Marriage: We Need Courage to Understand Each Other Better

For those who imagine that we can open ourselves to others quite easily, it will be astonishing to them if we affirmed that we need courage to achieve understanding.

Up to a certain point, yes we can, but not completely. Some jovial and sociable people flatter themselves that they are able easily to open up, but the truth is, it is but a superficial opening up. Actually, beneath their flow of words their deepest thoughts and feelings lie hidden, just as withdrawn people hide theirs by their silence. A complete unveiling of one's inner thoughts, an absolute necessity for real and deep understanding, demands a great deal of courage. I was listening for some time to a woman who was telling me about her husband; speaking about him, in fact, much more than about herself. "Really," I said to her, "you are afraid of your husband." Our contact was strong enough for her to answer me honestly, "Yes, I am afraid of my husband."

Let us not suppose for a moment that wives are alone in being afraid. Husbands too are afraid of their wives. Men are more proud than women and have greater difficulty in admitting their being afraid. This is one of the differences between men and women: women often display their fears quite openly while men hide theirs. A man will hide them, for example, by means of his explanations which save him from any personal commitment. He wants to have the last word always, and veils through his over-talking his fear of being contradicted. Perhaps the same end is achieved through a display of anger or, again, thorough obstinate silence.

What is this fear? I believe there are two parts of it. First, there is the fear of being judged, the fear of criticism. This is a universal fear, and far greater than we generally suppose. Moreover, it is from our wife, or our best friend, from the very people that we admire and love the most, that we fear critical judgment the most. This is precisely because their admiration and love mean so much to us.

Now, all of us judge ourselves. We well know that if we want to be completely honest and be seen as we really are, stripped of the attractive character which we are ceaselessly trying to play in life, we shall have to speak of things about which we are ashamed. It is, after all, those nearest to us who best know our weaknesses, who with full reason can reproach us for them. This is why so many couples play at hide-and-seek. They fear that conversation, by becoming more realms will open wounds to which they most sensitive, wounds made all the more painful because they are infected by one's closest partner.