Meditation: 12 Hours After the End of the World

It's the morning after Doomsday and I'm sitting here, enduring the Hangover of the Gods, while wondering if I drank myself into oblivion and missed the "Rapture of the Saints" and others of God's Elect Few, a.k.a the "Taliban Christians." Since the televangelists are still begging for money while spouting nonsense about God, Jesus, and a few other people that seem to have also missed the Big Show, I must assume that the Father and the Son didn't make it onto the Rapture A-list either.

Now you might be tempted to think, as was I, that the Reverend Harold Camping and his merry band of intellectual basket-cases would be a very tough act to follow. If so then you, like me, would be as wrong as the misguided souls that brought us Heaven's Gate and Jonestown . I therefore submit, for your amusement and edification, the wikiHow ("The how to manual that you can edit") entry for " How to Observe a UFO ."

This engaging article begins with a scenario which, I'm sure, is familiar to all of us:

"You are driving alone when you spot a bizarre light or a strange flying object nearby. (By) following these tips, and using a handy camera, you can record the Unidentified Flying Object experience to share with others."

Rather than subject you to the silliness expressed in this article, I will provide you with only its highlights as well as some explanatory observations.

1. Find an area that can conceal you from direct observation by the alien craft.

Never mind the fact that a race of extraterrestrials might, for some reason, actually want to observe a few humans in their natural habitat. Since it is most unlikely that our civilization would have anything to offer these visitors other than amusement, it would be unwise to appear antisocial. I must also question this piece of advice on the grounds that it seems to violate Murphy's First Law of Combat: "If you can see the enemy, then chances are that the enemy can see you."

2. Bring out the binoculars and note any and all details, such as insignia, lights, windows, etc., and occupants of the craft.

As you make your observations, be sure to look for insignia such as a Star of David or the Compass and Square of Freemasonry and/or the Illuminati, since everyone knows that UFOs are really tools of the Great International Zionist Conspiracy and their Quislings down at the Lodge Hall.

3. Use a Geiger counter, if available, to check area radiation readings. If possible, get a background reading at a nearby location to compare the two readings.

Aside from the essential tools that no self-respecting UFO observer would leave home without (e.g. a tinfoil hat, a camera, and binoculars), a Geiger Counter is an important adjunct to anyone's alien landing craft observation kit. Also, since a Geiger Counter is considered an essential tool among both professional and amateur UFO investigators, merely possessing such a device can serve as your "identity badge" and will set you apart from the mundane gawkers and the curious that will inevitably flock to the scene of a reported UFO sighting.

4. Note the size of the UFO by comparing it with surrounding objects.

As you may already know, there are no two UFO reports that agree on the estimated size of the spacecraft. This can work to your advantage by allowing free use of varying degrees of "literary license" or, as it is better known, "exaggeration." Do not, however, succumb to the temptation to make your report so spectacular that it becomes incredulous at the same time. As an example, reporting a UFO the size of Rhode Island has landed in your driveway will not be well-received even if you have a larger than average front yard.

After the above sections, this article goes on to give several helpful suggestions regarding the appropriate protocols to follow when dealing with both the occupants of a UFO as well as the earthbound civilian authorities, such as:

Do not try to seek contact with the alien occupants unless you are willing to risk -- abduction.

DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT attempt to contact the beings that are actually driving the UFO around the backwaters of the Universe. Believe it or not, there is actually something akin to an "international agreement" on how to respond to requests from Marvin the Martian or Mr. Klattu to "take me to your leader:" such responsibility would fall to the United Nations! (If you don't believe me, check out "UN 'to appoint space ambassador to greet alien visitors'" or this video clip from cable television's National Geographic Channel). Given the U.N.'s dismal record in fulfilling its charter mission of ensuring world peace, it would seem that the wisdom of such a policy is certainly questionable.

Unfortunately, for reasons of ignorance or willful action, there will always be a few well-meaning people who will disregard the above advice. Such individuals will surely benefit from the materials presented in Professor Solomon's Flying Saucer Travel Tips: How to Optimize Your Ride in a UFO (Baltimore: Top Hat Press, 1998).

Get more witnesses if possible.

Since finding others to that will be willing to corroborate your observations will be difficult at best, make every effort to find those that are more likely to be receptive to your report than will the community at large. Such kindred souls, usually identified by the medical term paranoid schizophrenic, can most easily be found in or near your local plasma center, homeless shelter, Salvation Army center, or outpatient mental health clinic.

Contact a UFO and/or a paranormal investigator, but be aware that you will be thoroughly investigated to rule out a hoax. The investigation will also try to prove that is something mundane and not paranormal.

Although you may not like to admit it, there are people whose job is to skeptically investigate such nonsense as reported UFO, ghost, Big Foot, and Loch Ness Monster sighting. Since the same investigators would be out of a job as soon as any paranormal event was deemed to be true, it is in the investigator's best economic interest to declare your historic contact with ET to be nothing more than a case of mistaken identity or an outright hoax. Thus, you should expect to be laughed at for possessing the observational and deductive skills of a second grader.

Some UFO incident witnesses have reported that "Men In Black" have contacted them once a report was filed or discussed.

Since, like UFOs, there are no independently-confirmed sightings of the dreaded "Men In Black," it would seem that you would have much more to fear should you be visited by the infamous "Men With Butterfly Nets In White Coats" after you file your UFO report.

Reporting a UFO experience may cause personal ridicule by others.

Well, what did you think their reaction would be? Even if others might actually believe that you saw Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese cavorting nude in this year's Gay Pride parade, reporting a UFO sighting does tend to stretch credibility.

And then, finally, a true Pearl of Wisdom that should be heeded by all readers:

IF you smoke, use drugs, drink, QUIT DOING THAT, since this will affect your credibility .

Even if you adopt the above suggestions with something akin to religious fervor, all your efforts to become the 20^th Century's Paul Revere will be for naught if you can't pass the equivalent of a routine pre-employment drug screen. Testing positive for a "controlled substance" will vaporize your credibility quicker than hanging out with Lindsey Lohan, Mel Gibson, and/or Charlie Sheen. If that isn't reason enough to stay clean and sober until your book deal comes through and you make a guest appearance on The O'Reilly Factor or The Mike Huckabee Show, consider that fact that the above-mentioned vices are known to have killed more people than accidental radiation exposure and failed alien medical experiments combined!

In conclusion, I must say that having the Hangover of the Century is not much help in coping with the fact that the world did not end as had been promised. Yet, ever the optimist, I can take some comfort in one last observation: as of today (Sunday, May 22, 2011) there are only 579 days until the next scheduled End of the World Holiday Gala, the "Mayan Apocalypse" of December 21, 2012.

It never hurts to be prepared!