Meet Lori - An Interview with a Trans Gender

Lori was born, Bob. Bob was a 45 yr old male who is now in the process of sex reassignment. She has spent over $47,000.00 on medical procedures. Before the procedures, Bob was 6'1 and 270lbs; Lori is now 5'11 and weighs 225. Coincidentally, Bob was also married to a woman as a last ditch effort at trying to conform to the masculine gender for which he was biologically assigned.

The majority of the procedures so far have been for Facial Feminization. This has consisted of almost 17 hours in surgery for bone removal and a trachea-shave. She has had 6mm of her chin trimmed, 9mm taken off of her jaw, had bone ground down for smoothing and contour below her eye sockets and has had breast augmentation. She has also had her nose corrected for a deviated septum that gave her trouble for years. During this process, the surgeon brought the bridge of her nose down and evened out her nostrils because one was bigger than the other and she didn't feel it was very attractive.

Lori is on high doses of hormones. She takes Spironolactone to stop Testosterone, Estrodiol in the form of a patch, and Medroxyprogesterone. Lori now has periods, periods without menstruation. Her breasts swell and ache, and like most women, she feels the need for isolation when she is feeling blue.
Lori has proudly agreed to this interview and I would like to express my gratitude and thank her for her honesty and participation. I will begin by asking Lori about her childhood.

Tonya: Lori, when you were a child, did you ever participate in "gender inappropriate" behavior? For instance, did you ever play with dolls?

Lori: No, my issues went much deeper than playing with toys. I never felt a very big urge to play with dolls and such. My issues were about my body not developing correctly, not looking for an identity as a girl. I did not understand things at first, but the inclination to play with dolls and such was never really an issue. When I saw girls playing and moving as they do I felt a very strong desire to be like them in body and gesture. I have very distinct memories of this.

Tonya: There is a Sociological Theory that states that boys model their father. Did you find this true in your case?

Lori: Yes, while I felt one way on the inside, I was very confused at first as too why my body was feeling very different than it was developing. I remember having feelings like my genitals did not belong. I wanted very desperately to develop breasts and they were not developing. So, I do have many memories of trying to pattern myself after my father and the guys he worked with. He was in construction and worked with bikers and roughnecks and such. I realized that I had to survive until I could figure out what was going on. Once I figured things out (around 10 to 12 or so) I decided to research as much as I could find and survive and deal with it.

Tonya: You told me of a painful memory from your childhood when you watched a particular episode of "Phil Donahue." His show was an informative show about transsexuals. Please explain the elation you felt watching that episode and then the subsequent sadness after your mother told you that, "Those people are sick!"

Lori: Well, I do not remember all the emotions, but I remember sitting on the floor and realizing that I was just like the t/g's (transgenders) on the TV. I do have some memories of thinking that I needed to tell my parents but I was afraid. Then, when my mother made the comment, I decided to clam up and just keep trying to figure things out and deal with it. As time went on, I began to know that I needed to have gender reassignment but needed to come up with a plan to pull it off, hopefully without hurting the ones I love.

Tonya: Do you believe people are born this way, or are they socialized to want to become a member of the opposite sex?

Lori: Yes, I do believe that some t/g's are born that way. I think that for many reasons, like with quite a few gays I know, it is a lifestyle choice for whatever the reason. Myself, in point, I have had to deal with an extreme discomfort in my body my whole life. For lack of a better term, it is like being stuck in the worst set of clothes you could ever imagine and never being able to take them off. But many tell me I do not feel an extreme discomfort; I just want to be a woman. I think that a lot of people who are trying to transition are doing it for the wrong reasons and are not t/g's but rather very serious cross-dressers, that are not thinking clearly and just focus on the fantasy of being a full-time woman. As evidenced, by the number of people who start out seeing a reputable therapist and after being told time after time they have no gender issues, choose to start what they want to off of the internet. By self medicating and such, I know more that have been told they have no gender issues than those that have. That is based on my personal experience with many would-be t/g's. A sure tale sign, in my opinion, is when they only dress as a woman when it is handy, the rest of the time they live as a man. News flash, that is a cross-dresser. And to tell you the truth, anyone who would want to do as I am is really messed up. I do not want to be doing what I am doing, but I do not regret a minute of it. I know that I am a woman in a man's body, I tried everything I could think of to deal with it and in the end I have never been happier. I feel very strongly as well that a true t/g is one who has a very strong discomfort with one's anatomical self.

Tonya: How old were you when you realized that your body was just not right and can you elaborate on what you mean by "not right?"

Lori: I have very distinct memories at about the age of 7, knowing that my mind was not developing the way my body was. I am a little fuzzy about the age I really started to figure things out but I want to say it was about 9 or 10 years old. I never really had the "urges" that some say they have had such as wanting to play with dolls, or wanting to be with the girls because they felt more comfortable as one of the girls instead one of the boys. My very vivid memories can only be explained one way. My male part just does not feel like it belongs on my body. Now that I have hips and D-cup breasts, a waistline, no body hair, and my monthly PMS, everything is feeling in place. My body is no longer in agony. My mind is now becoming fully n-sync with my body. I can only imagine at this point what I will feel like once my SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) is done. But, I have no doubt that finally after thirty-eight long, lonely, agonizing years, my body will finally "feel" correct and not have foreign parts on it that do not belong. While I did not ask to have this birth defect, I do thank the good lord for giving me the patience and perseverance to get to the point I am now. And yes, I do very much believe in and worship the lord. I do believe the lord put me in this position to help others and to be an example. I have helped many and have also, because of what I am doing, gotten many to open their minds and not to be so judgmental of others. As well as to take a good hard look at themselves made realize that they have flaws in their lives and make changes. I have had a number of people give me credit for them making changes in their live to deal with issues they have had for years. To that, I say thanks, but you owe your thanks to God and yourself, for you have found it within yourself to make the changes.

Tonya: I want to talk about prior relationships to include your marriage. Had you ever had a sexual encounter that was homosexual? By that, I must explain that you were born a male, so did you ever have a homosexual relationship?

"No, I have never had a homosexual encounter."

Lori: No, I have never had a homosexual encounter. That is as a born male with a male. I did on several occasions, once I became of age go to gay bars and such to see if maybe I had homosexual feelings and found that not to be the case at all. My birth defect was that of gender identity not sexual orientation. I had no real girlfriends to speak of until I was about 19. It was at 16 or so that I realized that I would only be happy once I had a sex change. But for image and survival I continued to carry on the macho persona I had spent about 6 years putting together. Along with that, I realized that if I did not get a girlfriend people would start thinking maybe I was gay so I started dating and wound up having 5 girlfriends and one wife, to keep up a heterosexual image.

Tonya: At what age did you meet your wife and how long after that did you marry her?

Lori: I finally meet my wife at a very vulnerable time in my life which was about twenty-seven. We got married 2 years later. It was, at the time, what I thought was a last ditch effort at a socially acceptable heterosexual relationship.

Tonya: During our phone conversation you told me that you "feel like you used her." Can you elaborate on what you meant by that?

Lori: I feel very bad about that situation because I took an innocent girl and brought her into a situation that I new was going to end. She was very much in love with me and in some ways I was with her. But in my heart, I knew that we would get divorced. In fact, and I am embarrassed to admit this but when I was saying my vows at the altar, before the lord, I knew I was doing wrong. I was already planning out the divorce at that time. So, not only did I wrong her but I did wrong in the house of the lord. She has forgiven me for the most part. Yes, I did contact her and tell her the real reason for our breakup and what I was doing and ask her forgiveness.

Tonya: Briefly touching on the sexual encounters between you and your ex-wife, you said that bondage played a major part so that you could feel feminine. You also mentioned that you manipulated your ex-wife into bondage. I know that you have no reluctance in speaking to this, because it's for an educational purpose, so could you please tell me how often you and your wife had sexual relations and did you ever found yourself sexually aroused by traditional husband and wife intercourse?

Lori: My wife and I, had a very active sex life, usually about 5 to 6 times a week, in addition to the bondage games. As far as getting aroused by "traditional" husband/wife intercourse, it was very difficult for me, as it was not who I was. But thankfully, no matter how I felt inside. My penis was very sensitive and could get aroused by the normal various methods. However, to have normal relations was very agonizing to me. I wanted to be in her position. Even though I felt at the time, on the inside I was a lesbian, because I was very attracted to women. I now have realized that I am heterosexual (keeping in mind I am a woman born in a man's body,) I have found that I had buried deep inside me a huge attraction to men. I have talked to my various doctors and they all agree that neither the hormones nor the surgeries change you. They feel very strongly about this. So, the logical assumption is, that I have always been attracted to men. I just needed to become my true self too let those feelings out. I love getting to know the true me and I can tell you every day is now a new experience. Puberty at 45 is great!!!!!!!

Tonya: I know you've had several years of on-going therapy. Why is this part of the sex reassignment process and in what way has it helped you?

Lori: It has helped in many ways. First off, I am one to follow the rules and I am very familiar with the Harry Benjamin standards of care. Which, are the guidelines for anyone doing this, and wanting to do it. By the rules one has to adhere to. My therapy was needed at first for the confirmation and to start my process. But, in my heart of hearts, I was hoping she (the doctor), would find something wrong in my head and say that I was not a woman born in a man's body and tell me what was going on and start to work on it. As I said before, I feel very strongly that nobody in their right mind wants to do what I am doing. I feel very strongly about this. But, with her confirmation I started down this road and do not regret a single day since. She has also been very valuable as a non-emotional, non-biased educator for me, to help me, to understand, what is happening with my emotional self. I am on a very aggressive hormone program and gong through a lot of changes. The physical changes were very uncomfortable, but the emotional "wow". Just try to be a very street wise, big, aggressive male who at 45-yrs-old is dealing with the hormone levels of a thirteen or fourteen year old girl. My therapy has helped very much to understand what and how to deal with the new feelings and emotions. I would imagine that I will probably always have a therapist to help me through tough times.

Tonya: When is your actual surgery for your sexual reassignment? Not the actual date, but what month? What are you feelings about that? Do you have any reservations or fears about it?

Lori: I do not mind giving the date. It should happen on Aug 8, 2006, lord willing, and the bucks are there. My feelings at this point are that of total elation. Like I said, no one in their right mind would want to do this, I now have all the conformation that I am a woman born in a man's body just like I have always known. I am now very happy that my body will finally be both physically and emotionally correct. No, I can honestly say I have no reservations or fears about it. I feel very strongly that I am in the hands of the lord and with his guidance and support I have made it this far with virtually no complications or problems like so many I know have. I feel he is very much behind correcting this birth defect I have.

Tonya: If you could give a teenager with your similar background some advice, what would it be?

Lori: Well, I have in fact come in contact with some younger adults who feel they are dealing with gender issues. I have advised them to seek a professional's help if they feel they cannot address the issue with a loved one. But, I tell them do not keep it inside as I did for so many years. It is a very lonely existence and it hurts too much. I have given all I come into contact with all my numbers and such and told them if they need a friend who can relate and provide help I will always be there. So many are so quick to judge without understanding and if I would have had someone like me I am sure my life would have been very different. I do however encourage those who seem to having caring parents to confide in them. I have also offered to build a friendship with them and then approach their parents with them when they feel the time would be right to give them support at such a difficult time.

Tonya: What advice would you give to the family members of that teenager?

Lori: Well, probably the obvious. Which is do not judge, but rather embrace and support. Be there for him or her. The suicide rates are far too high for those dealing or that think they are dealing with gender issues. I am sure that most normal families would rather deal with the child and have them be happy in their lives, than to have the child not be able to deal with it and end their own life. Figure out what is going on and get them to a professional to help them deal with things, do not drive them away and into themselves. This is to big an issue for one to deal with by one's self. I know I did it. I tried many ways to deal with the issue and while I had a wonderful life as a male, I was very confused and lonely on the inside. My life as a male was one that many were envious of. But, while my life as a male made me who I am, and while I do not wish to dwell on the past. I do think how wonderful my life would have been had I been able to do this 20 years ago, with the help and understanding of my parents. I never had the courage to go to them with it so I never gave them the chance.

Tonya: We haven't talked about your parents, how has it been for them?

Lori: My mother always knew that I had some sort of deep issue that I was dealing with, but always saw me as a very well-balanced boy. She used to say that she knew something was bothering me and when I wanted to deal with whatever it was she would be there for me. She has dealt with it very well I think, but still has some issues. She misses Bob from time to time. She says while I always seemed very happy. She now sees that I am truly happy. She sees the peace and happiness in my eyes. My father on the other hand has more issues. He is not a very complicated man. He does not like to deal with things head on. He was given no choice in this matter though, because while it was hard to do when I went to them. I told them I was not coming to them for help. I was not broken and did not need fixing. All I needed was for them to understand. This is who I was and what I was doing and I told them of the whole process I had been through to that point. I told them they only had 2 choices to accept and try to understand me, or have me walk out of there life forever, which I was prepared to do. It would have been very painful but I had to be true to myself. This was not at all about them but about me being me. That was hard for my father to understand and deal with. To an extent I am sure they will always be dealing with this. But neither of them can deny how truly happy they see me now.

Tonya: Are you in relationship now?

Lori: Well, I think I might be. I have been keeping a very low profile because I feel that to have a successful transition you have got to concentrate all of your energy on yourself and you mission. However, I have started to date and I have met a number of men, yes, men. For most of my life I have always felt I was a gay woman because I felt so strongly attracted to women for a number of reasons, not just sexual. In fact, the sexual was quite a ways down the list. I said I would keep an open mind and heart. I have had a number of situations come my way lately and found that I do feel much more attracted and comfortable with men. I guess it was something I had very deeply buried inside of me. I will be a heterosexual woman. I feel much more "natural" and secure with a man. I am not for sure that the man I am seeing now will be the one, but we feel very much for each other and share many of the same hopes and dreams. He has been very understanding that I have not had my SRS yet and said he is not just looking for sex. He has been dating t/g's for about eleven years and is looking for a t/g to have a long term relationship with, and with the hopes of getting married to a t/g. He says that we are very much the same as a genetic woman but different in our own ways.

Tonya: What are your dreams for the future?

Lori: To just settle down into a heterosexual relationship with a man, hopefully, to be a homemaker, and to have a nice log home in the mountains. And if my real dream comes true to have the time to donate time to work with handicap children, maybe downs-syndrome children. I love children and would love to be able to work with them. I would like to go back to school and get a degree but time, money, and age prevents that. So, I will settle for the next best thing and that is to donate time, and give of myself as much as I can to others. But my main focus will be to have a rewarding relationship.

I would like to reiterate my gratitude to Lori for her open and honest answers for the purpose of this interview. I think she is a wonderful woman, who has definite goals in life and is tenacious enough to achieve all of her dreams. I wish her the best!