Memoirs of an Intern

Maybe you apply and are accepted. Maybe you have a relative who knows someone. Whichever way you manage to obtain a coveted internship spot, you have assured yourself an educationally and monetarily rewarding summer experience.

Hold on a minute. It may not be as rewarding as you thought.

College students know what I'm talking about. We all desire that cushy office position that not only gives us extra cash, way above minimum wage, but also looks great on our resumes. The most enterprising of us might hope to gain professional experience that will serve them later in life or help in getting future job. However, the main hazard of most internship is that you're never told quite what you're getting, or what your experience will be.

Ever since you've given up on the classifieds and the Internet, you've been combing the family records for some sort of sign from your chosen deity. Then, you discover the gem you've been waiting for. Little did you know that Uncle Morty's half sister Fran has a brother-in-law named Robert, who works at a bank. Many of us have a connection to a Robert, whether he works in a bank, investment firm, advertising agency, wholesale business, or chiropractor's office. At the same time you praise the fortuitous circumstances that have allowed you the privilege of being related to Robert, it dawns on you that you have never spoken to him, though you might have shaken his hand a some obscure family event when you were five.

It begins with that call. Several weeks later, after you baby-sit for one of Robert's kids one weekend and take his other kid to prom the next, you have landed that internship, and it wasn't even necessary to have a resume. You chuckle to yourself, thinking you've somehow beat the system; without any work or prior experience, a respected business dynamo has agreed to take you under his wing and show you how to hold the market hostage until consumers bow at your feet and raise up their money to you as peace offerings! You can see yourself raise your right hand amid a sea of clueless greenhorns, you shout "SELL!" and watch as the pile of gold atop which you sit grows to an enormous height, carrying you to a lounge in the clouds where all your underwear is expensive and all your television is in HD.

On the first day of your glorious internship, this vision dims and fizzles into black with a tiny click, much like the computer monitor in front of which you are perpetually parked. The six weeks that ensue are blurred into a half-asleep haze of endless alphabetization and apathy. Your menial tasks have nothing to do with the career that surrounds you; more often than not, they are just jobs that the real employees don't feel like doing. You can bet your college loan payments that this means you're not going to enjoy these jobs either.

If you're lucky, or just easy to entertain, you may grow to take comfort in the monotony and lack of responsibility. If you're not too many burritos short of a fiesta, you might maintain sanity through crosswords and sudokus to pass the long, temperature-controlled hours. While doing puzzles and reading Associated Press articles on the Internet are edifying activities, the cease to satisfy when you want some variety. You are so fed up with AddictingGames.com that you crave curling up with a best-selling novel. Then, due to hours of thinking time, you stumble upon a curious conundrum. How can it be that you may openly wile away the hours on YouTube, but it is deemed poor conduct to take out your book and read or listen to you iPod?! The question is a good one, and fortunately, you have another five weeks to ponder it.

Choosing a college internship is a bit like bobbing for apples. First, you must chose the best-looking apple from among the other contenders, but when you bite into it, you risk a mealy or even worm-infested mouthful, not to mention the fact that you will probably get water, or whatever the apples are in, or your face, and that liquid might be sticky. That was a horrible analogy, but it shows the vast number of possibilities of distasteful and uncomfortable situation that an internship may place you in.

This article merely presents a cautionary tale. I am not claiming that all internship lead to mindless clerical drudgery. However, I say internships deserve a "caveat emptor." Let the buyer, or college student in this case, beware of enticing offers that may result in a dull summer, making you wish that you had become a camp counselor like the rest of your friends. Additionally, just so readers don't wonder, yes, I have an internship, and yes, I wrote this article at the office.