Mass-ive Deception
Just as George Costanza on Seinfeld put more work into avoiding work than he would actually work if he had a job, I did the same thing with church.
Parents: What time are you going to mass?
Me: What time are you going?
Parents: 10:30
Me: Oh, I'm going to the 9:00 one.
Parents: Actually, we might go to the 9:00.
Me: Oh, you know what, I think I'm going to the 5:30 one actually.
Obviously, I didn't have any problem with being with my parents. It was the church part. And when my parents said they were going to church...that meant that they were actually going to church.
When I was "going to church", that meant donuts, Slurpees, and roaming around contemplating my place in the universe. But mostly donuts and Slurpees.
But I'd always go by the church and pick up a church bulletin to give to my parents. This was a folded paper containing announcements, pronouncements, and advertisements. Pretty useless in it's own right, but golden for me. That was my "proof of attendance". Any doubts of my whereabouts during scheduled mass were washed away when I produced the bulletin. Of course, you had to play it cool - don't make a big deal out of to be too obvious. Just lay it down casually within their range of sight.
Now, normally this would probably an open-and-shut case for the parents. They always were on to any other misdeeds being perpetrated around the house. The few times that I or my siblings were busted skipping church were somehow viewed as isolated incidents. But I suppose what I had working for me was that they wanted to believe so badly. I'm going to have to remember this later in life when my daughter tells me she's going to the library with her boyfriend.
Published by Eric Hetvile
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3 Comments
Post a CommentI had a girlfriend that wanted to torment me with church. I went once, and was never asked again after I created a scene arguing with the minister about intelligent design. Good read.
Hilarious. We used "Guest priest" a lot, too, though were never bold enough to use a name like that. My daughter is actually into it. But she's also into Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and Miley Cyrus. It's too bad that only one of those are real, and it's also too bad which one it is.
Ah a lapsed Catholic like me! They used to ask who said mass and my sister and I would say a guest speaker, Father Dunkin. Guess where we were? Again, they so wanted to believe we went. I don't practice anymore, too disgusted. But if my daughter wants to, I tell her to go for it. I don't think she's gone for it in a while! Great read. I soooo indentified.