Men of Mine

I was only eight-years-old, but I remember my life left behind along the Long Island streets. I remember walking alone from Birch Lane to Moore Avenue. My eldest brother no longer waited for me after school, and I had no friends to walk with me. I was alone, but I didn't care. I just wanted to go home.

I remember Paul. He was my eldest brother's friend, and he visited often. He wasn't very nice to my other brother, but he liked me. I would never realize until much later on how he would affect my life.

It was another bad day at school. The kids in my grade hated me, bullied me, and my parents were being called often about fights breaking out between me and them. And all I wanted to do was go home, stay in my room, and be left alone, but not this day. This day would be different, and everything would change between me and Paul.

My family moved shortly afterward. They couldn't stand the anti-Semitism that raged around us. Prank phone calls and kids in ski masks terrorizing their children was more than they could take, and they packed us up inside the car, leaving this hatred behind them. But they never realized that they were saving me from him.

My first boyfriend was Jon. We met in the seventh grade. I had crushes before him, but this would be my first relationship. I was fooled into thinking he was a nice guy, but I had no idea of his true intentions. And then the day came, where he hinted at what he really wanted, but I would not allow him to make me another conquest. And I ended our relationship.

A few years passed, and then I met Tom. We rode the school bus together, and he often sat close, watching me. And we were both friends with the same people, and then we started dating. And I thought that maybe I finally met a nice guy.

But he would be a disaster in the making. His touch was cold, cruel. His thoughts were dark, and all he sought was control. And he nearly dominated me, but I broke away. But the damage was done, and as I unraveled, I destroyed my relationships with close friends. I broke another man's heart, and to this day, that scar burns as deep as the ones beside it. But I can't change what I have done.

And I wish that Tom was the only monster that I suffered against that year, but unfortunately, there was another. Again, I made the mistake of opening that door and allowing another to enter my life, and all he wanted was me. But when he realized that I would never be his did Don become dangerous, bent on harming me, and he almost succeeded. But he failed like those before him, and I was left struggling to pick up the pieces of my life. But I was already gone, lost in pain.

High school was finally coming to an end. My prison sentence was nearly up, but I was still in the dark, sliced deep from fragments of my life. And then I met Dave, and he would be the one to sweep me off my feet, heal my heart. Or so I thought, but all he wanted was the same as those before him, control.

My relationship with him was the longest I ever had, and he did not want to let me go. But after my grandmother, may she rest in peace, passed away, I was informed of her plan to save my life, and I had to go. I had to leave. I couldn't turn down this second chance at finding myself, healing myself, and she did save my life. My aunt and grandfather, may he rest in peace, saved me, but those men of mine still waited for that door to open. And I opened it for them.

I should never have met Rich. He should never have been allowed at a college function when he was not even a student, but he was there that night. And he found me, and I let him into my life. And everything I was piecing back together, my heart, my soul was nearly destroyed by him, but he refused to let go. And he would pass by the house, looking to see if my bedroom light was on, but after I left to transfer to a four-year college did he finally disappear.

And it would be some time before another found me, but their influence, all those men left their mark on me. And I never recognized love when it came looking for me. I tore through relationships that should never have been, ripping hearts along the way. I was damaged, broken, and I didn't know which way was up. And my scars burned deep, and they never have healed. And I'm sorry for the ones that I hurt, but I can't change what I have done.

And it's now 2001. I met Mitch during my college internship, and he too seemed like a nice guy. And two years later, we moved in together, and I thought that I could once again start over. But I was wrong, and he was just like them. And I was bound to him by our one year lease, and even to this day does he still try that door, hoping that I would let him back in.

Why are these men finding me? Why do they wait for that door to open? Why me? Why can't I heal? Why can't I find someone to heal me? It took a long time, but then I realized the answer. All those men that I let into my life were pieces of him. They either shared his looks or motives or both, and I was fooled each time. But my eyes are now open.

It's 2010. The door to my life has been sealed for years now, and my scars have finally begun to heal. And I'm no longer afraid of my past. I'm no longer lost or broken. This is my life, and they will never be allowed to enter it again. And in my solitude do I write, letting these words you read flood across the page. I can't change what I have done, but I can change. And this life has now become mine.