Marital Troubles When a Child Dies

"The death of a child is one of life's most destructive occurrences at any age or life stage simply because it is a disruption of what we believe to be the natural order of life." Explained Katrina Banaski, an elder care specialist with United Regional Medical Centers. "The age of the parent or child has no bearing. A child's death is devastating and has reaching effects to other relationships."

Popular opinion tells us most marriages are unable to make it through such a tragedy. Parental grief experts tell us the pain of losing a child is lengthened and exaggerated in every way. The belief in life's continuous predictability is challenged. Our very foundation is shaken. Contrary to popular belief however, it does not mean that divorce is unavoidable.

Studies by Directions Research, Inc and NFO Research, Inc. for the parental grief support group "The Compassionate Friends" the nations largest bereavement organization, found only 16 percent of couples that experience the death of a child end up getting divorced. Of that 16% less than half reported the impact of the death of their child had a factor in the decision to divorce. It has been popular consensus that when a child dies the stress is enough to eventually destroy even the strongest marriage. Studies show us differently however. We have learned that while the death of a child can strain a marriage it doesn't usually end in divorce. Most married couples that experience this kind of devastation pull together and some even become stronger.

Charlotte M. Mathes, psychoanalyst and member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, explains that although a grieving parent may feel unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster of loosing a child, jumping headlong into the fray of emotions eventually leads to peace. Many other factors play into the final effect a child's death has on a marriage. Joined with their intense anguish couples face issues like how to parent their other children, blame and guilt and differences in their ways of grieving in those first years. It can take as long as two years to begin to see the results of the healing process. Each couple will experience a different time frame for recovery based on their personal circumstances. How strong the marriage was before tragedy struck is important. The stronger the communications process in the marriage the better. Communication is essential in recovery. Without a conscious effort to move on and heal it is possible to battle the effects of a child's death for a lifetime.

Surviving these issues takes the practice of a few strategies. First and foremost it is very important to realize and understand there is no one right way to grieve. Even if a specific practice or ritual seems very therapeutic and affords one spouse great comfort it may still have the exact opposite effect on the other spouse; causing a feeling of torment and utter sadness.

Another important approach is to be accepting of change. Change is inevitable after the death of a child. Not only are many parents' responsibilities and routines changed completely but some become so memory and anguish filled they are practically impossible to complete. Expect change and be prepared to deal with it. It occurs in areas of life related to the lost child but in many other aspects as well.

A serious marital trap after the deal of a child is placing blame. Feelings of resentment often occur between parents but can be dealt with in a healthy manner. Realize that reasoning is often clouded by grief. Angry, resentful feelings and blame throwing is dangerous and hinders the healing processes. Communication techniques such as expressing yourself with phrases like "I feel bad when you say..." instead of "You make me really mad when you say..." keep blame and fault from entering the conversation.

Great importance is also placed on making sure that each spouse's need for love is being adequately met. Commonly men feel loved when they feel they are valued. Women feel love when they are shown understanding and compassion. Sex plays a very unique role with each gender. Men often need sex to feel connected and loved by their wife while women may feel that sex is wrong when their child is now dead. Although women will often shy away from sex their need to cuddle and touch becomes more prominent.

There are two facts that experts agree bereaved parents should be clear on; there are no quick fixes and complete isolation is not an option. Nothing happens immediately. There is no magic therapy exercise that will make the pain go away. Grieving and recovering from a child's death is a long and painful process that only time can facilitate. Nor should it be attempted alone. A certain amount of solitude is acceptable and necessary to healing but a complete cut off of work and personal contacts is detrimental. Personal contact is beneficial. It is a reminder that life goes on. Keeping an open spousal relationship is especially helpful. It maintains closeness and strengthens the marital bond.

Despite the lasting effects it has on a marriage the death of a child does not foreshadow divorce. Counseling from a specialist in the field is imperative. Much can be accomplished with the aid of someone trained to deal with such harrowing issues. Support groups are a big advantage as well. Weathered grieving parents offer advice and the knowledge of familiarity to newly bereaved parents. Both experience advantages.

Regardless of the route chosen healing and maintaining your marriage is attainable.