Meeting the Parents

What is the big deal about meeting the parents these days? Man, I had to meet the parents of every single girl I ever dated. All both of them. That's how it was. You didn't just pull up and beep your horn and have the girl run out to meet you like she was a carhop and had curb service. Oh, no, you had to go up to that front door every single time and knock. Heaven forbid your date answer the door. That would be too flippin' easy.

No, no, it was the mother who answered. Or worse, the father, who looked at you like you were some sex-starved maniac who only had one thing in mind for his daughter. Get out of my head, old man! And forget about trying the new electronic version of this gambit, where the guy calls on his cell from the car outside your house to let you know he's waiting. It's a good thing cell phones don't have wires because I can only imagine how a father would wrap a cord around my neck.

But these days, somewhere after the teenage dating scene and prior to the online dating contingency, the unattached girl goes off on her own. And if you're the lucky sap to start dating her while she's Miss Independent, well, so much the better. But where meeting the parents was once a normal part of the dating cycle and taken in stride, it now morphs into the mythic saga of a George Lucas film (you know, his earlier good ones) (No, not "Howard the Duck." Shut up.)

The "meeting of the parents" is now the female version of asking her to move in with you. You've passed the primaries and are now headed into the general election. Only for this campaign there are only two electoral votes, mom and dad.

Yes, you'll meet the dad. And he's on to you. Why? Because he was you a couple of decades ago. Sure, maybe the hair was more afro-y and the pants stone-washed back in his day but he's been there, done that and has the tax exemptions to prove it. And there's nothing you can do about it. And here's the amazing part: He doesn't have to do a thing. Just by standing there and looking bemused he will have you spilling your guts like an Abu Ghraib inmate.

You'll mention the tattoos, the traffic tickets, restraining orders and the last bad break up because he can peer into your brain, knowing exactly where everything is stashed. And there's nothing you can do but go kind of out-of-body and watch and remember so you can do this to that snot-nosed bastard who tries to date your daughter. Oh, yes, you will have a daughter. It's karma. Keep that in mind.

Your best bet is with the mother. The girl and her mom have already talked about you. A lot. And if your girl is happy, the mom is happy. So, basically, you have to start dating the mom. Say nice things. Bring little gifts. Compliment her baked ziti. Suck up best you can. You might pull it off.

To further help your cause, I've gathered a couple of bullet points to avoid upon meeting said parents:

• No shoes, no shirt, no go.

• Don't give them the number of the motel you'll be at "in case of an emergency."

• Announcing that your test results were negative is not endearing.

• When they ask, "What concert are you going to?" don't explain how that's just your code for "having sex."

• Try not to mention that you really have been thinking seriously about marriage since the pregnancy scare.

• Explaining why the "60 Minutes" exposé on you was a hatchet job will not make things better.

• Don't brag about how fast you can download Internet porn.

• The plans you have for dropping out and living off the grid? Yeah, keep that your little secret for now.

So with a lovely bouquet of flowers, a firm handshake and a lot of things best left unsaid, you too will be able to survive meeting your girl's parents. And if you don't, so what? You still have parents of your own to deal with.