Medi Weight Loss Clinics Journal

In February this year I started a program my sister had heard about that a doctor in Florida had recommended for weight loss.

I had gone back to Weight Watchers but to no avail so I decided to try this one, Medi Weight Loss Clinics.

Below is a journal I started keeping right after I began the medical doctor-supervised program. So far I've lost 29 pounds but still have a long way to go.

Here is my 90 day journey of a new weight loss so far:

2-18-10: First day. I signed up for Medi Weight Loss after failing at Weight Watchers again. It seems like a lot but we'll see. They stuck me four times and couldn't get blood because my veins are so bad.

2-19-10: Second day of Medi Weight Loss. Walked 30 minutes. Not by choice. Had one diet A & W Root Beer which I've had before. Again not by choice.

2-20-10: Third day. Headaches from caffeine withdrawal. Walked one hour. Hot and cold. Skipped breakfast. Again, not by choice.

2-21-10: Fourth day. This is hard. Read an article yesterday about Carnie Wilson gaining all her weight back after gastro surgery. Bought a Coke Zero yesterday which I've had many times in the past. Nothing like real Coke though. Starving, starving, starving. Yet, my daughter never has an appetite.

2-22-10: Day 5. I feel light-headed because all I had for lunch was popcorn, two beef sticks, a few pieces of cheese, some cashews, and for dinner rice, soup, water. Not by choice, because I didn't get paid today like I was supposed to. So now I can't get enough to eat no matter what I do. And I didn't exercise today.

2-23-10: Got really sick last night and today. Not sick at my stomach but just felt faint and generally bad. Walked my dog and that was good. I heard Kirstie Alley has a new show about her weight again. I'm still not drinking water like I should. Bought some cantaloupe and ate half of it. Didn't snack in the kitchen at night for the first time in years. That's a huge deal for me.

2-24-10: My dog got sick so my whole day was thrown off but I made it to my clnic appointment and they told me I lost two lbs. but that I still needed to say goodbye to bread and pasta for now. They told me I didn't need to introduce fruit into my diet till next week. But they said I was doing good. My doctor will be on vacation from the clinic next week but she introduced me to her P.A. who will be filling in. He seems nice. Surprisingly I don't have Diabetes but I'm still anemic according to my bloodwork that the clinic just got back.

2-25-10: Got groceries yesterday and bought lots of protein but no pasta or rice. It was hard not to buy a rotisserie chicken like I do weekly but since the ones at the grocery store I get food at makes my blood sugar crash the dr. said to avoid them (the clinic dr.). The store must inject the chicken with something because I don't have that reaction with other store's rotiesserie chickens. On schedule with my meds and eating and measuring meat for the first time in my life. I'm allowed four ounces per meal. It's more than you would think it would be. Once I measured it I was very surprised because it didn't seem like it would be much at all.

2-26-10: Appetite suppressant doesn't seem to be working but I think it's cause I'm anemic. But I'm not giving into the hunger and it's not like I'm ravenous like I usually am, just hungry. Had hamburger for lunch, no bread, tilapia for dinner. Skipped breakfast which I wasn't going to do but went back to bed then by the time I got up it was lunch time. Plus I'm preoccupied with taking care of my sick dog.

2-28-10: Why does this have to be so hard? I had four pieces of bread, popcorn, two breaded mushrooms. Not supposed to eat any of that. But these cravings..... I guess that's what it is. It has to be. Now I've got to figure out a solution for that. The appetite suppressant doesn't seem to want to work. Haven't been able to exercise since my dog is sick and I have had to take care of him round the clock. However, when I'm taking care of him I don't think about eating. Last night a friend of mine wanted to have Italian but I couldn't because I can't have bread or pasta right now. I did have a hamburger for dinner and didn't eat the bread. That's progress for me.
3-1-10: Caved in and had pasta for dinner and a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast. But for lunch I had boiled chicken. Got my weekly injection. They asked how the diet was going. I said not good. My dog is getting better, though.

3-2-10: Ate bread with lunch because I forgot not to. It's hard to retrain your brain. But at dinner I was going to consciously eat it and didn't, so go figure. I go back to the clinic tomorrow and they're probably going to tear me a new one for eating bread and having pasta last night but it was all I had and had no money to buy anything. I don't think they at the clinic get it. I would eat right all the time if I had the money to do it. And, oh yeah, I had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast as usual though not supposed to have bread. And last night I had popcorn which I'm sure is not allowed. But I was so hungry.

3-3-10: I lost 4 lbs.! Have no idea how except for the appetite suppressant. I was shocked, to say the least. I got the right foods today for groceries so I'm not eating crap any more. Tired. I ate roast beef without the bread for lunch though I was going to eat the bread even though I'm not supposed to. Carnie Wilson was back on Dr. Oz's show. The nurse at the clinic said she was proud of me. Turns out I don't need to buy a bunch of fruit after all, just a lot of protein.

3-4-10: Well, the appetite suppressant is working again, thank God. Still tired though but I think it's cause I had a stressful day. I don't think I bought enough food. I dreamed about swiss cheese. I wonder how so many people don't have a problem with food or even think about it, they just eat right. Weight Watchers sent me a postcard in the mail saying "We miss seeing you."

3-5-10: Starving. Walked the dog but he fell over three times so I don't know about this. Had strawberries for breakfast (no protein which is not good), four eggs for lunch but didn't take the yellow out like I was supposed to, and boiled skinless, boneless chicken with water chestnuts for dinner but since I didn't get enough protein I need more.

3-6-10: Cheated and had four pieces of bread but walked 45 minutes. Justifying things, I know. Had scrambled eggs for breakfast, four pieces of Canadian bacon for lunch, and a turkey burger with beets and asparagus for dinner. Still not drinking enough water though. Was thinking if I exercise daily then when I weigh in weekly they won't know I cheated because I'll have burned off the calories, right? Yeah, I know, I'm rationalizing, trying to find a loophole. Starving.

3-7-10: I dream about food all the time. I dreamed last night I opened a locker and a bunch of food fell out. I dream about cheese, chocolate, that I have food when I don't. I dream about money then wake up all disappointed that I don't have any of this. I dream I have toilet paper when I'm really out and have no money to buy any. I ate too much chicken at dinner but I was starving. Now I'm boiling eggs cause I'm still hungry. Starving. I ran out of my appetite suppressant but will get more tomorrow, thank God.

3-8-10: Got my injection and more Stay Slim Appetite Suppressant. Was so tired all day. Had two boiled eggs for breakfast and two for lunch then a protein drink for dinner. Dog's sick again. I dreamed about food again and that I had money. Almost got sick at my stomach last night. Almost thought about going vegetarian. That's a first, now. Didn't get to walk the dog since he was sick and it rained all day. The nurse asked at the clinic if I was able to go shopping and I said yes, after I realized she meant food and not clothes. It'll be a long time before I'm able to get new clothes.

3-9-10: Was up and down all night starving. Had no breakfast, a turkey burger for lunch, and four eggs for dinner. Got some money so was able to get more Coke Zero plus the burgers, Thank God! In the middle of the night I had 2 ½ c. broccoli and later a cup of spinach, or 1 1/2 c. But I had hardly eaten anything in the last 24 hours, that's why I was so hungry. I'm guessing. I've been thinking about starving myself again like I did when I was 14 but I don't know. I'm wondering how I'm going to do on vacation.

3-10-10: Skipped breakfast again. Had a turkey burger for lunch, no bread, four eggs for dinner. Walked my dog. Vet said not to walk him far because of his condition. Already went through the Coke Zero, of course. I can go through a liter a day. I can picture myself skinny again now, whereas I haven't been able to up till now. Didn't get much sleep last night because I had too much caffeine.

3-11-10: Can't remember if I had breakfast or not, so probably not. Had a turkey burger for lunch again, no bread. Almost bought bread today but didn't. Didn't get to walk the dog cause I was too tired. I keep waking up in cold sweats. Had four pieces of ham and cheese for dinner, two yogurts, two more pieces of cheese, four cheesesticks at the store as usual. Got food. Couldn't get much but will be able to get more Monday. Bought more Coke Zero. Saw my therapist. She said I looked like I lost some weight. Will see tomorrow when I go back to the clinic and get weighed at 10.

3-12-10: I lost 3 lbs, a total of 9 so far. I was really disappointed and was hoping I'd lost more than three. They said whatever I'm doing, to keep doing it. They don't know I cheated a few times. I need to walk more. I took my dog walking downtown and tried to participate in this contest but was turned down because of my weight. That really got to me, depressed me. Should've never left the house. I debated going and should've gone with my first instinct. Had ham and cheese for breakfast, salmon for lunch, and boiled chicken for dinner.

3-13-10: Had ham and cheese for lunch, hamburger with no bread for dinner though I almost caved in and ate the bread; carrots later, like 1 a.m. because I was starving. Walked the dog 45 minutes. Drank more water only cause I didn't have the money for Coke Zero. Started feeling sick late last night because I didn't gete enough sleep and was hungry. Earlier I had unsweetened tea with Splenda.

3-14-10: Had three eggs for lunch but didn't take the yellow out ahead of time again. Hungry. Time for another appetite suppressant. It's 2:15. Daylight savings started last night so losing an hour of sleep though I like this time of year because I can walk the dog later in the day. Got a Coke Zero in the can. Spent my last dollar.

3-15-10: Had turkey, ham, and cheese sandwich but ate the bread. I was starving. Had a Boca burger with Parmesan for lunch. Dog saw the vet and he said not to walk him far. Didn't get much sleep last night. Got my B12 monthly shot from dr., had pet sitting, then by the time I got done with almost everything that was four hours so I went back to bed. But every time I got up I was still tired so kept laying back down. Still have this cold. Almost gave in and got a Dr. Pepper but didn't. Had my Coke Zero instead. I feel like I look a tiny bit different in the face from just losing some weight but it's probably just my imagination since I haven't lost much.
3-16-10: Had no breakfast unless you count collard greens in the middle of the night cause I was starving. Just realized I didn't take my second appetite suppressant and am starving now. Had salmon for lunch. Had trouble falling asleep last night.

3-17-10: I'm starving and it's 2 a.m. What's new? I had a Boca burger at 2 a.m., plus greens and salmon at 12 a.m. because I was starving then, too. Had trouble falling asleep. I may get to see my little girl today. I haven't seen her since December. Plus I have a research study 8-12. For dinner last night I had a hamburger but ate the bread. I'm tired of starving all the time. Thought about walking the dog yesterday but it rained most of the day. Was going to do it later but was too tired.

3-18-10: I cheated on my diet yesterday at lunch with my boss cause I was stressed. That's just an excuse. But we walked dogs and I climbed some stairs so maybe I walked it off. I hope. I had two Dr. Peppers for the first time in awhile. I didn't take my appetite suppressants on time because we were busy with visits plus I had a research study. I didn't get to eat lunch till 4 and dinner till 10. I hadn't exercised that hard in awhile. My boss eats candy and ice cream but he's active and 6 feet tall and thin. Hard to believe he used to be 300 lbs. He says he has a client who's 400 lbs. and we both said we don't know how people stand it that big. I said I don't know how they don't have a heart attack and die and he said eventually they do and that they don't live past their 50s. Today is a month ago that I started Medi Weight Loss.

3-19-10: I cheated and had bread at lunch. I walked a lot today and climbed a couple of flights of stairs. I have an apptointment at the weight loss clnic this a.m. and will find out if I lost any weight. I exercised a lot this week. My boss and I talked about his experience with weight loss. My allergies are driving me nuts and I still have a cold. Finally saw "Precious" and cried. For dinner I had roast beef and cheese. Later I had more cheese and blackberries.

3-20-10: First day of spring and it snows. I almost binged on ice cream last night and almost did it so with a candy bar today. Felt like just blowing my diet. I did buy some Weight Watchers new ice cream which I had two bars of. Had a bigger piece of fish than I should've. Still have a cold. Skipped breakfast. Had hamburger for lunch, probably bigger than it should've been. I have cravings for the food I can't have. It sucks. I miss pizza,
chocolate, ice cream. Haagen-Daazs has a new flavor. They're killing me. Usually every time they come out with a new flavor if I have the money I buy it.

3-21-10: Blew my diet big time cause I'm depressed. Tried not to give in to it but I did. Had twice the amount of protein I was supposed to have and I've already eaten half a box of Weight Watchers ice cream bars starting last night. Still so tired. It was so cold today and still is. Still have this cold and run down. Applied for jobs all day online. Very discouraging. Had four eggs for breakfast, hamburger with no bun for lunch, and six boneless, skinless chicken breasts for dinner, not to mention those ice cream bars.

3-22-10: I keep eating these Weight Watcher ice cream bars like candy. There are only two left in the box. I walked the dog today. I had no breakfast, hamburger with no bread for lunch. Didn't sleep much. Tried to find a pet sitter for my trip. Still have this cold. Had nightmares.

3-23-10: My friend who's such a great cook she should be a chef and who gives me food sometimes, gave me homemade gingerbread, bread, rice, apples, bananas, beef stew. I walked my dog again but found out he has cataracts. I blew my diet again. Dreamed Ruben was still alive. Dreamed about food. Had nightmares. Had nothing for breakfast, four eggs for lunch (scrambled), nothing yet for dinner and it's almost 10 at night but I haven't been hungry because I ate almost all but one piece of that gingerbread. That's why I can't buy that stuff. I'll eat the whole thing. Planned menus with one of the techs at the weight loss clinic today per my sister. My sister's happy I lost 10 lbs. but she doesn't know I've been cheating on my diet.

3-24-10: Walked my dog again but found out he definitely has cataracts. Now I feel bad. We only walked 25 mins. fast because it started raining. I skipped breakfast, had tabouli for lunch (a no-no), and a veggie burger with no bread for dinner. In between I had two bananas, an apple, 17 grapes (the count allowed), 2 pieces of bread. My sister knows now that I cheated on my diet and is not happy.

3-25-10: I walked my dog today 35 mins. and he did great, not falling or anything. Skipped breakfast, had ham and cheese, no bread for lunch, and at 9:30 p.m. just now getting hungry for dinner. Course I also finished the pack of cheese, too like I always do. Just too addicted to it, plus I had four cheesesticks at the store like I do when I get groceries which I bought today. Stressed out over money. Saw my therapist. Almost bought some Haagen-Dazs but didn't. Dying to try that new flavor Midnight Cookies and Cream.

3-26-10: I lost 3 ½ lbs. Can't believe it. Thought for sure I gained. I think the only thing that saved me was walking my dog since I cheated on my diet. I had turkey for breakfast, hamburger, no bread for lunch and dinner. I walked my dog 50 mins. Plus I took some flights of stairs since my boss and I had to meet with a client. Then I cleaned house vigorously for awhile. Hope I burned off some calories there. I still want to try that Haagen Daazs new flavor though. The doctor at the clinic said I'm doing better than average, which shocked me. Had to turn the channel tonight when a show was going to start doing a pizza making contest. It's just too hard to watch that since I miss pizza.

3-27-10: Skipped breakfast, had four eggs for lunch, boiled chicken for dinner, one slice of cheese, walked 50 mins. plus took several flights of stairs and cleaned house like crazy. Wonder how many calories I burned. Still not done cleaning. My legs are killing me.

3-28-10: Skipped breakfast, had a can of tuna for lunch, four eggs for dinner, then later two pieces of chicken with a little dressing, and some yogurt. Was still hungry after dinner so my friend brought me some food. Walked dog 1 hour plus took the stairs at my pet sitting job which about killed me. Had a Coke, two Hershey kisses, and four Fig Newtons. I was starving. This was all before dinner.

3-29-10: Had a piece of chicken for breakfast. Hadn't had lunch yet. Made tea with Splenda. Thank God for Splenda, though it's expensive. Was up and down all night. Dreamed about money I don't have, as usual.

3-30-10: Arrived in FL for my birthday for six days. Didn't eat lunch till 5 then my sister took me out for seafood. Had rock shrimp and a salad. There was a boat named Miss Terri outside our window at the harbor. Later melted butter from shrimp didn't agree with my stomach since I don't eat butter really any more. Wound up waking up every two hours starving. Had an apple and four cheese sticks, half a tangelo.

3-31-10: My 44th birthday and the first year with no birthday cake, I'm pretty sure. Had two boiled eggs for breakfast with V8, yogurt and strawberries later, two scallop skewers and a salad for lunch and my sister had the waitress put a candle in the scallops, which was cute. Dinner was Thai food with no rice. I kept staring at my sister's bread during lunch. I was like a shark. I wanted it and I was circling it in my mind. Had a spring roll at dinner but no dessert though I wanted some badly and still do. Also wanted my sister's brown rice which she didn't eat much of but couldn't have that either. Now I'm starving. They've gone to bed so will probably sneak some cheese. Got bummed out about not being able to have birthday cake cause of my weight program. My sister offered me tangelos or a fat-free fudgsicle but I said no thanks. She offered me yogurt with strawberries again and I turned that down, too. I just want some real dessert. Now I'm depressed. I feel deprived. I heard her mention chocolate syrup to her girlfriend which about killed me.

4-1-10: We went with my mom and stepdad to a state park yesterday and I exercised twice. My sister is going out of her way to help me with my weight and Lori tried to get some pie for me. I ate a couple of jellybeans at Lori's mom's and that dish of Three Musketeers on the counter was driving me crazy. This sucks. It's like quitting drinking. I'm starving. I don't think my sister understands.

4-2-10: Still starving and today was way worse. My step dad ordered a bunch of fried oysters and I almost stole one when no one was looking. Drove me nuts. Still driving me nuts. Mom made me an omelet for breakfast and we ate out for lunch. I had to turn down all the sides because none of them were healthy. On the way home I told my sister I didn't know why I couldn't have just one piece of cake. I feel deprived. Had an orange tonight I couldn't peel. My sister said, "Oh Jeez" when I said I was always starving. I told her I couldn't help it. Didn't exercise today although in the morning I'm supposed to go with her to a spinning class. We stopped at a produce stand and they were selling boiled peanuts. I wanted them but not as bad as the oysters. I'm plotting buying that new flavor of Haagen Daazs when I get home. I can't stand not trying it.

4-3-10: Had a boiled egg for breakfast and a protein shake. Worked out with my sister in her spinning class. Had to pace myself. Had a late lunch. Between the class, stairs and walking around a festival, plus joining in a staged pillow fight at a park, I got my exercise. For lunch I had a gyro, no bread, tabouli, and hummus. Had chicken, spinach, and salad for dinner with a handful of blueberries.

4-4-10: Had yogurt for breakfast, turkey and two oranges for lunch, pork steak, salad, and turnips for dinner, and a smoothie for dessert. Had four cheese sticks in between and more smoked turkey. Am so starving cause I ran out of my appetite suppressant. Walked on the beach with my sister.

4-5-10: Blew my diet tonight at dinner. Had a Lean Cuisine and that Haagen Daazs flavor I've been dying to try since last month. Walking around the airport was my exercise. Back from vacation. Had yogurt and strawberries for breakfast, string cheese for snack, a pork chop and turnips for lunch. Worn out and going to bed now. Not done unpacking but will finish tomorrow.

4-6-10: Had four cheese sticks for breakfast late, got my weekly injection, more Stay Slim, had hamburger, no bread for lunch, cheese on side. Walked my dog 45 mins. Had blackberries for snack, and more cheese then salmon for dinner. Didn't tell the clinic I cheated on my diet last night. They think I'm going to have a good Friday this week when I come in for my appointment. Have to exercise like hell till then and hope I lose weight.

4-7-10: Walked the dog 40 minutes today and 45 yesterday. Skipped breakfast and had a hamburger, no bread for lunch, snacked on 17 grapes (allowed), had salmon and beets for dinner. Still starving. Polished off the Laughing Cow Cheese but still hungry. Stayed up too late. Got a bunch of research studies coming up this month and next so fitting in exercise will be hard but I have to do it somehow. My sister's girlfriend asked if I had a scale and I said no. She offered to let me use theirs my last day there but I didn't want to know my weight.

4-8-10: Saw my therapist. She empathizes with my struggle with my weight. I told her about my vacation and my cravings. Skipped breakfast, had ham for lunch, walked the dog 40 minutes, had a pork chop for dinner with asparagus but later had extra pieces of ham because I was starving. Had a horrible nightmare about my dad. Tomorrow night is the annual Relay for Life I always go to so I'll get my exercise there walking around as usual.

4-9-10: I blew my diet again. Holly made me a birthday cake and I had two pieces. It was so good. I'm supposed to get weighed today at the clinic. What a sugar rush! Wrote down the one piece of cake in my tracker but not the second. Any exercise that might have helped me with the scale today is null and void now. My mind is still trying to rationalize that I can eat what I want as long as I exercise like hell but I know that's just a cop out, looking for a loophole as is my norm. There was a horribly anorexic guy on "Dr Oz" last night but he wouldn't go to treatment. Dr. Oz told him he was going to die.

4-10-10: I got weighed at the clinic and I lost 4 ½ lbs. Can't believe it considering I cheated on red velvet cake last night and today. I took Ripley to Relay for Life in Fort Worth and walked around so we got our exercise in. Skipped breakfast unless you count 17 grapes allowed, had pork chop for lunch, and egg beaters (2) for dinner. Had a sugar crash from the cake and felt really sick. Was worn out all day from the sugar. So my total weight lost so far is now 17 ½ lbs.

4-11-10: One more piece of that cake left. I walked the dog 30 mins., had ham and cheese for breakfast, no bread, turkey and cheese for lunch, and two chicken thighs for dinner though I wound up eating two boiled ones later and am still starving. Plus I had a piece of cake again. Tomorrow I get my monthly B12 shot from my doctor. I have appts. every day this week.

4-12-10: I walked for an hour today. Finished the cake. Got my B12 shot from the doctor and will get my injection at the clinic tomorrow plus will see my new psychiatrist for the first time and ask him to put me on something that won't make me gain weight. Had turkey for breakfast, salmon for lunch, and snapper for dinner, with some cheese in between. Have been eating 17 grapes per day since that's the limit per day. When the clock strikes midnight I have them. Am I a bit obsessed? Why, yes, of course. I must've come out of the womb obsessed with food. Meanwhile I found out about some free feeding tube supplies for my daughter who won't eat.

4-13-10: Had Ovaltine for breakfast with skim milk. Walked 40 mins. Had eggs for lunch but not till 5. Had my 17 grapes. Felt kind of sick last night. Saw the new psychiatrist and he's putting me back on Depakote but wants me to wean off the Cymbalta. He said the dose of Depakote is so low I shouldn't gain weight but if I do to let him know. I explained to him I was in a weight loss program. Still haven't eaten dinner and it's almost 10 p.m. Tomorrow I have my weekly appt. with the clinic doctor at the weight loss clinic. I hope I walked all that cake off that I ate for the last several days.

4-14-10: I lost 2 lbs., that's a total of 19 now. I walked 45 mins. Had four eggs for breakfast, black beans for lunch.

4-15-10: Didn't get to exercise today cause I had a research study. Had two pieces of Canadian bacon for breakfst, four eggs for lunch, and a turkey burger, no bread for dinner. Almost cheated with cookies at the research study but didn't. Almost bought dessert tonight but didn't. My boss has the flu. Was worn out when I got home even though it was only a half day research study. Still have this cold. Now I have to start my 30 min. exercise routine over tomorrow for a week then go back to 45 mins. to build up again.

4-16-10: Walked Ripley 30 mins. Had chicken biscuit for breakfast (cheated), had lean turkey and cheese for lunch, salmon for dinner, plus cheese in between. Almost bought dessert but didn't. Still over 200 lbs. Still have a cold and run down.

4-17-10: Had turkey for breakfast, chicken noodle soup for lunch cause I have a cold, cheated with a chocolate cupcake cappuchino because of the cold again, and had Chinese for dinner though I didn't cheat at the buffet like last time. Then later was still hungry so had two more pieces of turkey and a can of beets. Almost cheated at the Chinese buffet with Jon but didn't but didn't get to walk my dog today because it rained all day. Was miserable with this cold all day and tonight. Today is the nine-year anniversary of McKenna's adoption finalization in court. Was watching the movie "Julie and Julia" and had to turn the channel when they showed chocolate cake.

4-18-10: Blew my diet on grocery store samples and dinner. Didn't get to walk the dog again today because it continued to rain and I'm still sick with this cold. Mom told me about something called Exercise TV. Had shaved turkey for breakfast, a pork chop for lunch, and a burrito for dinner.

4-19-10: Still got this cold. Walked the dog 45 minutes. Had a pork chop for breakfast, hamburger, no bread for lunch, and a four-ounce steak for dinner with two servings of salad. Almost didn't exercise. Had nightmares about my weight. Watched some of Kirstie Alley's new show again about her weight.

4-20-10: Blew my diet with two bowls of organic ice cream. Walked the dog 30 mins. Saw my therapist. Had a four-ounce steak for lunch, my 17 grapes although I think I had too many, and a hamburger, no bread for dinner. Was starving later, thus the ice cream. My boss gave me some turkey burgers he didn't want.

4-21-10: Lost 2 lbs. more for a total of 21. Was surprised given the two bowls of organic ice cream last night and this a.m. Walked 35 mins. Had ice cream for breakfast, turkey burger, no bread for lunch, four cheesesticks, four watermelon cubes, turkey and cheese for dinner. Got groceries. Didn't get much sleep. Talked to the doctor about cravings at the weight loss clinic.

4-22-10: Just found out my family doctor took a job in Chicago and is leaving. I ate six servings of sugar-free pudding. Got an encouragement card from my sister. Still have this cold. Had turkey for breakfast and pudding for a snack. Didn't get much sleep. Have a research study this afternoon. Dread it but I need the money. The weight loss doctor told me I'd always have to battle cravings.

4-23-10: Walked Ripley 45 mins. at the Benbrook Relay as usual. Wore me out. Blew my diet at lunch with Chinese with Margaret, then had a hot dog at the relay though I had eaten dinner because my blood sugar was crashing. Then came home and had two salads. Had four eggs for breakfast and was still starving then. Almost stopped on the way home from the relay and got ice cream but didn't. Didn't get to get my regular injection this week because I was too tired today.

4-24-10: Did some lifting today so I'm counting that as exercise for the day. Had four eggs for breakfast, pet sat, ran errands, tried to talk to my Weight Watcher friend who doesn't agree with the program I'm in but she doesn't battle physical food cravings like I do. I dreamed about food. Had a turkey pork chop for lunch, four pineapple cubes, two tangelos (too much fruit), then cheated at dinner and had leftover Chinese from my friend. Starving now at 8:30 at night.

4-25-10: Had four eggs for breakfast, salmon for lunch. Had weird dreams. Tonight's birthday night but I doubt I'll go because of all the desserts. I need to bring a dessert but I'll probably just drop something off that I don't like, which is a trick I learned a long time ago. Going to the grocery store last night was like going into a bar. So many temptations but I didn't give in.

4-26-10: Skipped breakfast, was starving all day, had fish for lunch, artichoke hearts, carrots, alfalfa sprouts, bean sprouts, steak for dinner. Walked Ripley 30-40 minutes. Didn't get much sleep last night. Still have this cold. Today's my dad's birthday. He would've been 76. Some guy at a bus stop tried to talk to me about his coke and heroin addiction while I was walking Ripley. I didn't go to birthday night. Too many desserts. I dropped off some cheap donuts for it that I wasn't tempted to eat. I knew if I bought them they wouldn't tempt me. Course now I'm craving something sweet. Wish I could get that part of my brain removed.

4-27-10: Skipped breakfast, had leftover steak for lunch, beans for a snack cause I was still hungry, chocolate milk last night, but skim, non-fat milk, chicken for dinner but too much, walked my dog 30 minutes. Lost 2 lbs. more for a total of 23 now. But worn out. These college kids around here partying make me feel so old. Talked to my sister in Florida and gave her an update on my weight. Wish it didn't take so long. It's like watching paint dry.

4-28-10: Skipped breakfast, had an early lunch of a smoothie (1 ½ glasses), fish for dinner, some cheese later cause I got weak. Didn't get in my exercise today cause I had a research study though I thought about it. The studies always wipe me out. I just couldn't do it. Feel like I'm coming down with something. Didn't get enough sleep either. Cheated with a cookie. Feel so weak and fluish.

4-29-10: Skipped breakfast, had a Slim Fast bar for lunch, and Arby's sandwich (no bread) for dinner with four cheese sticks later. Walked 40 mins. with Ripley. Got my injection and got asked how the diet was going. I lied and said good. Saw my therapist. She has a new understanding she said for the torture I'm going through. Ironically in the middle of the night while researching the cause of McKenna's food aversion I found out the Effexor I took while pregnant caused her problem. I've been thinking about that all day.

4-30-10: Skipped breakfast, had turkey and cheese for lunch, two sugar-free puddings. Got groceries. Found out the statute of limitations for an Effexor case for McKenna is two years so she doesn't qualify for a lawsuit since it's passed. Dreamed about food again as I often do. Didn't get much sleep.

5-1-10: Had turkey for breakfast and lunch. Last night I walked Ripley 30 mins. Ate four sugar-free puddings. My stomach was kinda messed up last night. I spiraled into a deep depression last night. My friend Holly had a hysterectomy yesterday. Finished off the puddings. Ate too much cheese. Finished that off, too. Was debating taking Ripley to this dog fest but not sure.

5-2-10: Walked Ripley 30 mins. yesterday. Had turkey for breakfast, roast beef for lunch and am still hungry. Haven't exercised yet today. Went to a buffet with Jon last night and ate too much though I skipped a lot of bad foods and dessert. I had already eaten dinner but was still hungry. Didn't get much sleep. Holly won't be going home till tomorrow. Wound up not taking Ripley to the dog fest.

5-3-10: Walked Ripley 30 mins at low speed. But I was still tired. Had turkey for breakfast, roast beef for lunch, and salad, and something else for dinner that I can't remember now. Had watermelon, 1 c. as I have been since Fri. for snack, among other things. I wanted dessert badly last night and when I visited Holly in the hospital yesterday there was a commercial for fancy cakes that about killed me. Didn't get much sleep again. Holly goes home today. Today feels like Sunday for some reason. Ate two of my three allotted vegetables for the day. Still hungry though.

5-4-10: Lost 2 more lbs. for a total of 25 now. Had Canadian bacon
for breakfast, beef tips for lunch. Didn't get much sleep. Allergies driving me nuts. Wound up eating another vegetable late last night cause I was starving and I hadn't gotten my allotted veggies in. They told me to drink more water. I'm retaining water. Probably those three regular sodas I cheated with that they don't know about.

5-5-10: Had four eggs for breakfast and was still starving. Saw my therapist. I've been letting her read my food journal a page at a time every week. Had turkey and cheese for lunch and two Clementines, plus more cheese later. Walked 30 mins. in 90 degrees. Had beef tips for dinner and more cheese. A cold front's coming in. That's 80 degrees for Texas. Been depressed about Mother's Day but that's normal.

5-6-10: Blew my diet with ice cream. Ben & Jerry's had another new flavor, Milk & Cookies. Dammit. Had turkey for breakfast, fish for lunch, and pork loin for dinner. Was still hungry after dinner. Eating too many Clementines. Had nightmares. Didn't get much sleep. Walked Ripley 30 mins. Have to start my 45 min. exercise routine over tomorrow. Worked at a research study for one hour so I reset my hair appt. Didn't get to make it to the clinic to get my injection so will go tomorrow. Been really screwy about Mother's Day as usual every year.

5-7-10: Had peas for breakfast, blew my diet at lunch with a burger, fries, and Dr. Pepper with a friend, had pork loin for dinner with beets, two Clementines in between. Walked 45 mins. Didn't get much sleep last night and had nightmares. Got my injection at the clinic. Ripley and I are back to our 45 min. exercise routine again although today he acted kind of disoriented in the morning way before our walk. I hated to leave him to go have lunch with my friend. It's like déjà vu all over again from a year ago when he had his first seizure.

5-8-10: Had Ovaltine with non-fat skim milk for breakfast, fish for lunch with two salads, and having a burger for dinner, no bread. Walked 45 mins. today. Ripley and I are back to our 45 min. routine although I think he's going deaf now. Today is Birth Mom's Day. Didn't get much sleep.

5-9-10: Mother's Day. Always hard for me. Skipped breakfast, had a hamburger for lunch, then blew my diet at dinner with Jon eating out with a steak, two helpings of mashed potatoes, a Dr. Pepper, mozzarella sticks. Walked 45 minutes. Still have this cold. Didn't have a good Mother's Day. Glad it's over. A new litter of kittens was born here, the second Mother's Day this has happened.

5-10-10: Skipped breakfast, had salmon for lunch and having chicken for dinner. Walked 35 minutes. Didn't get much sleep. Still have this cold after 2 ½ months. Got my B12 shot at my family dr. and reset the appointment to fill out paperwork for the group for next Monday Was just too tired. It's extremely windy but very hot. My eyes are swollen from allergies. I think the litter of kittens died. I'm so behind on everything.

5-11-10: Had two eggs for breakfast, a smoothie for lunch, and two turkey burgers, no bread for dinner. Got my injection. Saw my new psychiatrist and he switched me to Abilify which he says won't make me gain weight and will give me energy, thank God. Walked Ripley 45 mins. Didn't get much sleep and felt sick last night. Had a really bad headache earlier. Not eating enough vegetables. Too lazy and depressed.

5-12-10: Skipped breakfast, had turkey and cheese, cheese sticks for lunch, cherries (12 allowed) for snack, and salmon for dinner. Got groceries. Will run out of food again like last week because I needed cat food again. My exercise today was wrestling with an ottoman (sectional) I found, getting it in the door; etc. It barely fit in my trunk or my front door. Lost 2 more lbs. 27 lbs. lost now. Started taking my Abilify today. It did give me energy but still tired.

5-13-10: Had turkey for breakfast, four eggs for lunch, and a hamburger, no bread for dinner with two salads. Was so tempted to try a new Nestle ice cream on a stick flavor tonight that I saw for the first time but didn't. Walked Ripley 45 minutes. Didn't feel like it. Saw my therapist. She says I seem a little more confident and that I used to look haggard and complain all the time. Holly said she can tell my stomach's flatter. I noticed in a window that I don't look like I'm carrying twins now but I have a long way to go.

5-14-10: Had four eggs for breakfast, hamburger, no bread for lunch, didn't get to take my second appetite suppressant till 5 or 6 cause I was getting my hair done. Had chicken for dinner and blew my diet with a brownie for dessert. Didn't exercise cause I was too worn out after sitting in a salon chair for four hours then having to run two errands. Still have this cold. It poured rain for four hours. Starving. Had nightmares. Found out Medicare won't cover my Abilify till my dr. calls in pre-authorization and says why I have to take it. Otherwise the cash price is over $500.00.

5-15-10: Had four eggs for breakfast, salmon for lunch, and trout for dinner. Had cheese and fat-free pudding for snacks. Walked 30 mins. I swear these Abilify samples are making me tired. They're supposed to give you energy but the doctor said there is one person he knew of that it made tired. Well, I must be the second one. Lucky me. Didn't get much sleep. Am still so behind on everything. Had a nightmare again that I was at Gladney which I dream every month or so. Had two crackers which I'm not supposed to have.

5-16-10: Had four eggs for breakfast, trout for lunch, and two pop-tarts for snack, only cause they were free, but that's no excuse. Haven't had dinner yet and it's after 7 but not hungry. I walked 40 minutes plus did some lifting. Tired. Still dream about food.

5-17-10: Had Pop-tart for breakfast, trout for lunch, and beef tips for dinner. Thought of suicide today. Haven't exercised yet cause it's storming outside. Met with the Delayed Trauma Group therapist to get into the group which starts the 25th for six months. I really liked her. She almost made me cry a couple of times. Abilify doesn't seem to be working. Didn't get much sleep. Plus nightmares as usual. Looking forward to this group. Hope I can stick with it.

5-18-10: Had boiled eggs for breakfast, tuna fish for lunch, and black beans for dinner. Starving. Walked 30 minutes with Ripley. Didn't get much sleep. Still trying to resolve the Abilify problem with pre-authorization. Got depressed today. No gas money. Getting low on gas. Supposed to get food tomorrow and have an appointment with the weight loss clinic.

5-19-10: Skipped breakfast, had chicken and cheese for lunch, and two yogurts with cherries for snack. Lost 2 lbs. for a total of 29. Didn't get much sleep. That Abilify keeps me up. Was almost 5 by the time I got to sleep. Walked 30 minutes slowly cause my stomach's upset. Had nightmares but then a great dream about McKenna and the beach so the nightmare was worth it. They told me to drink more water at the clinic and that I can't have pineapples or bananas.

5-20-10: Had chicken for breakfast, no bread, the rest of the cherries, late lunch of a hamburger, no bread, fish and salad for dinner. Walked 30 mins. Had a research study at the last minute. Didn't get much sleep. The research coordinator and another volunteer said I looked like I lost weight. One of the doctors said you could tell I exercise. No one has ever said that to me before. Had an ice cream bar.

5-21-10: A couple of days ago I was at 90 days in this program. Had four eggs for breakfast, 2 yogurts, hamburger, no bread for lunch, having chicken for dinner. Had one cookie at the store. Walked 45 minutes. My foot is killing me. Didn't get much sleep. Am off the Celexa as of a couple of days ago.

5-22-10: No breakfast unless you count two bowls of salad in the middle of the night cause I was starving. Had a can of tuna for lunch, no bread, and four eggs for dinner. Walked 45 minutes. My friend's mom died today suddenly, unexpectedly. Didn't get much sleep. I need to get my heel x-rayed.

5-23-10: Blew my diet. Had four boiled eggs for breakfast, Milky Way dark chocolate bar for lunch, and quarter pounder with cheese for dinner. Plus had a cookie, two King Dons, a bag of Sun Chips for snack. Worked with a pet photographer for eight hours today. Left the house at 10:30 a.m. and didn't get home till after 11 cause I got lost twice. Didn't get much sleep. My foot is killing me. Have to elevate it. Oh, my exercise was unloading and loading the photographer's SUV with her.

5-24-10: Had 2 yogurts for breakfast, turkey for lunch, no bread, and turkey burger for dinner, no bread. Walked 45 minutes. Got depressed. Didn't get enough sleep. Nightmares, too. Had one cookie in the store. I have bags under my eyes. The Delayed Trauma group has moved to another week from tomorrow.

5-25-10: Had four eggs for breakfast, turkey burger, no bread for lunch, and haven't gotten hungry for dinner yet. Walked an hour. Almost got my foot x-rayed. Can hardly walk on it but can't stop exercising. Today one of my great nephews graduated from kindergarten and it's one of my stepbrothers birthdays. I've known the latter since he was 14. He's 49 today. Didn't get much sleep again. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to have a heart attack with all this anger.