May 2007 Reality Check

May 2007 - I had a gut feeling that 2007 would be a peculiar year, loaded with assorted inanities and other events that are the result of increasing cultural brain damage. With 2007 living up to my misanthropic expectations, it is only proper to begin a series of monthly reality checks where we explore the strange nature of the passing month. And what better month to kick things off than the glorious spring-to-summer month of May? Presidential campaigns have clicked into fifth gear as the candidates jockey for primary success, celebrities have slipped in their fair share of proverbial doo-doo, and the War on Terror has given us more veterans to remember on the meat and beer filled Memorial Day weekend.

The 2008 Presidential Election has been shaping up to be one of the most entertaining and intriguing elections in the last decade. Maybe it is the hodgepodge of candidates, who all bring their own unique characteristics to the campaign trail. Nevertheless, many of the candidates have migrated to the always crucial state of New Hampshire for the early June debates (June 3^rd for the Democrats and June 5^th for the Republicans). With the Donkeys debating first, the party heavyweights (Clinton, Obama, Edwards) found themselves in New Hampshire warming up the citizens with their vision for a better America. But we all know that rub. The most interesting news regarding candidates comes with the fresh release of Al Gore's new book, The Assault on Reason.

While Gore has not officially announced his candidacy, as well as shot down any rumors of him doing so, a good chunk of people remain skeptical. Gore has worked in politics for most of his adult life, has been the Vice President, and nearly became the President in 2000, only to lose in one of America's most controversial Presidential defeats. Surely Gore understands how to become President as he was so close to doing so. With the success of his Global Warming warning film, Gore has gained further support, more so than during 2000.

The Democratic primary elections do not begin until January 2008 where only a few states will hold the elections. The remaining states will hold their primaries in February of 2008 on what is being dubbed, "Super-Duper Tuesday". Gore has been in the media spotlight ever since his Oscar win and with the release of his book, it is guaranteed that America will be seeing plenty of Gore in the coming months. With the primaries so far away, there is plenty of time for Gore to gather public support without dropping any real money campaigning. In fact, entering the election later will not only save money in the long run, but it will allow Gore to remain under the radar unlike the current candidates who are getting criticized for any slip up or blunder.

Moving onto to the celebrity side of things, Rosie O'Donnell, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan are among the most popularly searched celebs to make headlines in May. After failing to meet the requirements of her probation, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in a California jail. Of course this was unjust, unfair, unwarranted, and totally not "hot". Ms. Hilton cried her way to a reduced sentence of 23 days after her plea to California Governator, dropped dead as Arnold made it clear he had more important business to attend to-who knew the star of Pumping Iron would make such a damn good governor. Nevertheless, her slew of fans came to her side, saying she is undeserving of the jailhouse life. The frightening thing about this whole ordeal is the fact that there are people who care enough about Paris to spend their time protesting in her name. Such a person should undergo a surgical procedure that would prevent them from reproducing.

In the end the whole mess should send a message to the entire United States that probation is not something to take seriously. I mean, come on; who has ever been dumb enough to use their own piss for their monthly drug test? And if they were brave enough to submit their own urine, they surely would have purchased one of the many beverages meant to flush their system clean of any drugs that would result in a probation violation. Sure, you are wondering, "Isn't the point of probation meant to stop a person from using drugs?" Of course not, the point of probation is to make using drugs harder by having to piss in a cup every month, with jail time being given if that test happens to come back dirty. But Paris felt as if her piss, due to its quality as a result of her social status, could not possibly fail one of these tests made for society's vermin. Oh well, to jail she goes.

And if the justice system is determined to make an example of rich people, Lindsay Lohan will be entering her own probationary period due to her most recent DWI car accident, which she fled the scene of. Apparently, celebrity arrogance is at an all time high in this year of inanities and demogorgonious behavior. Another fine example of this comes from the beast-like creature known as Rosie O'Donnell. For the past few months she has been spouting crazed nonsense about the Bush Administration's role in the September 11^th attacks, how US troops are the same as terrorists, and other fine bits of conspiracy theorist jibber jabber. Her most recent public display of mind crippling nonsense came during an episode of the View.

Why O'Donnell was hired to co-host the show is beyond the grasp of any rational person, but after the argument between Rosie and Elisabeth Hasselback, O'Donnell prematurely quit the View and posted a video blog on her website. A video where O'Donnell appeared in stereotypical dyke form, drinking a cheap domestic beer while her partner sat by sipping wine with absolute class. The best thing to come from this seemingly routine, Rosie debacle was the declaration of war on Rosie from Bill O'Reilly and Donald Trump. Seriously, with reality television starting to scrap for ideas and UFC growing in popularity, I think it is time to get another celebrity fight-based show going again. Not only will this provide hours of entertainment, but it will clear the airwaves for more important bits of news. I understand that an O'Reilly/Trump declaration of war on Rosie is vital to the betterment of all mankind, but it will be do more good on a 7-8 timeslot with an octagon and Big John McCarthy as the referee-just saying.

May has been filled with other smaller events, but based on the media coverage of the above, it appears that such events were not nearly as important. Certainly, the highest troop death toll since January 2005 or increasing violence in the Gaza strip is not something that America wants to hear about. Especially when the wholesome Paris Hilton is trying to avoid a measly jail sentence; or when Rosie is being a confrontational, Lesbian conspiracy theorist quack; or when Linsday Lohan crashes into a curb in her Mercedes and is found to be in possession of a useable amount of cocaine; or when George Bush gives the same speech regarding the War on Terror as the one before that and the one before that and....Ah May 2007, you are truly a month to be memorialized.