Meeting You Where You Are

What makes a good therapist? Is it education, training, compassion, techniques? The truth is that it is all of those things and more. Each therapist, and each client, has their own personal definition of what a "good therapist" really is. As professionals, I find that the definition of what makes a good therapist is often shaped by our belief about what therapy should be. If you believe therapy is about solving problems then direct instructions and problem solving are part of your expectations. If it is a philosophical exercise in understanding yourself better, then a good listener would be part of the equation for success. For me, one of the cornerstones of being a good therapist is meeting my clients where they are emotionally.

I had a great conversation with another therapist about the pros and cons of solution-focused therapy last week. In part we both agreed that there are times that focusing on solutions and the future is not what clients are looking for. This is not to knock the value of this therapeutic approach, I use many of the techniques in my work and have great respect for many of the therapists who developed and continue to refine this model through research and clinical application. But our discussion got me thinking about the idea of understanding where a client is and simply being with them in that emotional space.

When I was in graduate school, my husband asked me about my work as an intern and what I did in session. At that time I was working with a few clients who were trauma survivors. I tried to explain about the coping skills and other tangible techniques but something was missing. There is an intangible quality of therapy, especially when trauma is involved, that is often hard to articulate to anyone who is not a therapist. Then I found a movie that was able to convey exactly what it is I do as a therapist.

Late one evening we found ourselves watching What Dreams May Come, a film from the late 90's with Robin Williams and Annabella Sciorra, on TV. I loved the movie the first time I saw it in spite of the sorrow and tragedy of the storyline. *spoiler alert* Williams and Sciorra portray a couple whose children die in a car accident. The wife is devastated and begins to fall apart but with psychiatric care and her husband's help she recovers only to lose her husband in an accident as well. What struck me the second time I watched it was that twice Robin Williams "saves" his wife by simply being with her in her pain. In spite of all of his efforts to support and understand and cajole her out of her depression he cannot "fix her". Instead, he learns to sit with her in her sorrow without asking her to do anything beyond surviving her pain in that moment. I turned to my husband and said, "that's what I do."

Robin Williams character cannot help his wife get better until he learns to accept her pain as part of her reality. I often find as a therapist that my job is much like that role. Sometimes a couple is too angry and too betrayed to talk with me about hope or work on communication exercises. Sometimes I work with teenagers who are so fragile or depressed that they cannot "do" anything. At these times it is my job to simply join them where they are at that moment and hold onto the hope that things will get better. And most of the time, things do get better.

Therapy is journey and often times your therapist is the guide; someone to hold your hand and stay with you even at the times when you stop and aren't sure you can ever move forward. The journey is often more challenging than you first expected, and having a solid foundation of professional knowledge is necessary for every good therapist. There are numerous theoretical perspectives offering a myriad of techniques and amazing research that is broadening our understanding of human emotion and relationships. These are important tools to support and guide our clients. They offer therapists a method to what is sometimes maddening work. But for me, the first step in helping any client is learning to understand who they are and where they are ... and then meeting them there.