Marriage and Recovery

Well, I am going to reveal a secret about myself that may provoke pity in some and laughter in others. I just found myself at the losing end of a marriage. Now before you go passing judgment allow me to explain my side of the story and even give you a few tips on surviving afterwards both emotionally and financially. I hope that if any of my mistakes mirror your own then perhaps it can help you before it's too late.

It all started in four years ago when a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of hers via the internet; they had known each other for quite some time and were the best of friends so I didn't feel to awfully nervous about talking to this woman over the internet...and talk we did.

She and I spent every waking minute together for nearly a month and I mean that literally. I would wake up, log on and she would be waiting or vice versa; we talked about everything and never seemed to be short on topics of conversation. Finally something came awake in me that had never stirred before: I wanted to be a husband, I loved this woman. So after hemming and hawing around the question for several days I finally asked her: "If I came down there to get you, would you marry me?"

So on the best and worst day of my life, she said "Yes." I ran and told my friends that I intended to marry this internet woman whose face I had only seen on a webcam. There were various reactions; I guess the most memorable being when my child-hood friend placed his hands one at a time on my shoulders. Chuckling all the while and finally saying "BullS--T". I think back sometimes and thought perhaps I should have listened but honestly I don't regret my decision to marry her then and I don't regret it now. It has been a growing experience that I feel has left me wiser and maybe even stronger as a person.

Onward we go with our tell of woe.

One thing I should say is that I was probably not in any financial shape to get married. I lived in a run down apartment down town, I was living on my military benefits and I had JUST managed a job working midnights at a convenience store right across the street from one of the most dangerous housing complexes in my town....my heart and head were ready though and I've always trusted those two things.

After slightly over a month of working at the convenience store and talking to her online, I saved up enough gas money to pay my friend to drive me down to the state she was living in. I had called her and let her know I was on my way. I did not reach her, only the secretary of the factory in which she worked. We made the nearly five hour journey, getting lost only once very briefly and arrived in the parking lot of the factory at which she worked. I stepped into the front office and the receptionist knew who I was immediately and called my soon to be wife's name over the intercom.

I will never forget the nervousness and fear I felt as I saw her step into the office and take one look at me, she covered her mouth and nose with her hands and then turn and ran. I thought "Oh no. She wasn't serious."

I will also never forget the joy and relief I felt when she rounded the corner, her day bag in hand and actually bounced toward me with the kind of smile that lights up the winter sky. So off we went to her mother's house to gather up her clothes and affects and then back to my run-down little shanty.

So comes my first mistake. You see I had promised to marry her immediately upon her arrival and while she was in no hurry, she had not intended to wait until April. My idea. You see, once the reality of it sat in I had so many doubts and it didn't help that some of my friends were muttering "Don't do it man."

Then came April and to the court house we went. That was also intense but it overall it is not relative to the tale so I will omit it, nothing more than wedding day jitters really. We said I do and so began the two and one half happiest years of my life. I worked long and hard and each day came home to a woman that loved me more than the sunshine and I her.

Now I should tell you, she had been previously married and had three amazing children from a previous marriage; she shared joint custody of the children who we were allowed to gather up every other weekend, holidays and for the whole of the summer. Of everything I miss about marriage...being a dad is the first. They would call me "Papa" and even gave me a "We love u dad" T-shirt with a big heart in place of the word love, they would craft gifts for me from their own two hands and no matter the gift I would always place it aside and save it for a day when I felt the world on my shoulders.

Then I got another job a job which required more than fifty hours a week...a job that left me feeling drained and lack luster. I can honestly tell you that's where the problems began. If I can go back and undo denying her sex (yes, I denied her sex) I would. I thought nothing of it. We would at one point have relations three times a day and it dwindled to once a day, then three times a week and eventually none.

I'm not saying its "All my fault." Because it's not but I am not here to point out her mistakes or shortcomings, I am here to point out mine and maybe, hopefully learn something from it; perhaps you as well will learn something from it.

After having been separated twice in a year and twice reconciling only to watch her twice to return to the arms of another man, I had an opportunity to discuss my perceived shortcomings with her. Despite having made changes to that affect, I was still unable to salvage my marriage and I guess that's the first lesson I can offer you here; The Heart wants what it wants. Once a woman has set her heart on another man, there is usually nothing you can do to unravel that affection, even if she once loved you more than life itself, a woman scorned is a woman scorned and that's all she wrote.

So anyway, we discussed my mistakes and failings and while we agreed they were not great or many, they were enough to plant the seeds of distress that blossomed into discord. Now the following of course is dependent upon her having told the truth concerning the rupture of our marriage and for my purposes here, I will assume that she did.

The first mistake: Attention Deficit

All of my single life I had busied myself with project of some sort, programming, writing, blogging, debating in forums, so needless to say after having worked for fifty hours a week, I went back to my old habits of busying myself with projects, so much so that if my wife needed my attention she would throw a shoe in my direction. She never felt that I was available to her.

The second mistake: Forgetting where we came from.

You remember that when she married me, I lacked a vehicle and I lived in one of the worst neighborhoods of my area, yet having seen all that she still chose to marry me, even after I delayed the wedding for nigh four months, she stayed with me and chose to be my bride. Yet, two years later I found myself wanting to give her "the better life", so I worked harder purchased a mobile home, a car and even a motorcycle. All of this served only to separate us due to my lack of availability. Even purchasing a mobile home was a mistake, she had grown up in mobile homes all of her life, I assured her it was far more fiscally responsible than renting an apartment (which is what she wanted) and she conceded. So with my own two hands I installed a brand new hot water heater, floors, door and piping.

The third mistake: Physical distancing.

This was probably the biggest. I was tired alot, physically at this time I was working for a local trucking company usually ten hours a day, it was physically demanding so when I got home sex was the furthest thing from my mind and despite the love I have for this woman, it seemed like a chore. So it was only months after this that the fighting began and finally she announced she was leaving. I had tried to rekindle our physical relationship but I suspect at this time her heart had been swayed to the other man and the damage was irreversible. Shortly after she announced she was leaving and a month later she informed me she had formed a relationship with the other feller.

Now my tell of woe does not end there, as I said we reconciled twice and both times failed, I was deceived by her both times, both times had been ploys which ended with her returning to him, I'm not angry in fact I am relieved. This final time the hooks on my heart were finally set loose and the healing began for me, my heart does not ache nearly as much as it once did.

There are a few things I did out of anguish after she first left me that I must warn you against. I quit my fifty hour a week job that I just didn't see the point in working anymore and loaded up my motorcycle (in the winter) and I and my friend rode out west, braving the cold for a thousand miles until my body refused to go any further. Once we managed to make it to Wyoming, I was hired into an IT position with a local company, it was during this time that my wife traveled via bus to be with me again. Now, I will not discuss with you the details of her visit or the true nature of the circumstances that led her to be there, but they were deceptive.

So when she left yet again, I to left my job and returned home, without a bike and without a house. My house had been lost in a fire in my absence along with most of my personal belongings. Even now I own only a car which lacks insurance and this computer. I tell you this not in any attempt to garner pity, but to warn you against making decisions' out of grief.

If your marriage has ended, try not to be angry at the other, remember that "love" is a bit like the flu and you can't be angry because someone is sick. Remember that the other was most likely your friend before they were your lover and try to salvage that friendship: I have.