Men Are Simple Creatures (When it Comes to Sex)

A friend of mine recently gave a lecture to a group of women about the basic needs of men. His audience consisted primarily of women who have been married to their husbands for 10 years or more. The theme of the lecture was "Simple Creatures." Basically the lecture was about the general lack of sex in many marriages and what that does to both the man and a woman in a marriage or relationship.

My friend has a theory about the nature of sex in marriage that on the surface seems chauvinistic. He is a big advocate that women should be proactive in offering sex to men rather than holding affection or sex out as a reward for good behavior in other parts of the marriage. "Women have it backwards," he contends. "Holding sex out like a ranson is the exact opposite of what women need to do. If they want a man who is more responsive, responsible, attentive, talkative and willing to help around the house, they need to take sex out of the picture."

The biggest benefit to taking care of a man's sexual needs may be the way it prepares a man for the world outside the home. "Men are going to be much more capable of handling complex problems if they feel affirmed," he maintains. "And nothing makes a man feel more affirmed than the love of his wife. Especially when it is given freely and without negotiation."

Giving a man sex rather than using it as a bargaining chip puts the relationship on more solid ground from the start, he maintains. "When men aren't always calculating how to get sex with their wives, they aren't so urgent, demanding or sneaky about it. Basically you're taking that chip off the table. It's like both of you are suddenly on equal ground. And that's a good starting point for everyone in a relationship."

The point of this adjustment in relationship dynamics is not to set up some sort of "sex on demand" program for the man. Instead it restores sex as a regular feature of how two people choose to interact. When women proactively take the sexual needs of men into consideration, they surprisingly might find their own needs being met by a man who shows more kindness and consideration towards them. The tug of war over power in the relationship is placed back into balance.

The Simple Creatures formula isn't complicated. "Go back to how you acted early in the marriage, or even before you were married and had sex because it was exciting and fun. Do it because you want to impress the other person. Many women quit participating in certain acts like oral sex as the marriage progresses. But why? Some of those things are the most giving aspects of a relationship. It shows you care for and respect the person, and that you're interested in their emotional and physical well-being. Sending the signal you're grudging about sex tells the other person you're grudging about other things as well. That's when men start to hold out. They're much more sensitive and emotional than most women think. By plugging regular sex back into the equation, new emotional channels are bound to open up."

"I invite you to do an experiment," he challenged the audience of wives attending one of his "pep talks," as he calls them. "Treat your husband to a surprise: spontaneous oral sex. Then have sex with him on another day in the shower or some place other than the bedroom. What you'll find out is that men really are simple creatures. Once you remove the urgency of sex from the equation, you can engage in friendly intimacy with your husband without worrying that he'll automatically want to convert that attention into having sex. But here's the bigger benefit: The affirmation you give your husband by offering him sex willingly will make him a better, more successful person in everything he does. I can almost guarantee it."

One wife attending the lecture took this advice to heart and began offering proactive sex rather than using it as a belated reward for some set of poorly defined expectations or behaviors. She noticed an immediate change in her husband. "You are right!" she exclaimed. "He does more for me. Chores. Bringing flowers. You name it. I'm convinced."

For women suspicious that my friend's theory is just some plot by men to get sex whenever they want, my friend suggests that many men are more than willing to work at pleasing their wives on many fronts if they aren't reduced to begging for sex from the start. Too many men spend time conniving ways to take advantage of their wives at the nearest opportunity, usually after a party or some other occasion involving alcohol when the woman's defenses are down. But the Simple Creatures theory maintains that those sexual encounters are ultimately less fulfilling and constructive for a couple than engaging in sex while fully cognizant of the true intimacy--and giving nature--of sex. In other words, by giving women sex willingly, women may gain much more of what they want from a relationship.

This dynamic hews to the secrets of life found in places like the Bible, where sacrifice and personal discipline--along with a willing heart--are promised to produce greater abundance than a stingy, selfish approach to life.

Celebrating sex as an important connection between two people is basically what the Bible preaches, and there are no holds barred. The rules are simple: Married couples are supposed to give themselves over to each other, to become "one flesh," as it were. If that sounds like a fun and sexy to strike up the band, you are exactly right. God wants us to have good sex. It's a bonding mechanism in any relationship.

Even couples who are not religious can benefit from learning to give themselves freely without exacting penalties or asking for some price or favor. Just give, and you will receive.

The sexual needs of women finally became a topic open for discussion the last 20 years or so. But the sexual needs of men may have become too much of a cultural joke to be regarded with proper seriousness. The sex drive in some men can be a serious distraction, affecting the ability to work, focus and maintain fidelity. But even men with average to low sex drives tend to feel better about themselves if the woman in their life helps them through a typical week through caring touch, a show of interest and sexual attention. "Sometimes I wish my wife would just sit down next to me on the sofa and rub my neck. Show me that she knows I'm there, and that she cares. I don't need sex all the time," he admits. "But just like her, I need to be touched."

This seemingly "old-fashioned" approach to affection in marriage and relationships is a turn off to those suspicious of some of the language in the Bible. For instance, the women's movement rightfully has resisted biblical phrases such as "wives, submit yourselves to your husbands" in cases where this bit of advice was being dispensed by a chauvinistic, patriarchal church tone deaf to the busy lives of modern women balancing careers, kids and home life. But the same biblical passage calls for men to submit themselves in love to their wives as Christ himself has done for the church. That means with absolute respect, even unto death. One does not have to be a believer to appreciate the seriousness in that call to commitment and respect.

So if men want their sexual needs met, they had first and foremost better show respect to their wives. "Consider this," my friend asserts. " I maintain that when a man is respected in his household he is moved to issue respect back. So the idea that sex somehow diminishes respect for a woman is absurd. It works the other way around actually. There's no such thing as sex being gross or denigrating to women when it is part of the formula of respect. But, if women aren't willing to try being proactive with their husbands, they will never know the benefits of having a husband who is affirmed, confident and less distracted outside the home."

"Every man I talk to has the same problem with their wives not wanting sex," my friend continues. "The reasons are always the same. Men beg. Women deny. Both are unhappy. Listen," my friend continues. "When I'm with my wife I'm completely absorbed in who she is. I don't want other women. I don't want to look at pornography. I don't need to think about anyone else and I don't feel the need to be with some supermodel. All I want is her. It's that simple. We are Simple Creatures. All I try to do is satisfy her. All I want is that chance. But when she or any other women denies and makes excuses or resorts to tricks to avoid having sex, sure I pout. I get pissed off. But the real reason isn't that I'm not getting sex. It makes me angry that she does not want to be with me. That's a worse insult than someone looking at pornography. "

"In the end it's not in my control," he admits. "It's not my decision whether or not to have sex. It's hers. But I don't think she knows what it does to me in terms of confidence, self esteem, and feelings of loneliness and isolation in this world to always be told 'no.' I think there's a crisis in this world of men walking around feeling disrespected and disrespecting their wives in return."

Many men and women become resigned to this fate. Their marriages become unions of obligation, not love. And worse. "Some people hit their forties and fifties and want out," my friend contends. "Or they cheat. But I think it's obvious why there is so much cheating in marriage. There's no respect and I think a big chunk of it goes back to the physical stuff. I don't know exactly why so many women tire of sex, but I do hear from men I know that there is a lot of stubbornness. It's like sex is the power chip in the marriage, the main way for women to get what they want, or keep their husbands in check. And that's really sad, because if wives knew how empowering simple affirmation was in their husbands, and what it could do for them in terms of their success in the world, they'd be wanting to have sex with them every day. It'd be like, "There you go honey. I respect you. Now go out there in the world and do your best. Sex gives you courage to fully be who you need to be. That's true whether you're an athlete, a businessperson or just trying to be a good parent."

The wife or husband who shows respect in the home sends their spouse out into the world feeling affirmed and ready to take on any sort of problem they might face. But the spouse who leaves the house frustrated, angry and feeling disrespected will likewise have problems dealing with difficult co-workers, demanding bosses and uninspiring aspects of work. If there are complicating emotional problems like anxiety or depression involved, these issues are only compounded.

My friend thinks it goes back to basics. Men are Simple Creatures. "People simply need to have sex a little more often," he says. "Twice a month," he contends. "If a woman initiates sex twice a month I think she'll see that her husband is more responsive in every way. It's a small investment, and it's just between you two. But that investment will grow in the world. I promise you that."

So remember: Men are Simple Creatures with complex emotions. They need the affirmation of regular sex to make them feel affirmed and respected and will likely show far more emotional nuance and respect in return if treated well in bed and beyond.

My friend advises women that it's certainly worth a try.