Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter and Julie Sokol

This book targets the Smart Woman entangled with a Significant Other (or a succession of Others) terrified bywhat he sees as the apron strings of commitment. The authors are not talking preferences here, they're talking Major Terror. The force of the book, which could have been written by Scheherezade, bubbles up like a spring. A certain species of Significant Other not just ambivalent, he is terrified at the thought of leading a committed life. In a twist on the old biblical story, when the rain pours down, this male would rather drown than walk accompanied onto the ark.

If this book is for you, don't let The 1987 publication date faze you. After doing a deep scan of this book, I talked with a friend who said, "You mean I'm not the reason he picked a fight with me, walked four steps ahead of me on the sidewalk, lied about why he didn't want to go into the foyer during intermission, never wanted to go to the same restaurant twice, and took lots of photos of me but fussed when I took his photo?"

To this, Carter and Sokol would say, "You got it." Furthermore, once frightened, an Uncommitted Other perceives a partner's kindest gestures as an invitation to the electric chair.

The authors go on to explain that occasionally an Other of the un-committing kind makes plans to marry or even marries, only revealing the full extent of his (it could be her) phobia once the marriage begins.

Carter and Sokol skirt matters like demographic influences or other origins of commitment phobia. Neither do they address the basis for continuing attachment to an Uncommitting Other. I found their problem-oriented focus a relief, but some readers may find the book overly simple on these points. Keep your eye on the blinking light anyway. The message comes through: Lady Beauty thinks she can tame her Gentleman Beast but she … (fill in the blank.}

The writers are not down on the Un-committer. Lack of commitment is a way of life too. What they do is go against the fairy tale grain that lurks in many of us by showing that even the most enduring Frog Prince - to shift fairy tales - is still a frog. With this principle firmly established, the writers detail the steps that will lead Smart Woman out of the maze, away from the Prince in question.

This streamlined guide to appropriate emotional targeting is well-written and well-organized. Section two, for example, proceeds from the Beginning of a Commitment-phobic Relationship to the Middle of, The End of and The Bitter End of.

With the authors' technique of demystifying cultural myths by shifting their focus from Wonder Woman to The Selective Woman, Men Who Can't Love has something to say not to entangled women and also to sociologists, romance writers, and ordinary people like you and me wondering about the story of our lives. At the low price this book sells for through the big internet booksellers, Men Who Can't Love is an inexpensive way to consider whether to stay in your relationship or move on.