Married Life - How to Make it Work

I am certainly not a marriage counselor, and I don't claim to be an expert on marriage. However, having just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary, (somewhat of a milestone these days), I couldn't help but look back and examine what has made our married life work.

In the past year alone, three of our close friends' marriages ended. One couple was married 11 years, the other 21 years, and the third couple, and closest to us, ended a marriage of 30 years. The third couple actually got married a month before us, and we were in each other's wedding party. This breakup unnerved us, but on closer inspection, and knowing my girlfriend, the wife in this marriage, some things began to come to light.

Marriage is about love, but it is also about hard work and sacrifice. It's about communicating all the time about what we like and don't like about our spouse or our home life. Sometimes it even means bickering, so that eventually each party realizes what ticks off the other. The husband of the thirty year marriage was a very quiet professional man. My girlfriend is generally outgoing but also a bit high strung. Two years ago, my girlfriend was told by her husband that he was trying to end a two year affair with another woman. My friend was in shock. She had no idea that he was having an affair, or that he was unhappy or what was making him unhappy. According to my friend, her husband tried to end the affair, but something kept drawing him back to the other woman. Last year, my friend's husband filed for divorce and left my friend's life in tatters. Now, in therapy, my girlfriend is beginning to see what might have happened to the marriage.

One thing I remember very distinctly about the beginning of our marriage was the wedding card and gift we received from my in-laws. My in-laws wrote us a little note that said that in order for us to be happy we had to be committed, communicate and compromise. I have remembered these three "c's" ever since I read the note.

My husband and I have had a somewhat unconventional marriage for most of our married life. We both started out as a working couple. Then, my husband changed jobs and was laid off a few years later. It was difficult for him to find a job match after this. I was growing in my career and working longer and longer hours. Eventually, various family situations came up, including issues with my aging father, and my husband began to help me out with this since he was home. Before long our roles reversed: I worked and he helped me at home. While I focused on my work, he took care of everything else. I looked forward to coming home to a home-cooked meal, and everything from the shopping, banking, laundry, etc. was taken care of. We enjoyed our time together and went on vacations and enjoyed our friends. We have had our disagreements and talked long and hard about issues. I got breast cancer and other illnesses and he supported me. He had sicknesses and I took care of him. We've had dark times and good times.

For those who may be starting out in a relationship, or who may be halfway through our years of marriage, or for those who have surpassed us, this is what I would recommend:

- Remember what brought you together and keep that in mind through the tough times
- Grow with each other; get interested in each other's interests, and share in your spouse's interest.
- Do little things regularly to show your spouse that you care.
- Don't think your marriage is over if you bicker or fight a lot. Take stock of each other's commitment and try to work it out
- Seek marriage counseling if things are not getting better
- Remember marriage has to be give and take; your spouse has needs and so do you.
- Above all: Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.