Mary on Top of the Mountain

An earnest young woman named Mary climbed to the top of the highest mountain and called out to God. She received no answer. She raised her hands into the sky as high as she could and shouted in her loudest voice, "GOD! ARE YOU THERE?" At length came the reply:

"Oh, hey there, Mary. What can I do for you?"

Mary gasped and her hands covered her mouth. "Oh, God, is that you? I didn't think you would answer me."

"Sorry about that," God said. "I'm kinda busy up here. Lotta irons in the fire, ya know."

"Oh, of course," Mary said, "you must have billions of people talking to you every day."

"Please," God snorted, "try a couple quintillion. Once I got started, I just couldn't help myself. Now I've got more people in more places than I know what to do with."

"Then there are intelligent life forms on other planets?"

"Uhhh, yeah . . . You didn't think I created the entire universe just to give you guys down there on Earth something to contemplate, did you?"

"Actually, we've never been sure why . . ."

God sighed impatiently. "I'm sorry, Mary, but can I help you with anything specific? Like I said, I'm real busy here."

"Oh," Mary said, "of course. I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"Quite all right," God told her, rolling his hand in a get-to-the-point sort of way.

"Okay. Well. I was wondering if you could tell me why you allow people like George W. Bush to use you as a justification for doing evil things, like waging arbitrary wars or misleading the people."

God wrinkled his nose. "Who's George W. Bush?"

Mary was dumbfounded. "He's the President of the United States."

God gave no sign of recognition.

"Which is my country."

God shook his head. "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. I haven't really been paying attention lately." God looked past Mary down at the Earth. "Hey, what happened to that big library you all used to have in Alexandria?"

"That library was burned down centuries ago. Almost nothing survived."

"No shit? Damn, what is wrong with you people?"

"You really haven't been paying attention to Earth for that long?" Mary asked, incredulous.

"I'm doing the best I can, you know. I only turned away for a few minutes."

"How could you know my name but not know who the President of the United States is?"

"Well that's a stupid question," God said, "I'm looking right at you. Of course I know who you are."

"Because you created me?" Mary asked.

"Well . . ." God shrugged. "Indirectly. I do like that name, though. 'Mary.'"

"I know, it's all over the Bible."

God laughed. "That's nothin'. On the opposite side of your galaxy there's a planet where everyone is named Mary."

Mary's eyes widened. "Really? What's it called?"

"Skevulag. Anyway, what about this Bush guy?"

Mary reached into her knapsack. "Here, let me just show you." She pulled something out of one of the knapsack's outer pockets.

"What is that?" God asked.

"It's an iPod," Mary said, pushing its buttons with her thumbs. "You can listen to music and watch videos on it."

God peered at the tiny device in Mary's hand. "You watch things on that tiny little screen?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"That's the most ludicrous thing I have ever seen."

Mary looked up at God. "It's not ludicrous for us. We invented a thing called television while you weren't looking."

"I know what television is," God said, "they invented it on Klelvekkia seven million years ago. But what good does it do to carry a teeny tiny one around in your pocket all the time?"

Mary shrugged. "I don't know. For watching on the go, I guess."

"On the go in what sense? Driving? Shouldn't you be watching where you're going?"

"No, not while you're driving," Mary said. "But maybe while you're walking."

"You don't need to watch where you're going when you're walking?"

"Okay, fine," Mary said, "then how about when you're riding in a car and someone else is driving?"

"Why wouldn't you just talk to the other person?"

"I don't know!" Mary said, exasperated. "I'm sorry, I didn't invent the thing. But look, here's this video of George W. Bush I wanted to show you." Mary turned the iPod around so God could see the screen and held it up to him.

He waved her off disdainfully. "I don't need that thing. I can see George W. Bush right now," he said, looking over Mary's head into the distance.

"You can?" Mary asked. "What's he doing?"

God grimaced a little. "Oh, man, he's trying to chew on his toenails . . . he's got ahold of the foot with both hands."

Mary turned around and squinted into the distance, which she knew was a foolish thing to do, but she did it anyway. "He's chewing his toenails?"

God turned back to Mary. "Not anymore. One of the generals sitting next to him at the table just slapped his fingers away."

"He's always talking about how important his faith in you is," Mary told God, "and how he knows you're on his side and you wanted him to be President."

"Okay," God said, "so he's a self-deluded liar. What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Can't you do something?" Mary pleaded. "He's been responsible for tens of thousands of deaths in the last five years! Doesn't that matter to you?"

God grinned. "That's an odd question to ask me. From my perspective, no one ever dies."

"Okay, well, then haven't you noticed all the new people up there in Heaven lately?" asked Mary.

"Shit, Mary, there are so many new people up here every day that not even I can keep track of them. There are over 100 million dying on Uhmk every day. 'Course, they had eleven concurrent civilizations simultaneously invent gunpowder, so that's a special case. But still . . ."

"So you won't get involved?"

"It's not that I wouldn't," God said. "It's just that there are lots of other places that need my attention even more. I have a whole multitude of worlds to look after, and frankly, a few missteps aside, you all aren't doing too poorly down there. Just in the few minutes I've been talking with you, I've overheard at least six hundred people asking me why Elvis had to die. I mean, things must not be too bad."

"Elvis really isn't alive, then?" Mary asked.

God rolled his eyes. "I wish. The son of a bitch hasn't left me alone from the second he got up here. Always bothering me about something. And always while I'm eating. His favorite question is, 'You gonna finish that?'"

"Really? That sucks."

"Yeah." God looked to the side. "Well, speak of the devil . . ."

"What?" Mary asked. "Is it Elvis?"

"No," God said, turning back to her, "it's the devil. I'd better see what he wants. Give me two seconds, I'll be right back."

Mary waited for God all night and into the next morning. Finally, she gave up and walked back down the mountain.

Many years passed, and Mary grew to be an old woman. She married and had children. Her children had children of their own. Some time after that, her husband died. One day, Mary drove with her children to the cemetery to place a wreath of flowers over his grave. Back home in her empty house, after the children had left, Mary settled down on the sofa with a book.

"Mary," God said, "there you are. I've been looking all over for you."

Mary closed the book and looked up at God. "I thought I wouldn't be hearing from you again," she very calmly told him.

"Why didn't you wait for me on the mountain? I told you I'd be right back."

"I had to leave or I would have starved. Or frozen to death."

"Sorry about that," God said. "Anyway, is that Bush guy still giving you all trouble?"

Mary chuckled. "No, not anymore. He's up there with you. Someone assassinated him in 2007. Of course, none of the ones that came after him were much better, including this one we've got in there now." Mary sighed. Mary looked up at God and shrugged.

"Well," God said, "maybe I can affect some positive changes for you. Inspire better people to become leaders, things like that."

"That might be just the thing," Mary said.

"Okay, just - Oh, shit. Mary, I'm sorry. Hicklvin just declared war on Bilnabor - I've got to take care of this. I'll be right back, though, I promise," God said.

"Of course you will," Mary said, smiling faintly. She settled back into the sofa, opened her book, and began to read.