Marriage And Chronic Illness: How Being Sick Affects More Than Just the Patient

Chronic is a word that I have grown to hate over the years but have had to accept as a part of my daily life. I'm not the only person who has had to accept and deal with the effects of chronic illness. My whole family is impacted by the daily ramifications of living with someone who is chronically ill.

It's easy for a chronically ill patient to only think about what they are going through and how hard the illness is on them. After all, they are the ones who are suffering. But we also have to remember that when we are sick, our families have to deal with the emotional baggage that we carry plus pick up the extra physical load that we're not able to carry.

Affects on Marriage

The divorce rate among the chronically ill is 75% so obviously the struggle is very real in families dealing with chronic illness. Approximately one out of every two people is dealing with a chronic illness either directly or indirectly. Being a caregiver to someone who is sick all of the time is a huge responsibility and can be a huge burden regardless of how much you love the person.

My husband and I both have chronic illnesses so we have really had to learn how to work together as a team and to make our marriage and family work. I think because both of us are sick we can relate to each other and we understand the unexplainable symptoms, emotions and the frustration involved. It has actually made our marriage stronger and we understood going into the marriage that the vows "in sickness and in health" for us would be more sickness than health.

My first marriage failed mainly due to my chronic illnesses. My ex-husband did not believe that I was sick and thought that I was just faking it. He could not understand that with the illnesses I have remissions and flares are common and that even though right this minute I might feel good, in 20 minutes I can be bedridden.

The spouse of someone who is chronically ill may always feel as though they have to be "on" and that they can never afford to get sick or get tired. It is a lot of extra stress on them and they know that even if they don't feel good, their spouse feels worse and their needs typically have to come first.

If you were formerly an active couple who enjoyed going out on the town and always having a good time, chronic illness will change that lifestyle quickly. This can be an adjustment for the caregiver/spouse when the ill patient has to back out of planned events and their social life comes to a screeching halt.

Your sex life will also change when chronic illness hits. Typically in most chronic illnesses the libido is affected drastically and sex is the last thing on the patient's mind.

Mood swings can be a big part of dealing with chronic illness. Imagine someone who is sick 24-hours a day, seven days a week, in pain and can't function, work or do anything productive. Imagine how that must be emotionally devastating for the patient and how frustrating it can be also. The spouse of someone who is chronically ill will never know from day to day, minute to minute what mood their spouse will be in. What the ill patient might find amusing one minute might anger them the next. Hormone changes and dysfunctions commonly cause the mood swings too.

It probably sounds hopeless after reading this article, but trust me, it's not! A chronically ill patient can still have a happy marriage if they just remember a few important tips.

Communicate. Communication is the most important key in making any relationship work, whether chronic illness is involved or not. The patient needs to remember that it is not just them involved with the chronic illness and that they need to have understanding towards their spouse. We desperately want our spouses to understand what it is like daily living with a chronic illness. The fact is the spouse can never truly know what it's like and they can never fully understand unless they are in the same situation.

The spouse needs to be willing to just listen when the patient wants to talk. Husbands typically are "fixers" and they just want to solve the situation but with chronic illness, that's not going to happen. The patient often just wants someone that they can vent to and who will listen to them. We don't want advice, we don't want pity and we don't want a motivational, rah rah speech - we just want our spouses to listen.

Communication is especially important when chronic illness affects the couple's sex life. The spouse may take the rejection personally and think that you intentionally do not want to have sex with them. Most chronically ill patients want nothing more than to have their sex life back. But your spouse isn't going to know that if you don't tell them. There are still ways that you can have sexual relations with your spouse and intimacy without doing anything that may be too hard on your body. Experiment and try different things with each other.

Don't be too hard on your spouse. If your spouse has to take care of the house, the laundry, the cooking and the children, don't be too hard on them if they do not do the job as perfect as you would if you were able. It will be so easy for the resentment to build up and you may find that your spouse will refuse to do anything at all if you don't show appreciation for what they are trying to help you with. You have to learn to let go of the control and let them help the best way they know how. Thank your spouse often for all that they do and make them feel special and loved because they are doing their best to help.

Meet with the doctor together. I think it is important for the patient and their spouse to attend some doctor's appointments together. The spouse can relay things to the doctor that the patient themselves might not notice as a problem. It is also a good education for the spouse and a chance for them to learn about your chronic illness. If your spouse expresses a concern about mood swings or depression issues that the patient may not recognize themselves, the door is now open for possible treatments to help combat these issues.

Counseling. If the patient or spouse feels that as a couple they are not doing well dealing with the chronic illness, professional counseling or going to your church for counseling are great options. In counseling, the married couple will each have a chance to express their feelings, vent and are given exercises in how to work together.

Most importantly, love each other and don't give up. Remember why you fell in love and know that person is still in there underneath the illness. Getting through the first couple of years with a chronic illness is the hardest. Make time for each other to just be alone and enjoy each other's company.