Marriage is Not an "Outdated Biblical Concept" - Notes from the Ministry

There is a disturbing, relatively-new trend affecting many parts of the United States; and it appears that it is becoming more and more widespread. Young people-- and those who are not so young-- are becoming increasingly turned off by the subject of traditional marriage, and increasingly inclined toward less-than-satisfactory "alternatives." Some claim, as their reason for this, that they consider marriage to be "Biblically-based morality," an outdated concept; others, having seen divorce and the consequences thereof in older people, and conclude that every marriage is doomed to fail and is nothing but the first step toward divorce; however, if they were to all assess their own personal motives honestly they would see that hiding behind such excuses is the fact that traditional marriage is intended to be a "for the rest of our lives" commitment-- and that it is a commitment too many are unwilling to make, preferring, instead, to settle for what may be considered watered-down substitutes but, in fact, bear little resemblance to "the real thing."

A young girl in her early twenties recently remarked: "Dating is a part of every healthy person's lifestyle." Certainly-- if the person is a teenager, a college student, or in that range where lack of maturity and lack of life experience have one in the position of not yet being prepared for a full commitment to another person and everything that type of commitment involves; but the problem is that many like this young lady do not see the subject in those terms-- they see "dating" as not a means to an end, but as the preferred end-result in itself. In other words, instead of considering dating as it was originally meant-- to get to know a number of people, ultimately resulting in finding one's life-mate-- many simply wish for "dating" to be their ongoing, permanent way of life.

Another popular alternative is to be "in a relationship." While it can range from seeing one person exclusively to living together, it essentially does not mean anything-- regardless of the "terms" two people put on their so-called "relationship," when the full commitment is missing, it is missing, period.

While these "alternative lifestyles" are counterproductive to the lives of adults who choose them, they are even more destructive when they are chosen by adults who have children. The bottom line on this aspect of the subject: what children need most are stability, security, and attachment; and these things occur not only by their parents' commitment to them, but their commitment to each other. What children-- including teens-- need more than anything else is to know that the person or persons in their lives who are here today will be here tomorrow, next week, next year; and neither dating nor other arrangements provide the solid foundation of two adults who are married to each other, or, in some circumstances, one parent who has been with them throughout their early years and will continue to be. "Parents" are not interchangeable-- the person or persons who have nurtured and loved a child throughout x-number of years are the only ones who have earned and deserve that role and title.

For adults themselves, though, it seems as if many simply do not get it-- until, in most cases, years and decades themselves begin to make the situation clear. When one states "Marriage is the most important thing in life," such a phrase is often up for misunderstanding. What it does mean is that it is intended to be both the foundation of and the primary relationship of an adult person's life. This concept may necessitate an explanation for those who have not thought of it in such terms. As for the first part, think of life as being similar to a child's building blocks-- the little colored blocks which most small children have had; call each block by the most important aspects of a person's life, and put them on top of each other, one by one, in a tower as a child would do. For those of us who have God in our lives, "God" would be the first block-- on the bottom, first, the main foundation. The next block is that of the marital relationship. Upon that, set your children. Next, the block which you may call Community-- your job, friends, personal interests, neighborhood. If you assess this "tower" accurately, it should be clear that there are no "blocks" whose significance can be dismissed-- if you take out any of these blocks, or neglect to add them in the first place, it results in a very out-of-balance life. The marital relationship is that upon which one builds the other aspects of one's life, and by which one relates to the other parts of one's life. Without this foundation, a parent, for example, relates to the children either as if the children were the primary focus of his or her child-centered life, or as if the children are merely "there" as he or she goes about his or her "own life."

As for the second problem connected to this new lifestyle, that of marriage intended to be the primary relationship in an adult's life, it is something which is more easily understood if both "sides" have been either seen in others or experienced firsthand; but both the "having" and the absence have a wide range of effects on people's lives. The bottom line is that in the absence of a committed relationship with one person, there are no other persons or relationships in an adult's life which are adequate substitutes. On what may be considered the lesser side, although far from minor, the joys, sorrows, crises, and everyday living experiences are meant to be shared first with one's spouse-- and while it is difficult to describe, attempting to put someone else in that place does not work. There is just something different about sharing such experiences with one's child, parent, best friend, or current significant-other; and that difference is not desirable. On an even more serious side, encompassing the fact that many parents are continuing parenthood as "singles," is that in the event of the parent's untimely death, children are left in the unfair position of being raised by grandparents and other older relatives.

Being single in one's adult years may, occasionally, be due to circumstances; in other instances it may be necessary for a variety of reasons; but in the interest of one's life in general, it should be considered a temporary state or stage; for embracing it as permanent and/or preferred "way of life" will, at some point, result in the absence of that all-important foundation to become all-too clear.