Marriage: Blending Families with Autism

A little over 2 years ago, I married my wonderful husband. Upon this marriage, 2 totally different families merged into one. One had a child with Autism and one did not. It's been interesting to say the least.

Having raised my son, who is Autistic, as an only child, it was difficult for him to understand not being an only child anymore. My 23-year-old stepson had the same types of feelings. The difference? My stepson is not Autistic. He has the ability to reason normally, even if he sometimes doesn't act like it. The main problem is that he also expects his 12-year-old stepbrother to think and act rationally. This is often not possible for a child with Autism.

Children with Autism have their own take on logic. And it usually makes absolutely no sense to the rest of us. Especially someone who has not had all that much exposure to someone with a mental disability. Making assumptions and demands on a child with Autism is not a very bright way of dealing with the situation. Expecting them to think as a "normal" person thinks, or to act the way a "normal" person acts is absolutely silly. And ignorant. Instead, in a perfect situation, the step-sibling should make some kind of attempt to understand what's going on in the brain of their newest sibling. Instead of making themselves look stupid and uncaring. This is not the case for every new marriage, but it is the case in mine. So, I started thinking, and told myself that there has to be a way to help others out there who may encounter this situation themselves some day.

So here are some recommendations. If you are marrying into, or are taking on, a family who has a child with Autism, consider doing the following:

1. Share as much information about Autism as possible with your soon to be spouse about the condition if you are the parent of a child with Autism. If you are the soon to be spouse, try to understand what you will be getting into. MAKE an effort to understand. Be compassionate!

2. If you have other children from a previous relationship who will be living with you and the child with Autism, help your children to understand what life can be like living with Autism. Encourage them to read more on the condition, if they are old enough to understand.

3. Consider counseling. This is really good advice someone gave me. Nobody LIKES counseling, but there are going to be lots of issues that need to be worked out. Make everyone's life easier and get those feelings out on the table. BEFORE something bad happens.

4. Try to be understanding. DON'T interfere in matters that are clearly between the child with Autism and their parent. Yes, you are now a "parent" to them, too. But, know when to leave it to their "Birth" parent. Sometimes, it works better that way. And, the child may love you all the more for it. It depends on whether both parents were present in their life before your marriage. In my case, no. But, again, everyone's case is different.

5. Join a local support group for parents of children with Autism. You will find lots of support and guidance. You aren't going to be the only one who has married into a family who is dealing with Autism.

6. If you have older children, say over 18, make sure they understand WHOSE in charge of the child with Autism. It's NOT them. Unless they are babysitting! Tell them NOT to issues orders or cause problems for the child with Autism. It will only cause more strain between them. It's a tense enough situation with a blending of families. It doesn't have to be made worse with intolerance and poor timing.

7. READ, READ, READ!!! Educate yourself about the condition. Search the web! Check out books from the library. Contact the local chapter of the Autism Society of America for more information. Anything to help you understand this condition.

8. Talk to your soon to be spouse, ask questions. Get to know the child. Spend time with him/her. Do everything you can think of to understand this condition.

This are only a few things I could think of. But, ultimately, life is stressful enough having to raise a child with Autism. My son, who is 12 now, has greatly benefited from having my husband in his life. Without his support, I doubt my son would be who he is now. And yes, they drive each other nuts. But, we're working on it.

The point is, my husband made an effort to get to know Matt and get to know something about Autism. We've done some counseling, albeit without my stepson, but we're trying. Things are going well. Not everyone is experiencing this happy scenario though. Which is why I hope this article will give them some hope that it is possible to blend two kinds of families. Families need to be united in giving support to each other, Autism or not. But, sometimes, having Autism as a part of the family, means it just needs a bit more of a nudge to make things work out for the best.

Here are some good websites on Autism:

www.autismspeaks.org
www.autism.org
www.autismspeaks.org
www.autism-society.org