Melanoma Skin Cancer; Its Does NOT Discriminate!

I want out of my own skin. I want out of it so badly; I'd give anything I have for a new skin suit. I promise, this time, I'll be kind to it. Just please God, give me ONE more chance. I beg you.

I had Aiden with me this morning when I went in for my follow-up appointment. My babysitter fell through, and Scott had to work...I had to go alone, and I didn't want to, but with Aiden there, I felt safe. They can't tell you something terrible if you're there alone with your young child, because that's against unspoken human law. We sat in the waiting room, and I was thrilled to have found the latest edition of Highlights sitting right next to Elle...so fitting. What a perfect appointment! This is so easy! I had to ask though, "before I pay $25 bucks for the co-pay to say hello to the Dr. and go over these results, can we make sure those results are in? I had asked the lab to send a copy to me directly, but I never got a copy..."

"I'm sure pretty sure they're in", she said, and again, I asked her to "please, just make sure".

I watched her walk back to my file on the wall where I was about to be taken in, and pull out an envelope....but as she started to walk toward me with it, the envelope was intercepted by the R.N., and after a brief discussion between them that was too quiet for me to hear, the girl from the desk returned for my co-pay; my results are in, "But the Dr. has requested to go over them with you personally".

But I recognized that envelope; that's my Breast Cancer stamp in the upper right hand corner, and my return address label in the upper left hand corner. That's my envelope.

I sat down and tried to continue to look for hidden pictures in Highlights with Aiden, but my mind spun...I knew. There was no way in the world I was going to be able to find the Sword in the Haystack or the Duck in the Stairway....Everything was melting together, and I could hear everything. The secretary was typing papers at like 300,000 words per minute (well, that's what it sounded like!), the phone never stopped ringing, a woman across from me is telling another woman that she can't stand looking "old", while the other woman glared at Aiden because he kept asking me if there were "hidden Fwoot Woops in duh picdure". I wanted to leave, but it was like in a dream when your body refuses to do what you want it to do; you know the one. The monster chases you, but your legs weigh 500 lbs a piece and you feel like you're about to get swallowed, and then you wake up in a panic, sweating, calling for help, still unsure if it was real or not because, DAMN it seemed so real!

She called my name, and I said to Aiden to grab the magazine and come with me. He, of course, grabbed both Highlights and Elle, since I hadn't yet read mine. He is so thoughtful. In the room, I let him color the paper on the bed with some crayons I had left over in my purse from when we ate out last week; he was in heaven, and I was in outer space.

The nurse came to ask if it was OK to take Aiden to get a sticker or a piece of Candy, but that would mean removing my security blanket at this point, because remember, its human law to never tell a woman horrid news while she is alone with a young child. It's human law! The Dr. walked up, and asked if I was sure because he'll have "fun with Jessica!" "Nope. I'll be fine". And that was that. He pulled out my envelope, and handed it to me, and I opened it for him, and kindly handed it back with a friendly reminder. "I'm not a Dr..."

He smiled, and said to me that he had his own copy, that would need to keep this for my own records, and that I would need to be sure to keep all of my own records because it's important from this point forward. And damn it, if I don't still have a ways to go. He continued to talk about whatever it was he was talking about, while taking a few more biopsies from my arms, and freezing about 10 other questionable areas with Liquid Nitrogen. It stung, I think. I don't remember exactly. I wasn't really present, and I refused to be, because every time I tried to collect my wits, he'd say something about radiation, treatment, and my future appointments that need to be scheduled "right away"...he talked about cells, and sun, and tanning....I couldn't care less about cells or sunshine. Aiden was asking me if it hurt, and he was all that mattered. JUST GET THIS SHIT OFF OF ME! I will go home to my life, appreciate everything 100,000 times more, I swear to you, and I whole heartedly promise to stay out of the sun forever and ever. Now, make it go away.

I heard bits and pieces of what he was saying to me; they were as abstract as the Highlights Hidden Picture game, and I was wondering, 'how can you possibly be telling me that I have CANCER, when I'm holding my 3 year old son? What the hell is the matter with these people? Don't they know I'm only 33 years old? You people are out of your fucking minds; I have to go now because I have a busy day ahead, it's my girlfriends birthday, I got a new publication yesterday and feel proud...don't ruin this for me. IT'S BEEN HARD ENOUGH LATELY, you selfish sons of bitches, now goodbye.

Instead, I stood there with a smile on my face, half glancing down toward the highlights book as if to still be helping Aiden even though he lost interest 10 minutes ago, and all I could say was, "Ok, then, so do I reschedule? Because today, I have so many cool things happening, and it's my friend's birthday, and I just want to have a good day".

I'm sure I sounded insane, because looking back at that statement, I can see I had momentarily 'checked out' for lack of a better term, but I didn't know how else to cope right there, in that moment, on the spot. He said to please see Jessica on my way out. Well, I hate Jessica right about now, so I made no promises; just tilted my head and half smiled....actually, I wonder now if my mouth even moved. I felt blank, as if I were just going through motions on set as movie extra. There was NOTHING there. I was gone.

My next appointment will be removing about 14 spots on my chest (I also hate tank tops now....don't tell me to "just use sun screen", just allow me to hate tank tops right now, ok? Thanks a mil.) The appointment after that will be going over THOSE biopsy results, as well as completing my full body scan and blood tests. They removed a good size piece from my arm; they didn't get it all. While it might be clear to the lab and to my Dr. that I have stage 2 Melanoma, it is NOT clear that it has progressed any further than that. I will have the radiation if that's what they say, I guess....I guess...I'll be sinfully ugly if I lose my hair, but I'll be ok, I'll be healthy, I'll have a really awesome lesson to share (some people actually take heed....for reels), and I'll have my life.

I still want out of my own skin. I'm sure I will feel this way until I know that anything that can harm me is gone; when I am free from the monster that is eating my flesh, only then will I be comfortable. I had visions today of scratching my skin off with my own fingernails to get it all off of me. When I let myself think, I get terrified. When I let myself feel, I fall apart. When I count my blessings, I feel God with me.

I will continue to count my blessing every day. I hope all of you will too. I can guarantee you, that once you start, you can't stop. It against human law! Hehe...

Below is some information regarding Melanoma Skin Cancer; please educate yourselves. This is an invasive form of cancer, but the earlier it is detected, the better. And what can you DO for me? The only thing I want is for others to read this information I've provided below. That all I ask. And only then, will I feel I have served a purpose.

WHAT IS MELANOMA? Let me tell you.

Melanoma is a form of skin cancer that starts in the pigment producing skin cells called Melanocytes. These cells become abnormal, grow uncontrollably, and aggressively, invading surrounding tissues. Although melanoma is less common than other types of skin cancer, it is the most serious, make no mistake! Fortunately, melanoma may be cured if caught and treated in its early stages while it still affects only the skin. In more advanced stages, it may spread, or metastasize, through the bloodor lymph system to other organs and bones, making cure less likely.

What causes melanoma? I hoped you'd ask.

Melanoma often is caused by too much sun exposure. Damage to the genetic material or DNA of melanocytes from sun exposure and UV light radiation is a major cause of melanoma. Melanoma can also be caused by other factors, including a family history of melanoma and the presence of abnormal, or atypical, moles. Although atypical moles are not cancerous, their presence is a sign of an inherited tendency to develop melanoma.

Symptoms are as follows...

The most important sign of melanoma is a change in a mole or other skin growth, such as a birthmark. Any change in the shape,size or color of a mole may indicate melanoma. Melanoma usually looks like a flat, brown or black mole that has irregular, uneven borders, and is not symmetrical. Melanoma skin growths may be 6 mm (0.2 in.) or larger. A melanoma may be lumpy or rounded, change color, become crusty, ooze, or bleed. Melanoma can develop in an existing mole or other mark on the skin, but it often develops in unmarked skin. Although melanoma can grow anywhere on the body, it frequently occurs on the upper back of men and women and on the legs in women. Less commonly, it can develop under the nails or on the soles of the feet, the palms of the hands, or the mucous membranes that line body cavities such as the mouth, the rectum, and the vagina. Who knew?

How is melanoma diagnosed, you asked? Good question...

Your health professional will examine your skin to look for melanoma. If he or she suspects melanoma, a biopsy of the affected skin is needed to make a diagnosis. For this, your health professional will remove a sample of tissue, and a pathologist will examine it under a microscope to check for cancer cells. If the biopsy shows melanoma, more testing, such as a syntenal lymphnode biopsy, may be necessary to determine whether the melanoma has spread to the lymph nodes.

How is it treated?

Melanomas detected at an early stage have the best chance for cure, as is with true for most cancers. Surgical removal, or excision, of the melanoma is the most effective treatment. Surgical removal just might be all that is needed for early melanomas that have not spread, or metastasized, to other parts of the body. Depending on the area of the body and how thick the melanoma is, you may need plastic surgery to repair the scar left by surgery. After surgery, you will have regular follow-up appointments with your health professional-every 3 to 6 months for 5 years, then annually-to monitor for return of the cancer and to detect new melanomas. For melanomas that have spread to the lymph nodes, a medication called interferon usually is given to fight the cancer cells. Melanoma that has spread to distant parts of the body is rarely curable; however, as with everything else, several medications are currently under close study.

How can I prevent melanoma? You have power.

You can prevent all forms of skin cancer, including melanoma, by avoiding overexposureto ultra violet UV rays.

· Use a sunscreen with an SPF of least 15 daily.

· Stay out of the sun during the midday hours (10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.).

· Use a higher SPF when at higher elevations.

· Avoid sunbathing and tanning salons. UV rays from artificial sources such as tanning beds and sunlamps are just as dangerous as those from the sun.

Perform a skin self-exam monthly to identify suspicious growths that may be cancer or growths that may develop into skin cancer (pre-cancers). Look for any abnormal skin growth or any change in the color, shape, size, or appearance of a skin growth. Check for any area of injured skin that does not heal. Also, have your health professional check your skin during your regular physical exams, or at least once a year.