Memoir of an HIV Postive Man

James D.D., 29, has been HIV positive for the last five years, but says that the experience has made him a better person and give him the best years of his life. He lives and works as a counsellor at the Freedom Foundation, an NGO that deals with the HIV positive. The Asian Age met him at Freedom Foundation where he talked about his life as an HIV positive person.

Although he is a little shy, James's eyes sparkle with health and good cheer.

"Frankly I got it from a commercial sex worker before I left to join the hotel industry in the Gulf. I always practised safe sex, but that one last time before my departure, I was full of excitement. She excited me, the Gulf excited me.

Luckily, I worked three years in the Gulf before my employers found out about my HIV positive state. I was lonely and afraid in a strange country. I was depressed, yet I could not cry.

All my dreams of the future were shattered. I wondered what was to happen to me. Would I get fired? How long did I have? Six months, one year? I was more angry at myself than at the woman I'd got the infection from. She probably had not known she had it. She was only trying to survive.

Three days after that test, without warning, my employers put me on a plane back to Mumbai. They didn't give me time to withdraw my money from my bank or say goodbye to my friends.

They sent a guy to make sure I got onto the plane and didn't go anywhere else. My elder brother who was working in the Gulf too, came to see me off at the airport. It was some comfort to me.

But my mother and I had always had a tense relationship, so I could not tell her or the rest of my family about it. I knew they wouldn't understand. It was difficult when they kept asking me why I had come back and why I wasn't going back to the Gulf.

I sank into depression then and heavy drinking. I lost interest in everything constructive. This enraged my family even more. I hardly mingled much with my friends. A couple of them still drank from the same glass as me. They still keep in touch.

This state of depression lasted almost a year. Then I found the address of an NGO that dealt with AIDS and I approached them. I had read enough about the illness by then and wanted to get in touch with others like me. I was tired of feeling like an outcast.

And so I began meeting others who were HIV positive once a week, and soon it became every day. I tried to help those infected and their families to come to terms with the illness. And I could do this because by then I had begun to rediscover the God I had ignored all along. I was stronger, happier, and I wanted to spread this feeling.

I did various odd jobs and was fired when I told my employers about my condition. I felt very angry and disillusioned at a society that treated me like I was a cyanide pill or something.

Then I heard of Freedom Foundation and the good work they were doing and packed my bags for Bangalore. I'm not bothered any more about how long I'll live. I've left it to the Almighty. All I want to do is lead a productive life. I pray every day and it has changed my life. It has made me realise who I really am.

By the grace of God, I've had no serious illness since I was diagnosed with HIV five years ago. I got rid of my anger, I learned to forgive, though it took me a couple of months to do that. If it weren't for this infection, I wouldn't have rediscovered God or experienced the best years of my life.

I was never interested in gardening before but now I am. I have seen more than 40 people die here of the illness. Most of them die in their late twenties 8 to 10 years after being infected.

In the last 6 months to a year, the illness becomes worse with various infections that become more and more difficult to treat. Two of my friends died in my arms.

Unknowingly, I have become braver about my death. People think the virus is more prevalent among homosexuals than heterosexuals. But it's the other way round. It is spread mostly through contact with commercial sex workers.

I'd like to tell the world out there that they must go in for general medical checkups. Indians don't go to the doctor unless they're sick, and sometimes it's too late. You suddenly discover you have full-blown AIDS and not much time left to do the things you want.

People can survive longer with the right treatment, but first they've got to know.

And, please, please take sex seriously. Be safe. For others and for yourself. If I could save one person from this plight, I would have done my job. And that is why I have decided to talk about it. Some people do give me weird looks but today I have more friends.

You have to give in order to receive, and I hope my talking about it will help those who come after us to get accepted by society. Everyone is susceptible to HIV. Everyone."

When asked how he will spend Christmas, James points to a small Christmas tree in the garden and says with a smile,
"That was gifted to us. We have a lot of visitors at Christmas and carol singers too. People here are very happy at this time, but there are times when someone very ill dies, and that upsets them. I have learned to live with that, for these are the best years of my life."