Marriage Problems: How to Avoid Divorce

My husband and I are a few of the "lucky" ones. My parents and his parents are both still married, and only married once. How rare it seems today! In fact, my husband has been married before me, thus breaking the chain in our families. What makes divorce so commonplace today?

I believe that many divorces are caused out of "laziness" or lack of interest. Marriage doesn't seem to be taken seriously anymore. When taking vows, marriage is supposed to be a sacred, life-long pact. So many marriages are made out of pressure, convenience, as a cover, or simply out of carelessness. Some are made all for the "show" of it (for example, think Hollywood here!). My husband has confessed that he was first married because his family thought it was the "right" thing to do. How can such an important and unique event become so…lifeless?

Any doubt you have before getting married should be addressed before the big day. Of course, many people will have "cold feet" and wonder if what they are doing is right. This is not uncommon, but take the time to ask yourself why you feel this way. Is it because you are simply nervous about the ceremony? Or is it because you are unsure of your partner? Sort these feelings out before saying "I do" or you may wish you'd have said that you needed more time to think!

It is never wise to get married to please others, whether it be because of a child out of wedlock (unless you were planning to get married to begin with), for monetary gain, or pressure from your partner. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable will not go away after marriage. It will most definitely cause strain and stress in the marriage, and will ultimately destroy it.

In a lot of cases, too many couples find it "too hard" to work through any issues they may come across. Too many couples think that once they are married, all troubles are behind them! A piece of paper making a union legal doesn't work magic. In fact, some people encounter more problems after they are married than before they were married! Do not try to convince yourself that marriage will solve everything. Marriage is a complex and fragile thing, and it does take work on both ends to see things through. Some couples go through marriage counseling before they take the plunge to learn how to wade through all the muck that they will be sure to encounter.

Unfortunately, we all know that some marriages cannot be saved. Certain problems may become too complex and perhaps too dangerous to try to solve. However, I firmly believe that if you take the time to see any problem as a possibility before you take the final step toward marriage and talk it over with your future spouse, you will see how things could turn out if they should ever happen. It is important to note how your partner reacts to any problem you wish to discuss. If they simply do not want to talk about it, then you will certainly have communication problems down the road. They may be uncomfortable with anything too close to the truth. Also, people don't simply "change" when married. They are the same people as before. For example, if a person is abusive in any way, nothing will likely change that, and they need to help themselves before having any kind of relationship with anyone else. Any type of danger is nothing to shrug off and ignore.

To avoid conflict in our marriage, my husband and I have a basic set of unwritten rules. They may sound absurd to some, maybe even controlling to others, but we have found that these rules have brought us closer to each other than we had ever expected. These rules of ours have come about even before we were married. They evolved with each issue that came at us. Simply speaking, they were born out of our past experiences.

For example, our biggest rule is that we don't go out without each other. I'm not saying that one of us can't run to the store or visit with friends; I'm saying that we don't go "out on the town" or party without the other. That simply invites trouble, jealousy, mistrust, and a whole slew of other problems we have encountered in the past. My friends have criticized us on this rule. They say that we can't possibly trust each other if we can't let each other out of the other's sight. I have many arguments for this. For one, we have always said, "Why would we want to go out without one another?" We are best friends. We do most everything together. If we need time apart, going out drinking alone or with a group of single friends (which a lot of ours are) would definitely not work well. That's simply common sense. We are both "jealous" people. We know what boundaries to set and are mutually comfortable with those boundaries. For other couples, this may not even be an issue. But knowing what the issues are to begin with and avoiding conflict altogether is in the best interest of any relationship.

If you're already in a problematic marriage, seek professional counseling or talk together with someone that you are both comfortable with. The problem(s) will only get bigger and harder to solve if left ignored. If you are the victim of abuse, GET OUT. You (and any children involved) are more important than anything else right now, and staying will certainly not help. Seek counseling for yourself and your children. There is no excuse for abuse, or to let it continue. You alone have the power to stop it by getting help for yourself and any innocent children.

In conclusion, the act of compromise should be in any marriage! No one has a perfect marriage. Everyone will disagree! Agreeing to disagree and work around any problems are what makes a marriage last. Knowing that there will be problems is very smart; knowing how to deal with problems beforehand is genius!