Mastering the Ancient Art of Karaoke

Sure, Karaoke is the source of many sitcom moments involving someone drinking too much at the office Christmas party and singing "I Touch Myself" to their boss while dancing seductively on the microphone stand. Sure, Karaoke is synonymous with poor judgment and regret. But done right, done in accordance with the Guiding Principles for Karaoke, you can ensure a night full of cheap entertainment, fun, laughter, and, most importantly, integrity...

Guiding Principles for Karaoke

Pick songs that don't require talent. Sure, you sound great in your car, but that doesn't mean you sound good over a microphone without Whitney singing along with you. While there may be a few people out there who can rock out Talent Search style, most of us can't. For those of you who can, even you should be cautious. Simon is right on this one ... song choice, song choice, song choice. You're not Christina. You're not Celine. You're not Prince. Pick something that is in a normal range and doesn't require years of coaching.

Pick songs that are upbeat and happy. No downers please. There is nothing worse than the person who gets up and sings some Tori Amos "Winter" right after some Salt n' Pepa "Lets Talk about Sex." Remember, people are out to have a good time. Don't bring everyone down with a bummer song about love, loss, and death. Sure, you might sound better with Norah Jones, but pick WHAM! anyways.

Pick songs that people know. Sing-a-longs are more fun than stare-a-longs. Getting the crowd into your performance has more to do with you looking good than you actually looking or sounding good. Remember, no one really cares what you are doing up there. The likelihood that you will "get discovered" at your local karaoke bar is probably not that good - though I am sure it has happened- so, use the time to have fun. Plus, you'll sound great because they are all comparing you to the drunken guy on the stool next to them.

Pick songs that don't require you to yell or scream. I know the rockers do it. They can. You can't. You might think it is just a yell or a scream, but it is a fine art. If you're not a professional, just don't do it. It doesn't sound good and it is annoying. Plus, those who own the equipment will be happy you aren't destroying anything.

Pick songs you know. OK, this seems like something you shouldn't have to say, but according to my last karaoke experience, I do. You need to know more than just the chorus. It is true that the words will light up on the TV screen before you, but if you don't know what is coming, you'll miss it. Know the song. Don't waste everyone's time and fun by just standing up there and occasionally singing "It wasn't me... It wasn't me... It wasn't me."

Pick songs that don't have any special emotional meaning. Do not profess your love, your distain, your apathy or any other feeling besides joy or drunken joy through karaoke. Though entertaining, the rest of the bar does not want to be part of the conversation where you tell your man he best stop cheatin'!

With the Guiding Prinicples of Karaoke in hand, take what I have taught (print it out if you need to) and go forth. Go into the world of fun and imagination. And above all other Guiding Principles, remember not to take yourself too seriously. For tonight, you are disco fever pusher! But remember, at 6 am tomorrow morning, you'll turn back into that teacher, that banker, or that mortgage broker.