Masseuse Alleges Al Gore Grabbed, Groped, and Gripped Her Globes

Tipper Gore's probably thanking her lucky stars she's rid of Al Gore, after the narcissistic love affair with the producer of his global warming documentary film, "An Inconvenient Truth." Laurie David denies the affair with Gore and says their relationship was a simple meeting of great environmental minds. It impressed me enough to report the news/gossip/take your pick on Associated Content in an article titled "CEA Laurie David Denies Affair with CEA Al Gore" CEA means Celebrity Environmental Activist; I thought I was being clever or funny when I wrote that, but unfortunately I set my sense of humor adrift a long time ago. Along with my boat and my oars.

Anyway, the latest Al Gore tidbit, reported in The Daily Fix, is that a Portland masseuse was sexually assaulted in October of 2006 in a Portland hotel. Apparently, Gore wanted more than was on the menu, and pressed his case with the fervor of a failed presidential candidate. The woman, a 54 year old massage therapist, reported Gore's alleged sexual predation to police but police said they had insufficient evidence to further investigate Mr. Stone.

Who is Mr. Stone? Why, Al Gore, of course. Failed presidents and philandering husbands always register in hotels under phony names, and that's exactly what Al Gore did, according to the Daily Fix. I don't know if the woman's allegations are true or not but I tend to believe her; the story she tells is just too bizarre to be made up.

In an effort to distract Gore from his allegedly sexually motivated exertions, she chided him as being a "crazed sex poodle," the Daily Fix reports. You couldn't make that up, could you?

I don't want to think any further than I have to about the Gore-eek details; you could read the Daily Fix story for that. After all, this writing is Al-e-Gore-ical and completely alleged, but I do want to call your attention to the woman's description of Gore as sort of a liberal-fascist dictatorial type. Aren't most liberals so?

The woman described Gore as "rotund" (think roly-poly fat guy) and possessed of a "violent temper" and a "dictatorial commanding attitude" in stark contrast to Gore's "Mr. Smiley global-warming concern persona." With interpretive skills of that magnitude, the massage therapist is obviously under-employed.

There's much more cleverness and humor in the Daily Fix story than I could muster here, and you might want to read it yourself. Besides, I don't want to spoil the possible forthcoming movie.

Rumor is that Laurie David's ex-husband, the TV mogul, is pitching the script around Hollywood right now. The big obstacle that keeps popping up at script meetings is that, unlike Al Gore's fakey global warming schemes, sexual predation is a serious problem.