Marriage Success Despite Stress

On a recent Saturday afternoon I had finished my sales appointments and I was looking forward to surprising my wife with a romantic idea. I walked in to the house and she was braiding the hair of our 15-year-old daughter who has oppositional defiance disorder as one of her many physical, emotional and mental disorders. A comb went through the hair, and then she screamed, then she snapped at my wife. Our behavior therapist was also at the house while I looked at the clock. It was getting close to 5pm and I was wanting to leave within an hour. The screaming continued and I thought I was going to lose my temper. But I settled down, waited and finally got a chance to tell my wife a little bit about my idea of the two of us going out to a little motel nearby for a few hours. But the last challenge was finding someone to watch our 15-year-old. Fortunately, our son - the healthy one - was available. We made it out and had a wonderful, memorable time. But if I had made the choice to sink in to anger, feel sorry for myself that my kids were chaotic, and I wasn't making the money I wanted to earn then the evening could have turned into a disaster. And so could our relationship.

I've been married for 19 years and during that time I've been in and out of work, seen my income rise and fall, and we've adopted and become guardians to six children - five of whom are emotionally damaged and mentally impaired. This year, we also became grandparents even though we're only in our mid-40s. I've been looking back at reasons we have stayed married when many couples in our situation could have fallen apart with the stress they face.

We Don't Criticize Each Other

The longer you're married, the more weaknesses you find with each other. There are times when I've teased her in small groups or public but I always find reasons to also laud her. I've never made much money so my lack of income would be an easy target for her, too.

We Pray Together

I won't go into all the theological reasons but during times when I've been tempted to get angry, think about the "fun" of having an affair or attempt so other devious plan I go back and realize how empty I'll feel when we sit down to pray. On the positive side, prayer keeps our communication open and allows us to support each other.

We See Each Other as Teammates

When we got married, we knew we would become foster parents and adopt even though we expected to have children by birth. By the time we were married two years, we were parents to two boys ages 1 ½ years and 4 years old. Our family was the "last chance" for each child who came in to our home. We recognize their deep level of need and how it takes both of us to help them.

We have Resources

During the past 17 years, our family psychologist has made an extraordinary commitment to calling and debriefing sometimes daily with my wife. He sees both of us on a regular basis as well as our kids weekly. He's a great example of someone who has put his faith into action to help us. He respects us and he often doesn't get fully reimbursed for his expertise.

We have recently had therapeutic behavior services through the LA County Department of Mental Health. Our recent workers poured their ideas and sought extensions of services. In addition, we've had supportive social workers and have had flexibility in our employment.

We have Understanding Friends and Family

I used to feel pressure from my wife's extended family since they were raising "perfect" children. I felt most awkward during the first few years we were married when we had trouble controlling the incredible hyperactivity of our oldest son who came in to our lives at age 4. But I learned to relax and the others learned to accept the behaviors. Today, one of my nieces is a great helper for our family.

I Talk to My Wife

It helps. A year ago, our 19-year-old was moving in and he was bringing all the issues and problems of a system he grew up in. We were his first family and we were rallying resources without being reimbursed. I would come home in between appointments and two or three people such as respite workers or system professionals would be sitting in our living room. Some were helpful, others were not. It meant Cindy and I had no time to talk, literally, for days on end. I felt distant from her and I seriously began thinking about the value of having an affair. But one day in November, she gave me a quick hug and said we need to stop and hug each other even if its for 6 seconds. I decided to stop complaining - about the kids, career, myself - and find solutions. I've even shared some of my "fantasies" with her and she's gone along with me! It's done wonders for our intimacy and our ability to continue handling the pressure as we help the kids enter the next stages of their lives.