Memoralizing Your Unborn Child's Death

I am a mother of four children here on earth and four unborn babes that live now in heaven. I know all-too-well the emotional heartache that occurs with a miscarriage. For any woman who has ever been pregnant they will tell you that the bonding process oftentimes begins from the first moment they learn they are expecting a child. Therefore, even an early miscarriage (one that occurs within the first few weeks of a conception) can bring emotional upheaval. A woman who miscarries a child will go through the typical hormonal rollercoaster that is usually recognized as the norm after giving birth as her body adjusts back to it's pre-pregnant state. Along with that, there is ordinarily the common signs of the grieving process to contend with. It does not matter whether you ever saw this child or even had a name picked out yet, this child was a piece of your future. An unborn child carries unique potential and to lose that can leave a lack of closure in a mother's heart. This also goes for the mother who has to go through the emotional painful process of birthing a stillborn child. Often times in a situation such as this the parents are so caught up in the emotions that they do not even realize what thier rights are. In the occurence of a stillborn child, I understand it can be a very painful time. BUt do not let any medical professional attempt to convince you that you should not see or hold your baby. This may seem to be too much to bear at first but I have never spoken to a mother who said she regretted holding her stillborn child. In contrast, the mothers who are not given this oppurtunity say they lack closure and are often haunted by fantasies that their child looked far worse off than in reality he or she probably appeared. Having a time alone with your husband and your baby to simply hold him/her and absorb her/his vision into your memory can bring a great wave of grief but also a sense of peace and awareness of the circumstances and situation and all that it encapsulates. Dressing your baby in a special outfit, taking a few photos of your baby, snipping a tiny lock of hair to keep in a book....these things all supply tangible memories of your little ones precious existence. Request for a death certificate from the hospital. Request that your child be released into your custody so you may do a proper burial ceremony. All of these things will help to aid the healing process.

A more complicated matter arises when you miscarry a child because you are then denied the possibility of physical memorabilia of your child in many ways. There will be no photos or time to cradle this precious child. There is no funeral. The world simply goes on about it's business, oftentimes leaving a mother to grieve in silence, feeling as if she ought not to make a big deal out of it. It is as if a miscarriage is not really a death at all. But in all truth, it IS. You may have loved this child just as much as any child already born. You may have already purchased clothing, picked a nursery theme or contemplated names with your husband. It is possible to love someone you have never met and to ache over the loss of someone you never even laid eyes on. As a woman I know said after her miscarriage, "I already knew where I was going to put the crib." We make room in our hearts and lives and homes for this baby and it hurts to lose the future possibilties. As a mother who has miscarried four babies, I can relate to the mother who feels that lack of true closure in the loss of her child.

There are many ways you can memoralize the short life of your baby. Many women keep a memory box of some special momentos that remind them of their pregnancy. These can include a positive pregnancy test, a copy of your medical records from the doctor who provided any prenatal care, a special outfit you may have bought or a toy someone may have bought as a gift. You can also include a letter to your unborn baby or a poem. In my home I have a special poem framed on my wall along with the ultrasound picture from my second pregnancy. (the only miscarriage that I actually had the oppurtunity to obtain an ultrasound picture from.) Some women choose to plant a special plant/bush or tree in thier yard as a way to memoralize thier baby. If music is your pleasure you could write a song to your unborn child. (This is something my husband did.) You could purchase a special item to keep in your homeas a reminder of your baby, perhaps a lovely candle to burn on special days or a vase or angel figurine. Keeping a journal of your feelings or thoughts about or towards your unborn baby can also provide a wonderful outlet for healing and a way to find closure. The key is to find a way to memoralize your unborn child that is altogether unique and of the utmost help to you and your family in providing lasting peace and closure during this difficult time. Be sure to sorround yourself with supportive family and friends who can recognize along with you what an emotionally charged time in your journey this will be. All in all, I cannot lie and tell you that you are garasunteed nothing but assurance of peace once you find a way to memoralize your child. Instead, I will tell you that somedays will be more difficult than others and though time will eae the sharpness of the pain, it will alwasy remian as a dull ache. The key is to celebrate the life your baby did have, no matter how short it might have been. And as absurd and impossible it may sound, to find joy in knowing you were blessed if even for a moment in time to be your child's mother. Our children are all simply on loan from us in the first place. Some may only remain long enough to make an imprint on our heart. But that imprint will remain forever.