Mary Chesnut's Struggle Between Honoring Self and Abiding by the Rules of Social Etiquette

In private, watch your thoughts ; in your family, watch your temper ; in society, watch your tongue - Arthur Martine, Martine's Handbook of Civil War Etiquette.

I have always had a fascination with Civil War history. This is especially true involving the role of women in society. You could understand my excitement then, when I happened upon

The Private Mary Chesnut: The Unpublished War Diaries. While reading her diaries published over a century after they were written, I discovered there was much more to Mary Chesnut than a southern aristocrat who recorded nineteenth century history. Out of her writing emerges a complex woman who grappled with social conduct rules and restrictions. To better understand her struggle, I embarked on an investigation of etiquette handbooks. I felt the Capstone course would be a unique opportunity to integrate what I learned about etiquette with Chesnut's diaries. The intent of this paper therefore, is to explore Mary Chesnut's struggle between abiding, versus breaking free of the social conduct of her time. I will conduct a close examination of her diaries alongside one of the most well known conduct books of the antebellum era:

Martine's Handbook of Etiquette by Arthur Martine. I will focus on the specific chapters of "The Art of Conversation," "Visiting," and "Domestic Etiquette and Duty.

The Private Mary Chesnut: The Unpublished Diaries first published in 1984 by editors C. Vann Woodward and Elisabeth Muhlenfeld, reveals a dynamic and multifaceted woman. Mary Chesnut was born and married into a life of wealth. She was likewise predestined to a life of politics. Her father once governor of South Carolina was later appointed to the United States Senate. Her husband James Chesnut Jr. served as Senator of South Carolina preceding the war. These factors resulted in granting Chesnut a prominent position within society; but not without challenges. Chesnut was highly educated and childless, two variables that were considered uncommon for nineteenth century women. With a vibrant mind and no children to attend to, she developed a passion for rhetoric and politics. These circumstances set her apart from other women of her class. They also gave her cause to question her societal role.

At some moments in her diaries Chesnut appears confident in her unique social circumstances, "Oh, if I could put some of my reckless spirit into these discreet, cautious, lazy men," she wrote concerning the unwillingness of South Carolinian men to join battle (Woodward and Muhlenfeld xxi). Other moments her transgression from the norm seems to cause her discomfort. This was especially true concerning her inability to conceive children of her own. A fact her mother-in-law reminded her of, even when society didn't. On March 1, 1861 she wrote, "Mrs. Chesnut was bragging to me with exquisite taste - me a childless wretch, of her twenty seven grandchildren..." (Chesnut 44). Although Chesnut may not have literally considered herself a wretch, it's obvious the comment affected her. The same is true for the other ways in which Chesnut felt she underscored society's expectations of women. These are however, but a few instances that illustrate the importance that social conduct and etiquette had in Chesnut's life.

The significance of etiquette in the lives of women was not a new concept. Etiquette had established its place in the life of women long before Chesnut's time. The tradition of etiquette handbooks dates back to the sixteenth century. Books like

The Courtier outlined the art of chivalry, dictating the dos and don'ts of the time (Scott 15). By the nineteenth century etiquette books had evolved to focus on the importance of social conduct and duty. Thus, books like

Martine's Handbook

of Etiquette became widely read and practiced. Although there are no specific references to etiquette handbooks in her diaries, the concept is there. Woodward and Muhlenfeld note this in their introduction:

Unabashed, she recorded with obvious pleasure the compliments, praise, and flattery she received, the sensation she created at a party, her success as a hostess, the charm of her dress, her ability to monopolize the attention of an important guest...she especially enjoyed (and recorded) her triumphs as a conversationalist and raconteur and her skill at repartee - often discounting much of the attention she received, but seldom erasing or obliterating her record of it. (xi)

Her diary appears to be the only "safe" place where she could record such accomplishments and thoughts, regardless of how they applied or contradicted social etiquette. Here Chesnut did not heed Martine's warning of "watching your thoughts in private" (163). She did however, express traces of doubt and fear concerning moral punishment as a consequence of her subtle rebellion. Thus we begin to unveil the contradictions of Chesnut's identity of self through her writing. Sidonie Smith refers to these markers of the narrator in relation to social factors as the "autobiographical I" (58). Smith explains in further detail that the autobiographical "I" represents both the self-referential narrator and the context in which they write (58). These contexts are categorized into the historical, narrating, narrated, and ideological "I." In the case of Chesnut's writing, the "ideological I" is most prominent. This form of "I" represents the relationship between the writer to the history and culture available to them as they write (Smith 62). In Chesnut's diary the ideological "I" surfaces in her struggle between self and social constructs. Particularly in the portions of her writing where she grapples between what she considers unfair in her society with her moral obligations to it. We acquire a first glimpse of the ideological "I" while examining Chesnut's narrative battles with pride and self-sufficiency, two areas of conduct which Martine frowns upon in his discussion of etiquette.

The rules of etiquette containing pride and self-sufficiency can be found under the Chapter titled the "Art of Conversation," in

Martine's Handbook. This chapter is intended to round the reader in "pleasure and improvement" in their social endeavors. It is also designed to caution individuals on practicing certain unbecoming behaviors. Pride and self-sufficiency are placed at the top of this list. Martine has the following to say on the subject:

If you put on a proud carriage, people will want to know what there is in you to be proud of. And it is ten to one whether they value your accomplishments at the same rate as you. And the higher you aspire, they will be the more desirous to mortify you. (37)

Nothing is more nauseous than apparent self-sufficiency. For it shows the company two things, which are extremely disagreeable: that you have a high opinion of yourself, and that you have comparatively a mean opinion of them. (37)

Chesnut's complexities concerning pride and self-sufficiency in her social life surface in several areas of her writing. On September 17, 1861 she wrote:

I never forget our present danger on the coast. I see McQueen nominated for the next Congress - in paper from Cheraw proposing to keep the old set. I see a bad example in N.C., putting J. Davis & [ineligible name] in - in place of Clingman & Bragg. I sometimes fear I am so vain, so conceited - think myself so clever & my neighbours such geese that pride comes before a fall. I pray I may be spared. (156)

As it appears here and in several other diary entries, she exhibits pride in her political knowledge and opinion. Her last statement confirms her awareness that she is defying the rules of etiquette by asserting she knows more than her peers. As Woodward and Muhlenfeld point out however, it did not keep her from recording it, committing yet another prideful action. She demonstrates similar self-awareness in a passage discussing her self-sufficiency:

I have been busy all day reading old letters. What a meek, humble little thing I was - how badly JC has played his cards to let me develop into the self sufficient thing I am now. For I think this last bitter drop was for me. He will care very little - but I had grown insufferable with my arrogance. (214)

Similarly, in this passage Chesnut comprehends that self-sufficiency is a violation of proper etiquette. She also however, blames her imperfections on her husband, sighting his responsibility for her self-reliant nature. She expresses fear of repercussion not for just practicing, but also acknowledging the defect. Also notice that regardless of admitting to impropriety, she still savors a "last bitter drop" for herself. It appears throughout her diaries that Chesnut ended up paying a price for that "last bitter drop." At various times she experienced the "fall" from "insufferable arrogance," she expressed fear of. This was evident in her relationship with Varina Davis, wife of Confederacy President Jefferson Davis. Chesnut theorized in several diary entries that her strained relationship with Mrs. Davis was due to her prideful public behavior. Her assertions were confirmed in the July 5^, 1861 diary entry, when she paid a visit to an ailing member of her social group:

After breakfast, went into Mr. Lamar's room, found Mrs. Davis there & she talked two hours than ever. He begged me to stay when she left. I sat down & he began to tell me what she had said of me...He said what she disliked about me was that wherever I sat was the centre of a SC group. (91)

Following this entry Chesnut makes no further references of Mrs. Davis's objection to her confident public persona. In fact, Chesnut speaks fondly of Mrs. Davis in her remaining diary entries and mentions no further misgivings of her public ego. This presents reason to question if the "fall of pride" that strained such a prestigious relationship had cause to diminish her overall prideful behavior in society. Or perhaps it is the opposite; that she simply chose not to acknowledge fault in this particular situation. If anything we gain further insight into Chesnut's complexity, having to choose between who she wanted to be, versus whom she felt she should be in society.

The next distinct area of Chesnut's writing that reveals conflict with etiquette is in what Martine labels "Visiting." According to Martine: "Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feeling between the members of society ; they are required by the custom of the age in which we live, and must be carefully attended to" (113). This was a particularly crucial element of social conduct for Chesnut to fulfill. Her husband's political and military affiliation with the Confederacy obligated her to maintain close connection to many notable figures, including: Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson Davis, General Beauregard, and Mr. and Mrs. Joe Johnston. At first glance it appears that Chesnut exceeded the expectations of visiting etiquette standards. Literally every diary entry includes a visit to or from a member of her social circle. No small feat for a woman who was often afflicted with illness and forced to move about the country on an almost constant basis. Setting these factors aside, she reveled in her dedication to ceremonial visits. Chesnut's entry for April 2, 1861 highlights the lengths she went to fulfill her social duty:

Had a perfectly delightful visit to the Ingrahams. Mrs. Wm. Roper asking if I was little Mary Miller. Then to Isaac Hayne's, every body else from home. Finished my shopping. Came home, dined with Langdon Cheves. Judge Withers came back in a shocking humour. After dinner - John Withers & Mary. Dr. Gibbes & I sauced him. Then the frost girls - then Nannie Mazyck - then Sally Rutledge - then Tom Frost. (52)

Chesnut continued her devotion to social calls even when her husband was no longer a military aid to General Beauregard or elected as Confederacy Senator of South Carolina. She also maintained a strict regimen of visits during the chaotic periods of war, including her time of exile in North Carolina. It was this point in her life however, when enjoyment of ceremonial calls begins to diminish. It is evident in her 1865 diaries at the close of the war that she was less compelled to fulfill this duty. Partially due to the Confederacy's demise, in addition to her fatigued state, sadness steadily creeps into her recordings of visits. On May 10, 1865 she wrote:

Yesterday I called first on Mrs. WM. Taber - & Mrs. Bailey. They told Yankee raid anecdotes. There is a monotony in Yankee insolence & wickedness that makes me weary of repeating it. I found there Ellen Colcok - in a dying state. I was amused at the change in demeanor of Mrs. Tweed & Mrs. McEwen - even Robert Kennedy. I am no longer greeted with a thousand smiles - hat in hand. My day in Camden is over. The Yankee dynasty begins to reign. (240)

In this diary entry Chesnut expresses not only her distaste for the topic of conversation in her visit, but also notices a change in others reception of her. She ceased to record vindicated tales of ceremonial accomplishments. For the few remaining diary entries for 1865 Chesnut persisted in making routine calls. But with her husband out of politics combined with the Confederacy's loss, the pleasure she once experienced in her achievements in ceremonial visits was lost. Once again, the choice to continue practice of etiquette was due more out of routine and requirement then of want.

The last component of Martine's etiquette prevalent within Chesnut's writing lies within the domestic realm. In his chapter titled "Domestic Etiquette and Duties," Martine provides an outline for both husband and wife to follow. The rules for the husband focus on financial responsibility. Those duties designated for the wife mainly center on her devotion and servitude to her husband. He writes:

Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and never approve a mean action, nor speak an unrefined word; let all your conduct be such as an honorable and right-minded man may look for in his wife, and the mother of his children. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The lease want of refinement in conversations, or in the selection of books, lowers a woman, ay, and for ever! Follow these few simple precepts, and they shall prove to you of more worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will know what sorrow is. (147)

Mary Chesnut's struggle of living up to this standard of etiquette is perhaps the most obvious in her diaries. The temper that Martine warrants to watch in the family proved a difficult task for Chesnut. Woodward and Muhlenfeld explain that, "Especially she took malicious glee in the fuming and occasional explosions of her usually quiet and self-controlled husband" (xi). Chesnut clearly divulges the love and respect of her husband throughout her diary. Love and respect however, did not equate into subservience. Her complexity as a woman trapped between doing what is domestically acceptable, with the want of freedom of choice, prompted her domestic rebellion. If we refer back to her quote regarding self-sufficiency, we are reminded why Chesnut may have taken liberty in crossing Marine's domestic line. After all, according to Chesnut her outspoken, self-reliant nature was the fault of her husband and not her own.

Most often it was her tongue which caused her to violate domestic etiquette. One such example is a recording on May 9, 1865 of a conversation Chesnut had with her husband regarding property. Here "JC" as she often called him, does not take kindly to his wife's opinion regarding the loss of his property in Mulberry, South Carolina at the close of the war. An avid Confederate supporter, she frowned upon those who stayed at home to defend their property, rather than to go to fight for the south:

JC was so bitter last night. Said if he had come home a year ago & saved his property as

some did. I said he did right to lose it - he replied, "I won't go & dine with the ones who did it." "Yes because Uncle H is the only one I know who did so - but I think still, as you aided in bringing on this war - you were bound to sacrifice all & stick to it no matter where you were placed, no matter how unpleasant your position - for the poor conscripts had to stay in a worse place." He then said he had staid - & from his "own conviction of duty" - & not from my persuasion. Which is the honest truth - but he cannot forbear the gratification of taunting me with his ruin - for which I am no more responsible than the man in the moon. But it is a habit of all men to fancy that in some inscrutable way their wives are the cause of all the evil in their lives. (240)

Regardless of her clever attempt to vindicate her husband's property loss, her verbal passion for the Confederacy resulted in a negative outcome. Martine's suggestion of duplicity seemed to back-fire here. What Chesnut considered a truthful assessment of the situation transgressed to her over-extending herself in the discussion. As a consequence she became the cause for her husband's downfall. In her comment of, "being no more responsible than the man on the moon," she dismisses this consequence. Her suggestion that her husband was gratified of accusing her shows that she was affected by the comment nonetheless. Still, she does not seem surprised, stating that "all men" blame their wives for the "evil in their lives."

There were also times when Chesnut did take ownership for violating domestic rules. Her husband often scolded her for being overly flirtatious, another warning of Martine: "Never let your husband have cause to complain that you are more agreeable abroad than at home ; nor permit him to see in you an object of admiration, as respects your dress and manners, when in company..." (145). "Mr. C came home so enraged with my staying at home, he said to flirt with John Manning," she wrote on April 1, 1861 (Chesnut 50-51). A week later she recorded the repercussion that occurred as a result of her husband's accusation, "That husband scold made me melancholy last night. I feel that he is my all & I should go mad without him (Chesnut 56)." This last quote implies that Chesnut was aware that the penalty for disobeying the rules of domestic etiquette could be severe. Her assertion that she could end up without him was not an unrealistic one. After all, domestic etiquette was not only a written law, but also surfaced in the literature of her time.

A February 1862 issue of

Godey's Lady's Book and Magazine featured a story titled

, Incompatibility of Temper: A Story for Young Husbands and Wives, in which the protagonist Marie risks losing the affection of her husband for displaying a vile and self-righteous temperament both domestically and socially. Thus, the pattern revealed in Chesnut's diary entries reflects periods of defiance of domestic rules, followed (usually quickly) by remorse and misgivings for her rebellion.

In reviewing the exploration of Chesnut's diaries with the aid of Martine's

Handbook of Etiquette, we witness just how complex of a woman Mary Chesnut was. We may also be more apt to understand how difficult it was for her in private to watch her thoughts, in family to watch her temper, and in society to watch her tongue. The Civil War had changed the rules for women of Chesnut's social position. It had given them a greater chance at autonomy, yet the expectation to obey the rules of etiquette limited them from doing so. A stark reality that Chesnut was well aware of, once stating:

I think these times make all women feel their humiliation in the affairs of the world. With men it is on to the field - "glory, honour, praise, &c, power." Women can only stay at home - & every paper reminds us that women are to be violated - ravished & all manner of humiliation. How the daughters of Eve are punished (Woodward and Muhlenfeld 145).

Though she may never have realized or valued it, Chesnut was a progressive woman for her time. Her challenge of social conduct and etiquette, even if mostly on paper, exemplify early feminist thinking. We can also learn from Mary Chesnut to appreciate what it means to record our own lives. As a woman I see the importance that her diaries brought to the feminist progression in society, even if a century later. We never know what complexities of our own may shape the path of the future.

Works Cited

"Incompatibility of Temper: A Story For Young Husbands and Wives." Godey's Lady's Book and Magazine Feb. 1862: 64. Proquest. Kansas City, Midcontinent Public Lib. 8 Oct 2007 http://www. http://proquest.umi.com.proxy.mcpl.lib.mo.us.com.

Martine, Aruthur, comp. Civil War Era Etiquette: Martine's Handbook of Etiquette and The Art of Conversation. Fort Bragg: R.L. Shep, 1988.

Watson, Julia and Sidonie Smith. Reading Autobiography: A Guide for Interpreting Life Narratives. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press, 2001.

Woodward, C. Vann and Elisabeth Muhlenfeld. The Private Mary Chesnut: The Unpublished Civil War Diaries. New York: Oxford University Press, 1984.