Matthew's Heart

Ryan pulled the car up as close as he could. The morning mist was still settling in the valley and it was hard to see real well, but he got out of the car and walked around to the front. Leaning against the hood of the car, he just stood there and stared out at the openness in front of him. This was a long time in coming. He didn't know why he had waited so long, but he couldn't wait anymore. It wasn't right.

He walked back around to the front passenger seat. There it sat. Simple and unassuming, it was smooth and light grey in color. The tiny box had a simple photograph on the top. A cherubic, sweet face of a baby boy he had barely gotten to know.

Three years had passed since that day so long ago. Ryan and Catherine had held their new son for the first time. He was perfect in every way. A small tuft of dark hair, olive skin, and perfect little hands that grasped your finger.....just like he grasped Ryan's heart.

The heart.....they already knew before Matthew was born that his heart was not right. Through an ultrasound, they detected that Matthew had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This is a condition where the entire left side of the heart, including the aorta, is underdeveloped.

He was transferred immediately after birth to Loma Linda Medical center and put in the Neo Natal intensive care unit.

The doctors they saw told them there was only one option if they ever wanted to raise their son. He needed a heart transplant, and he needed one as soon as a donor heart became available. Without a heart transplant, Matthew would undoubtedly DIE.

What do you do when someone tells you your child will die if they do not have a serious medical intervention? Do you really have a choice? If you choose not to have it, does it mean you don't love your child? Does it mean you are bad parents?

Ryan and Catherine struggled daily with their decision. They watched Matthew turn paler, and weaker each day. Still they didn't put his name on the transplant list.

Family members and friends arrived throughout each day. They begged with Ryan and Catherine..."please please put Matthew's name on the transplant list!! He is going to die!! What is wrong with you??"

Feeling that it was God's plan for Matthew, they didn't want to put him through the pain of a surgery. Matthew was created the way God wanted him created and if it meant he wasn't to be in this earthly life for long, then so be it. It's God's Will...

Still, Ryan had self doubt. He loved this new little person. He didn't want him to die. Catherine didn't either, but she was unwilling to budge in her decision to not have the transplant. She didn't want her little son in pain. Didn't want him to live his entire life taking anti-rejection drugs, possibly having to face another heart transplant somewhere down the road.

Matthew was hanging by a thread of life, when Ryan and Catherine decided to give him a chance at life. They had bonded with their son and wanted him to live. His name was added to the transplant list....but it was not to be. Matthew passed away when he was three weeks old.

Would it have made a difference to put his name on the list immediately? Is it possible he would have passed away anyway, had a donor not been found in time?

Ryan and Catherine went home to an empty house, with nothing but a manila envelope containing a few items to remind them of Matthew. A few photographs, some clothing he wore, and a blanket. Taking them out periodically, Catherine would often smell the items...just trying to recapture a little bit of her son that was taken from her.

They had a memorial service for Matthew and life went on. But did it?

As the months passed, the death of their son took a toll on their marriage. The grief was enormous, and the guilt even stronger. Family members and friends turned their backs on them, feeling they should have given their tiny son a better chance as soon as he was born, especially since they knew ahead of time how ill their baby was going to be.

Catherine moved out of the house and filed for divorce. Ryan was just left with the memories of a marriage that had so much promise and of a son he only got to know in intensive care.

He lifted the little box out of the front seat. Ran his finger over the photo of the tiny boy with the little cap on his head. After apologizing to his son, he kissed the photograph.

The sun was now peeking through the mist, and as Ryan looked down into the valley he could see grass and trees. A truly beautiful place along this stretch of road leading up into the Sierras . He had brought Catherine to this spot before and they had marveled at how truly beautiful it looked.

He took the lid off the box, told Matthew he loved him and would never forget him, and then shook the ashes out into the vast, open valley.

What would you have done?