Members of Bad Attitude Family Accused in Death of Miss Common Courtesy

Today, America mourns the loss of one of its oldest residents, Miss Common Courtesy. Miss Courtesy, being a lady, never revealed her true age, but experts estimate that she was somewhat younger than Dirt, and a few minutes older than her twin brother, Common Sense, who predeceased her by several years.

Miss Courtesy, who lived in seclusion for the past few decades, made only rare public appearances, mostly in small towns and villages, where she felt most comfortable. "Please," "Excuse me," and "Thank you" are among her most well-known and loved expressions. When recently asked to please comment on her closest rival, Miss Paris Hilton, also extremely well-known and much appreciated for having done nothing but make an appearance, Miss Courtesy, with a sympathetic smile, offered, "It's always so nice to be appreciated for no reason at all, isn't it?." When asked about her feelings toward the latest of her detractors, Reality Television, Miss Courtesy, gracious as always, would offer no comment at all aside from her polite smile.

Although her popularity had declined in recent years, authorities are determined to investigate the death of the once much beloved, Miss Common Courtesy. Unfortunately, they have so many leads and prior victims in the War Against Manners (WAM); they admit they aren't sure where to start. Further fueling the investigation is current controversy over the public's demand for the release of the security tape of Miss Courtesy's murder on U-Tube. This might aid or hinder the ongoing investigation, but authorities fear it will incite copy-cat manner-killings, resulting in more victims and fewer non-victimized investigators to pursue leads. "It's a vicious circle," one innocent bystander was overheard saying as she was knocked to the ground by an over-zealous reporter.

Autopsy results are inconclusive, and witnesses have yet to come forward, but the coroner is convinced apathy and ignorance were the dual, final causes of death. He is further suggesting that Miss Courtesy's death was caused equally by three of the most insidious, vicious criminals the public has been known to observe in recent years.

Today, authorities, in what has become commonly known as a free-for-all (formerly known as a press conference), finally revealed the names of Miss Common Courtesy's alleged assailants.

Police Chief, Justice Forall, the lead investigator in the case, states, "This family has held centuries-old grudges, plotting the demise of the last living Courtesy for years. They are well known manner-killers and three of the most powerful members of the notorious Bad Attitude family. They are known most commonly by the names Money Rules, and fraternal twins, Me First and Screw You. All three are still at large and considered armed and rude."

Chief Forall further advises anyone approaching any member of the Attitude family to use extreme caution. "Your only protection," he said, "Look them straight in the eye, smile and offer your hand in a non-threatening manner, as if you would like to shake their hand. Tipping your hat or saying hello will immediately make you a target and should be avoided at all times. When pressed, Chief Forall did admit, however, that any approach at all may not disarm or distract them; but was just as likely to make you their next victim. "They share a common manner-killing practice which is both subtle and sinister, and sometimes hard to avoid. They are always actively recruiting new members, and in order to add you to their number, only need you to respond in kind," he added. Like many organized crime relationships, history tells us that once people become members of the Bad Attitude family, it's almost impossible to escape their ongoing and far-reaching influence.

Police have released descriptions of each of the alleged assailants although they did caution vigilantes and potential victims that the Bad Attitudes almost always disguise themselves. To further complicate matters, the Attitudes may appear to be either male or female and of any age from approximately 3 to 103. "These are an extremely vicious criminal element," Forall said. Almost everyone may fall victim to one or all of them at some point in their lives."

Money Rules is normally fashionably dressed in the latest styles even though the clothing itself may be ugly or even clown like. Money travels worldwide, irritating indiscriminately, dines in the most expensive restaurants, tipping poorly, and speaks loudly and often, without conscious thought, especially in libraries, churches and hospitals, because he/she believes substantial donations made to any one of these institutions bestows the right of rudeness. He or she will frequently be seen in the most ornate house, weighted down with large amounts of jewelry, driving the largest vehicle, and you will never see recycling bins in front of his or her house. Money Rules believes the real rules are not applicable to him or her. Whatever form he or she may take, profilers agree Money Rules is rich, mean, selfish and annoying.

Me First and Screw You are also mean, selfish and annoying, but they aren't usually well-off financially. Fraternal twins, they often imitate one another and can even disguise themselves as Money Rules if they're feeling mischievous. It is best to avoid close physical contact with either of them as they are often violent and quite relentless, being both angry and annoyed themselves. Both have been known to line jump, using knees and elbows, cut others off in traffic without signaling, and let go of doors in the faces of old and young alike, though Me First is particularly noted for all these offenses and more. Screw You, in addition to insolence and impertinence, will often use inappropriate language, especially in public places, and, if unable to speak to his or her victim, will instead, use hand gestures. Both or either are recognizable by their perpetual smirk, or by the fact that they are looking through you, behind you, or over your head.

Anonymous sources have disclosed that any or all three of the alleged assailants may be hiding on the private Island of The Perpetual Victim or at Entitlement Thwarted Estate. Neither has an extradition agreement with the U.S.

- Anyone with information that will lead to the capture and conviction of these notorious criminals is respectfully invited to call1-800-THA-NKSU.

Continual services and eternal vigils for Miss Common Courtesy are being held every day by Miss Courtesy's many fans. In lieu of flowers, Miss Courtesy, in a lovely thank you note addressed to the world at large, asked that her memory be honored by the practice of general good manners.