Meeting the Needs of Your Baby

Supernanny. Nanny 911. Belligerent teens on the Jerry Springer show. Everywhere you look, you're deluged with parenting tips, even if you don't have kids. Booksellers make a fortune off of parenting books, and discipline books. But, can you believe everything you read? Here's a short look into the longstanding theory, that fostering attachment leads to happier, more independent children.

Mankind has been having babies since, well, the dawn of mankind. But parenting books are a new thing, relatively speaking. Somewhere along the way, parents lost faith in their instincts, and turned to 'experts' to tell them how to raise their children. Some kids, no doubt, do need a how-to manual, but mostly, we as parents, need to remember that survival is built into our species. Just as crying is an innate response to hunger, the urge to pick the baby up is an innate response to crying. In this way, you and your child are learning to communicate. Your baby is saying, 'I have a need!' and you are telling your baby, 'I will help you meet that need.' This is your child's first encounter with trust.

The idea of independence is revered in this country. We are founded on a spirit of do-it-yourselfness. This is a good trait, but it can be over hyped. Such a focus on independence can lead to isolation, to people not feeling that they are able to ask for help. It can lead to a loss of community, to a loss of concern and respect for our fellow humans. This loss of concern is particularly evident when you thumb through certain popular parenting books. They tell you not to pick your child up each time she cries, or you will spoil her. They tell you to leave your infant in the crib, so he will 'learn to sleep' independently. They tell you that babies need to learn to be self sufficient as early as possible, in as many ways as possible. They tell you to ignore your basic instincts, and do the complete opposite of what nature is suggesting.

I think this is a dangerous road to travel. Babies are dependent. They cannot walk, talk, or feed themselves. The only tool for communication they know how to use at birth, is the ever present 'cry'. Naturally, the cycle should go; baby feels hunger pains->baby cries to be fed->mother hears baby cry->mothers milk lets down->mother picks baby up to feed->baby eats->hunger pains go away. From this, the baby learns that the parent is there to help him do the things he cannot do for himself. The baby learns to trust. There are books that would have you interrupt this process in the evening hours, or to try and put this process on a schedule. But, as adults, we eat at different times, dictated only by when we feel hungry. We may waken in the night, thirsty, or feeling a little hungry, and we might wander to the kitchen, and poke around for something quick and easy to nibble before heading back to bed. Imagine how we would feel, if we were incapacitated, and the person who was supposed to help us care for ourselves decided to go 'off duty' from 7 PM to 7 am. Suppose, they put us in our beds, and shut the door, and refused to assist us with obtaining food, or using the restroom, because, 'it wasn't time.' How would we feel? We would be hurt, angry, confused. We would stop trusting this person to meet our needs. We might withdraw, and stop interacting with this person, or we might lash out in anger. Conversely, we may cling to them when they are present, fearful of the time when they will leave us again.

This is what we are doing to infants when we follow antiquated parenting advice, or when we ignore our children, and our instincts. But when an infant is secure in the knowledge that a parent will come to her when she is hungry, or cold, or just lonely, then that infant is able to carry that feeling through into toddler hood. This can make the difference between a child who refuses to let go of your pant leg, and a child who runs pell mell into the next new activity. Children who know that there will be a person there to kiss their boo-boos away, or to watch them triumphantly stack that last block, are more likely to be independent, because they know that, when they need to be dependent, their needs will be met. Children who are unsure of their needs being met, are more likely to cling to their caregivers, and less likely to venture out and try new things. The flip side to that, is that they may become reckless, in the hopes of garnering attention.

You cannot spoil an infant. For about the first 12-16 months, wants and needs are interchangeable in a child's vocabulary. Meeting those needs is what nature had planned for human kind. So, cuddle them, hold them when they cry, stumble groggily around at 3 am when you're so tired you can barely remember your own name. This time of infancy, and milky smiles is quick. But the memories last a lifetime. Make them good ones, for you, and for your children.