Marriage: Back to Basics

Have you ever considered the reasons why certain marriages succeed? A recent statistic shows that approximately 50% of marriages result in divorce. As the demise of the family structure is showing an increase, it is important to learn how to counteract the effects of harmful influences. Therefore, I conducted a brief survey seeking answers to the following questions:

1. In what ways do you try to "strengthen" or improve your marriage?

2. If someone were to ask you, "How do you stay married," what would you say?

3. What would you say are some steps to "build a better relationship"?

4. How do you go about "building and strengthening intimacy"?

The questions yielded some very helpful responses in gaining direction for successful marriages. Certainly, communication was identified as the "key". This can include discussions about work worlds, subjects of tension that are often avoided, personal fears, and future aspirations. One respondent stated that communication must be "intentional" therefore making an effort to engage with your partner not only to be heard, but to "hear". Productive listening skills increase awareness of your partner's triggers that may contribute to conflict. It is important to decrease the goal of being heard and increase the goal of listening without defensiveness.

Next, certain respondents view marriage as a choice where divorce is not an option. Furthermore, love was seen as a decision that needs to be followed by action. In order to put love into action and honor the choice of marriage, it is critical to include ways that will make your marriage THRIVE! What might that look like? According to respondents this includes: prayer, making time for one another, kissing and hugging like teenagers, planning dates, not being so busy that you cannot fit each other in, random acts of kindness, engaging in your partner's interests, do not have a television in the bedroom, getting away for a few days....the list goes on. Overall, it is important to keep your marriage from becoming a routine...be sure to take steps to breathe life and excitement into your relationship. Make it THRIVE!

Finally, "laying down pride" is a considerable factor in staying married. How do you do this? First, is practicing fair fighting rules meaning you have no goal to hurt your partner but to seek resolution during periods of disagreement (this means not fueling the fire by bringing up past incidents). Second, is enjoying your differences therefore not seeing some of your partner's habits as a nuisance but considering if this is one of the reasons you were originally attracted. Third, is to tap into the wisdom of others who have a healthy marriage that includes arguments with resolution, door slamming with hugs and kisses at the end, and periods of boredom that are recognized and later filled with excitement.

Overall, learning how to share your life with someone else can be challenging as you each are entering a situation with previous life experience that has formed your personality and interests. Yet, it is important to determine how to effectively transition into this new of phase of life with the person you so dearly chose to love.