclaimed, you ask? No less an authority than my dear wife-who reads all of my work-deemed it "Pretty good. But I didn't really understand what you were talking about.")

FRANK! YOU STOLE MY ARTICLE! YOU BASTARD!!!! I'm not kidding (oh, I'm kidding about the bastard part, but not about the stealing-my-article part)!

Posted on 10/08/2009 at 7:10:02 PM

As you can see, the lady has completely lost her mind and is accusing me of "stealing" her idea. Not satisfied with that, Maria goes on to publish an article of her own titled, What to Do when Frank Mucci Steals Your AC Article Idea. In the article, she does say some nice things about me, but it is obvious she is still upset that I am much faster on the keyboard than she is. To avoid having me "steal" any more of her great ideas, Maria offers a list of ideas for future articles for me.

One of those ideas is for me to write a profile of-as she puts it-"AC's Smartest, Funniest, Greatest Writer Ever: Maria Roth." Since I feel I owe her one, and because I am a bit of an authority on all things Maria Roth, I will now answer some of the most often asked questions about Maria. OK, nobody has ever actually asked me any questions about Maria, but these are questions I would imagine they'd ask if they ever really cared enough to ask any questions about her.

Where was Maria born?

Maria is the son of a black man from Kenya and a white man from Kansas. Oh wait...these are the notes for a piece I'm writing on the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. Actually, Maria was raised by wolves and found in a cave in the deepest regions of Kansas City. After many years of training, she was released into society and has even learned to poop in a toilet!

Is Maria married?

Yes she is, however she admits having had numerous fantasies involving both Donald Pennington and MickeysBigMouth, the sordid details of which I prefer not to reveal here. Let's just say it involves duct tape and a jar of mayonnaise.

Did you really steal the "Was This Helpful" article idea from Maria?

Absolutely not! I admit that I have made several telepathic visits inside Maria's head hoping to discover what she is thinking. Unfortunately every time I have done that, not much was going on. Besides, if I was going to actually steal anything from her, it would be the double-jointed thumbs she brags about in her bio. No telling what I could do with those.

Maria has 165 fans and you only have 66. What's up with that?

Maria's writing appeals to the masses-everyday people with low IQs and missing teeth. On the other hand, an extremely high intellect is required in order to fully understand the deep messages, symbolism, and hidden meaning that live so prominently in my articles. Therefore I have a small, but discriminating band of followers.

What did Maria do for a living before becoming a writer?

Prior to writing for AC, Maria dropped out of school to become a supermodel. After nearly losing her life to drugs and bulimia, she left the modeling business and entered a convent. On the verge of becoming a nun, Maria lost her calling and decided to instead follow the band Kiss on their world tour. She proudly boasted that she slept with each member of the band-while they were still dressed in full makeup!-plus all the roadies, but several bouts with sexually transmitted diseases had her yearning for a simpler life. That is when she moved to Pennsylvania and joined an Amish community-in fact Maria is credited with starting the whole Amish Friendship Bread craze! This ignited a love for cooking and she left her Amish friends and headed to New York City where she began taping a weekly program on the Food Channel. Following the famous food poisoning scandal of '96 which cost the cable station numerous sponsors, Maria was fired by the Food Channel and turned to heavy drug and alcohol use and a life on the streets. To support her habit, Maria turned tricks and stole money from some of her more affluent clients-one of whom was a prominent governor from a very large state. Approached by numerous publishers to tell her story in print, Maria wrote her bestselling autobiography From Being Raised by Wolves to Pleasuring Wolves: The Incredible Journey of Maria Roth and from that her new career as a writer began. Inspiring indeed.

Anything else we should know about Maria?

Yes. Maria is one of the finest writers we have at AC and I am proud to call her my friend. And most importantly, she has a great sense of humor...I hope.