Men and Good Parenting

Men aren't really supposed to speak lovingly about babies. The exceptions would be "qualified" men such as Dr. Spock who are allowed to exhibit love for children through their expert writing on the subject of child care. No one thinks of them as weak-chinned.

But today parental responsibility must be shared in the true partnership that forms the basis for a successful marriage. Perhaps the time has come for a 'Father's Lib Movement'.

'Father's Lib' should allow the guys to come out of the closet, so to speak, and enjoy their babies without fear of stigma from their contemporaries or scorn from their employers and resentment from their wives. It is a fact that many wives guard their roles as mothers jealously.

Some men just can't get over the shock when the wifely love they enjoyed all along is replaced with love for a new baby. They resent this bond a woman shares with her child and begin to be plagued by jealousy and feelings of neglect. In such a case, I would think, it would be better to join in the fun than lie back and seethe.

Says Desmond, the proud father of six children: "The sight of a vulnerable newborn baby produces in me the sort of wonder and contentment that many men feel in wild countryside, on the peaks of mountains - or at sea. I enjoy changing nappies. There is, after all, a great satisfaction in making a baby clean, and dry, and comfortable. There is also the huge bonus of soothing that pink, downy little body, receiving a smile or a gurgle in return - it is an experience that many men wish for, but feel unable to demand. Fortunately my wife welcomes my involvement. You cannot begin to imagine the sensual reward of holding a baby on your lap and feeling that warm, soft, incredibly sweet-smelling, downy head just under your chin."

The arrival of a baby changes the whole vocabulary and language of a marriage. There are no more quiet days and calm weekends but snatched moments of peace and little pockets of calm. The exchanges between a couple regarding a baby can become vital to their relationship.

"Babies change all of us - particularly men," adds Desmond.

Jacob, father of a growing son and daughter says: "My upbringing makes me the traditional father who was the true head of the family - you know, the sort that would be consulted on his daughter's suitors and his son's career. He was responsible for every penny that came into the house and went out of it. His control was total, but it had little or nothing to do with feeding and changing. I'm looking forward to when the children are older, but I must say, if men had to have babies, there certainly wouldn't be many around."

"I think today a father has to earn the respect of his children," says Arjun. "No longer does it come automatically with being 'head of the family' - for the simple reason that a father isn't the head any more. Today his wife works too and the father is not the only source of values and information for his children. They are bombarded with choices from outside the family - and if Father is to influence them, it has to be by understanding and communication, rather than control."

Fathers today will have to choose between scrambling up the career ladder and being more closely involved at home. They will have to break the masculine taboo on tenderness while more women gain the freedom to express their 'masculine' side.