Memorial Donation Etiquette

The loss of a loved one is devastating emotionally, but what many people don't realize until they are in that situation is that it can also be devastating financially. Medical bills and final arrangements can run thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, and if the loved one was a wage earner then the financial blow will be felt for years after their passing.

Unfortunately, too many people are attempting to overcome this financial loss by soliciting memorial "donations" and financial contributions by playing on the sympathies of those who are mourning with them. In terms of etiquette, however, there is only one rule to remember: a funeral is not a fundraiser.

If You've Lost a Loved One

Admittedly, money may be one of the most prominent concerns for the loved ones left behind, and a sense of monetary desperation may set in as the bills add up. Regardless of the situation, however, the immediately family of the deceased should never seek out financial contributions, whether asking for donations through a bank fund or openly lamenting about the high costs they now face. If another relative or friend sets up a memorial fund in the family's name, that can be a suitable compromise - so long as the immediate family does not suggest or promote the idea. Similarly, a memorial fund should not be listed in an obituary or death notice, but should instead be spread by word of mouth to those who inquire and wish to help.

If a memorial fund is set up to help a grieving family, it should be clearly named so anyone donating to it will understand what their contributions will be used for. The most common examples are educational funds for the young children of recently passed parents or caregivers.

If a memorial fund is established, it is only reasonable to keep it active for a year after the deceased's passing. After that time, those in charge of the fund should politely refuse further donations, suggesting charitable contributions in the deceased's name instead. While a loved one will be missed for many years by those closest to them, it is impolite to encourage others to continue holding on to their grief. An educational fund may be the exception, however, and it may be kept viable until the children in question begin college.

Charity Donations

While it is not proper etiquette to solicit money as a memorial contribution directly, it is acceptable to ask that donations be made to suitable charities in the name of the deceased, typically in lieu of flowers or other mourning gestures. Those charities should be directly related to the deceased, such as organizations they supported in life or those related to their cause of death. If a young mother is killed by a drunk driver, for example, donations can be suggested for Mothers Against Drunk Driving, or if a loved one is lost to cancer, donations can be suggested for suitable cancer research and care facilities.

Saying Thanks

If you have received financial gifts or contributions after the death of a loved one, expressing your sincere thanks is essential. A personal thank you note should be sent to the giver as soon as possible after the initial period of bereavement; it is understandable that thank yous may not be extended for a few weeks, but after a month has passed it becomes necessary to express thanks. A long note is not required, but it should mention how helpful the gift is and what it may be used for, if possible.

If You Want to Give

If someone you know has lost a loved one and may have financial challenges facing them, it is acceptable to give them a monetary gift, though it should always be done demurely and discreetly. Enclosing cash or a check in a sympathy card is the most common method, though if you are aware of their circumstances you may be able to help financially in other ways. Options include:

*Contacting a utility or mortgage company and arranging to cover a month's bill (in full or part)

*Making an anonymous deposit into their bank account

*Offering financial help in a less obvious way, such as buying groceries or arranging free day care

*Donating paid leave days if you are a coworker

*Donating to a charity they support or that is significant to the deceased

Whether you have recently lost a loved one or simply want to offer financial support to someone who has, remembering proper etiquette is essential. A time of bereavement can be delicate and tricky, but by handling financial matters with dignity you can help support those who need the care.