Men Invented Everything Awesome

Globes. Rolling pins. Scotchgard. The disposable diaper. What do these things have in common? They suck.

What else do they have in common? All were invented by women.

That's right, America. Since the dawn of time, nothing awesome has ever come out of a woman's brain. From improved ironing boards to new and exciting uses for nail polish, women have cluttered up history with their inane, useless creations, and expected us to pat them on the back and call them "equal", whatever that means, with each new pile of failure.

Face the facts, people! Everything awesome that ever existed in the universe was thought of and built by men. From boxing gloves to lumberjacking to swimsuit issues, men have bent history to their will with sheer ingenuity, sweat and overwhelming incredibleness. Did they just sit back after constructing an entire world civilization? No, they keep on pumping out new ways to be awesome, celebrating each time with a high-five and a cold beer and a "Yep, we did it again. We made the world more awesome."

Don't believe me? Alright, then, lets look at a few more things women have invented, and then we'll compare them objectively.

1) Crying. No one in history ever cried until women showed up. Once they figured out how to get their way by blubbering and making their eyes leak, human civilization took a downturn and never fully recovered. Before that fateful day, you never cried. Not even if you sliced off an arm with a buzz saw. You just manned up and got back to work. For Odin's sake, even babies refused to cry during delivery. They jumped out, punched the doctor in the eye, then went and got a job. Thanks a lot, woman-kind, for ruining our babies. They used to be awesome.

2) Car accidents. Now, car crashes did occur before women came around. But if a man slammed into another car, you could be sure he meant to do just that, and the ball of fire that consumed him was just a part of his plan to look more awesome. No man can not look awesome while on fire. It wasn't until women figured out the rear view mirror could be used for applying makeup that car crashes became tragic and random. These days, whether they're yelling at the eight brats in the back seat of their Ford Panzer, whining to their husband's voicemail about how he works too much and then nagging him for more diamonds, or dishing with their BFF about the stunning drama on last week's Gossip Girl, they continue to excel in discovering new ways to not pay attention and smash into you while you're just trying to mind your own business and get to Dunkin Donuts.

3) Lying. You may have thought it was the Devil who invented lying. Ironically, you're not far off. Really, the concepts of lying and other forms of willful deception were never fully conceived until women decided to stop baking and start speaking. When men ran the world uninterrupted, there was no need to say one thing while thinking another. If a man asked another man how something looked, he would tell the truth and say "awful, and you suck". Then they'd high-five and have a cold beer. End of story, everyone's happy. But the day women realized they could ask questions, too, was the day it became necessary for men to start lying. "How do I look in this?" "Is my best friend pretty?" "What are you thinking right now?" Women force us to lie. At least, though, we men can still be honest with each other and remain united. "How does this shirt smell, Tom?" "Like a horse's sack, Bob." "Awesome." High-five. Drink.

Okay, now let's look at a few man inventions.

1) Fighter jets. Yes, we can break the sound barrier and incinerate your village, all while kicking back in one of the awesomest inventions ever. Few things excite the primal urge to skewer a wild boar like the thunder of a fighter jet engine violating the airspace above you. Don't believe me? Just utter the words "fighter jets" and you will instantly have every man's attention.

2) Megan Fox. Contrary to popular belief, Megan Fox was not born. She was created by a team of dedicated men - molded out of equal parts molten lava and ice cold amber beer, with a dash of Smurfette for that vixen-y flavor. Most men didn't even realize Transformers had fighting robots until their third viewing.

3) Home theater systems. Thanks to the ingenuity of modern men, we are now able to transform simple living rooms into bastions of awesome. "Want to watch a movie, Rod?" "Sure, Bill, just pop this disc in the Blu-ray player and sit down in front of my 85-inch screen, in between my nine-foot speakers. Oh, and that's not a chair you're sitting on, it's the subwoofer." That's right, mankind has now enabled us to blow ourselves through the back wall with sound waves and high-def projection, and all in the comfort of our own homes. Because if a space battle is worth watching, it's worth watching in a way that gives us flashbacks to 'Nam.

Any questions, America?

Ladies, please. Stop having ideas. It's dangerous and it's futile. Leave the awesome to the men.