McDonald's: Where's the Beef?

Like millions of other people out there reading this, my days are filled to overflowing with tasks that need to be done. Juggling work, kids, stuff around the house, and a wife isn't always easy. Sometimes with all the crisscrossing schedules it's almost impossible to sit down together as a family and eat a meal. When life gets too busy and the wife and I get too lazy, we sometimes all pile into the minivan and head out to a restaurant for a quick feed. On one particular night we decided not to go the expensive route, but to instead shoot for cheap and quick. And nothing says this better than good old McDonald's.

Now we all know that McDonald's is no five star restaurant and believe me, my family has only the most humble expectations when we dine there. That said, you'd think that there'd be no way of being disappointed. And although that's a nice little theory, the particular McDonald's we ate at more than proved it was headed by a clown.

First off, we entered through a set of glass doors that were covered with more fingerprints than a New York crime scene. We all shuffled up to the counter being careful not to tread through the giant lake of spilled soft drink on the floor. Was that gum I stepped in? Anyway we waited for the girl behind the counter to explain just about every item on the menu to an elderly man twice before he finally ordered his cup of coffee. Then we stepped up ourselves. Now I'm no style guru or anything and have had the fashion police called on me once or twice, but is it really necessary to pin a McDonald's cap way up on top of a nest of hair that's at least two feet high? "Monique" had more hair than Bigfoot with enough curls to make Chewbacca jealous.

"Shouldn't that be in a hairnet?" my wife asked me. I assured her that there wasn't enough netting in all the world to contain a rampant beehive like that. But I digress.

We ordered our food which was no easy task with all the bickering and arguing over who was getting what. The bride of Frankenstein wasn't in the mood for any clowning around either so with a stoneyfaced stare, she acknowledged our order and took my cash as though I did something wrong. We slid to the side and waited. Minutes ticked by. We waited and waited and waited. I guess time is not an issue at McDonald's or else nobody wears a watch, regardless somewhere along the line Ronald took the fast out of fast food. I'm going to write Mayor McCheese about that.

Eventually the crew members did do their jobs and our food was heaved onto a flimsy tray with as much care as a fish thrower at a Boston market. And of course, as soon as I tried to pick it up the weight of the mega drinks acted like a fat kid on a seesaw and launched my outweighed onion rings into orbit. They came to rest in that sea of pop on the floor, looking like little floating life rafts.

We were given replacements by the manager and we quickly found a booth near a window with a great view of a homeless guy. He was cleaning off his bicyle with coffee and a handful of napkins. He pressed his nose against the glass and licked his lips as we looked on in horror. Why did we sit there you ask? You see, that particular booth was not actually the one we wanted. It was just the one that had the least amount of crap to wipe off of it. I don't know who was sitting there before us but they had to be either circus performers or impressionistic painters because the table looked like an artists palette and there was ketchup on the ceiling!

Anyway, we tried our best to get through the rest of the meal without incident but it just wasn't in the cards. Some little kid came running though the isles and tripped over his own feet. The cup he was holding flew out of his hand and landed on our table. The lid popped off allowing its contents to cascade over the edge of the table and onto my pants. Too bad they weren't made of Formica like everything else at McDonald's. Oh well.

I went to the restroom to dry off only to find the trash can overflowing with paper towels and the mirror over the sink covered with, how can I put this delicately, boogers. I won't even mention what was floating in the toilet. When I walked out of there I felt dirtier than when I went in. Needless to say they were all ready to leave when I got back.

Overall, the place was dirty, the service was poor, and the food took too long to get. I know you may think that I'm being harsh, but McDonald's is supposed to be a fast food place. Trust me, the fastest thing in there was us leaving.