Me. You. Us: Roles We Play in Relationships

Lately, I've been thinking about the "You, Me and Us" aspects of a relationship. There are two separate individuals with their own ideas, beliefs, feelings, goals and needs and then there is the union of those two, and what the union provides to each person.

Me.
The "me" part of the equation is something that's easy to forget. Especially in the early stages of a relationship where emotions are particularly high and each person is very interested in getting to know the other person, and probably trying to impress them. In the past, I've struggled with holding onto "me" in my relationships. I would do everything possible to be who the man wanted me to be and I would come to depend on the man for happiness and for validation of my self-worth. When someone else is showering you with love and telling you how wonderful you are, why do the hard work of trying to self-validate? Being true to myself while I am in a relationship and sticking to my beliefs is something I strive to do. I strive to remember all of the things I love about myself, regardless of whether or not my partner my partner is making me feel loveable.

I've been extremely independent since I graduated college. As a child and teenager, I envisioned myself meeting my future husband while in college and getting married right after. But I've had six years to live alone, support myself, and form a strong sense of identity outside of any relationship. It's been difficult at times (because I really do want to feel loved by someone else), but it's forced me to learn things about myself I wouldn't have otherwise learned. And it's given me an incredible amount of strength. Now that I am in a relationship, I need to remember that preserving this sense of self is extremely important. I will not sacrifice it for the benefit of the relationship. My boyfriend is also trying to maintain his self of self, and is well-aware of the trap we could fall into of being co-dependent. When both "me's" are intact-- that's a sign of a healthy relationship.

You.
Another challenge we often face in relationships is to see the other person as an individual, outside of what he/she is providing in the relaitonship. To respect that person's ideas, beliefs, goals, etc., without always thinking about how they affect you. In fact, the very things that you love about someone can be at odds with what they are able to provide to you. For example, take someone who is very career-minded and works 70-hour weeks. You love this person and admire their work ethic. You think it's great that they have made this choice to get ahead with their career. However, working 70-hour weeks is obviously going to interfere with the amount of time the person can spend with you. When I think about the type of person I admire and respect on a purely "you" basis, I look for someone who is confident, genuine, open-minded, non-judgemental, nice, deep, sensitive and motivated. These are the qualities that attract me to another person, purely on the basis of who they are, and not what they can offer me.

Us.
The "Us" is where the beliefs and needs of both the "me" and "you" merge. For a relationship to be healthy, they should merge nicely together, with the expectation that sometimes there will be conflict. For example, my boyfriend's belief that carrying a cell phone is a distraction to the real "living of life" and being in the moment is something I admire. I admire that he takes the time to "smell the roses" and appreciate his surroundings. But it conflicts with my need to be able to get in touch with him easily.

It's these moments where the concept of compromise and sacrifice are so important. How important is it to get all of your needs met and have the perfect "us" when you are really in love with the "you"? Or, vice versa. What if you have the perfect relationship where the other person is giving you exactly what you want and meeting all of your needs in the relationship, but you don't necessarily love the person that he is. Put more simply, it's like finding the most wonderful perfect man, but he's not able to give you the type of relationship you want: a good "you" but a bad "us". Or being in a relationship where all of your needs are being met and you are treated really well, but not really feeling a love for that person: a good "us" but a bad "you".

Is one of these more important than the other? In my experience, I have not ever found both. Which is why I am still single. There have been men who have treated me really well, but who I ultimately didn't connect with. And there have been men who I really loved and admired, but wouldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted.

The "us" is something that can always be worked on and changed and developed through communication and compromise. The "me" and the "you" are something that I don't think should be compromised. So, the real challenge is how we make sacrifices and compromises for the sake of "us" (because we love the "you") without fundamentally sacrificing either individual's core being.