Meet the NFL's Uniform Police

There's no doubt that the National Football League is a well-oiled money making machine. After all, it's a sports league that showcases its athletes and sponsors at their highest level. However, this not only applies to the talent you see on field, but the presentation in which they play. By hiring a NFL Uniform Police Squad, the football commissioner is making sure that the bruising and bloody game has players wearing neat and commercially correct uniforms. That's right. It's like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy meets Mad Max.

Because the NFL has a large national television audience every Sunday afternoon, the league has great interest in preserving the look of their players, making them more marketable and equal. They want to present a professional product on the field for fans and protect any relationships outside of the game of football. For instance, the NBA commissioner David Stern has made desperate efforts to clean up the NBA image from "thug" athletes to a gentlemanly sport. Stern is clearly taking a page out of the NFL's book of class. One of Stern's uniform rules is to wear some sort of suit or tie when arriving to the basketball stadium. My advice is to stop making the shorts that go below the knees.

What all does the NFL Uniform Police inspect, you may ask? First of all, let me start out by mentioning that every NFL stadium has a uniform inspector. It's normal custom to inspect all players before each game to make sure they pass league standards.

Players must always wear their socks according to league standards. Their jerseys must be tucked in at all time, and all do-rags or caps must be kept inside of the helmet and hidden from sight.

Also, unlike NASCAR where decals are stuck on every possible inch of free space on the stock car, the NFL players are only allowed to display pre-approved logos of companies that are NFL licensees. After all, how can you have a classy sport where a player is standing in a huddle with a Big Jim's After Shave patch stuck on his uniform? I clearly remember the 1986 season when one of my favorite players, Jim McMahon, wore a shoe company headband at each of his games. However, he was told by the football commissioner to leave it off for the Super Bowl. More recently, anyone familiar with football today knows the name Chad Johnson. He's known for his funny end zone dances and trash talking. This year he was fined for wearing a tribute to his uniform number with an "Ocho Cinco" tag on the back of his uniform prior to the game. He was forced to take it off and pay later on. Also, in the last few weeks he was forced to take off a pair of shoes before a game because he had pictures superimposed on his shoe highlighting his favorite personal end zone celebrations.

The fines for uniform violations can vary tremendously. For instance, if a player were to have a sloppy, untucked uniform during the regular season then the fines could range from $5000-$10,000. Want to wear your socks all the way down so that you can show off your muscles during a game? It'll cost you ten thousand dollars. Sure, it's McDonald's money for an NFL player that rakes in $4 million per year, but it's still effective. The Super Bowl is a different story. In using my Jim McMahon, example, wearing an unapproved headband in the Super Bowl today could hurt him as much as $100,000.

So, how does this process work? An official will visit the locker rooms a few hours prior to kickoff to check the uniforms and equipment. The officials look at the players during warm ups and inspect them again prior to kickoff. Once everything has been approved, they'll then visit with the game officials, who also help enforce the policies throughout the game. You can always spot the official on the sidelines with a notebook and scribbling furiously noting any violations as they take place.

Most recently, officials have had to look out for gooey-like substances that running backs will put on their jersey to make it harder for a defender to tackle them. Throughout the game, the uniform officials are looking at things like helmets, towels, wristbands, socks, shoes, jerseys, and pants just to name a few. Their uniform pants must be worn below the kneecaps, which can be confining and wide receivers are consistently fined for this. This year the league outlawed helmet visors unless a player can provide a doctor's prescription.

What the Uniform Police is doing is depersonalizing the game so everyone looks equal. You may ask, "How does a tucked in shirt affect an athletes on field play?" The answer is simple. It doesn't. It's about show business and respecting all of the networks and businesses that dump money into these programs. Stop whining, tuck in your shirt, and collect your paycheck.